LEFOU, YOU’RE NOT GAY FRIEND!
Before you start thinking you’re gay and acting out with behaviors you’re not familiar with, hear me out. I think there is more to you than your sexuality, and there is more going on in your life related to your newly discovered feelings toward Gaston. Instead of accepting the false identity of a gay man, you should consider the following:
Many people will be claiming that you’re gay, because you have an attraction to a guy that you just can’t place. You find him extremely attractive, and you’re not sure why. You hear from people that you must be gay! And that seems like the easy answer. You’ve seen movies with gay people in them and feel like you can relate to them. You’ve seen how your peers at Disney romanticize same- sex relationships as being healthy and normal; and it brings you peace thinking that could be you. Now that you’ve got this feeling you can’t hide, that deep down desire that is directed toward Gaston, you probably think that must mean you are gay, huh? Before you hasten to choose a gay identity, consider that there are negative factors that could be influencing your identity and behavior, if not subconsciously, then overtly. You may recall things as I mention them, or you may have to pray to recall repressed memories.
HERE WE GO, WILL YOU HEAR ME OUT LEFOU?
What if certain things from your past have caused you to have these unusual feelings? Many people who have been where you are, took on the gay identity, only to find themselves coming to a different identity that isn’t gay. Me for example. This is because they have identified experiences from their past that led them to nurture a mistaken identity.
What are these experiences? They include unrealized masculine qualities you wish you had and covet in other men (Gaston for example), feelings of rejection from women (so I’ve heard Claudette, Laurette and Paulette have been hard on you), lack of healthy masculine relationships with other men, and a really dark subject, abuse. Let’s review these one at a time:
UNREALIZED MASCULINE QUALITIES
Let me tell you about what happened to me here. I grew up very smart like you, energetic, fun to have around. Also like you, I was not really athletic and the girls ridiculed me constantly. I also found myself wishing I was the alpha male, daydreaming of being one of those big guys who got the attention of the girls and was awesome in all sports. (I suppose for you it’s hunting and fishing?) Something in me changed over time because of the coveting and the lust of their masculinity, including their bodies. I started to see them as attractive, not platonicly speaking, but with a desire to possess. With many of my peers jeering at my lack of masculinity, and calling me gay and queer because of it, I wondered if that was the explanation as to why I had those feelings. Perhaps those feelings were sexual? And if they were sexual toward the same sex, I must be gay?
You see LeFou, you have been bullied for a long time by Gaston. That guy has a huge ego, and he uses people like you to feel important and strong. It’s seems he is demonstrating dysfunctional behaviors in relationships with both men and women and needs help. He has been teasing you and demonstrating his masculinity to taunt you for his benefit. You recognize his strength and are intimidated by it, yet somewhat curious and attracted to it. What could be happening is the masculine qualities you think you don’t or can’t have that he possesses is causing feelings of desire. He seems to be using that to his benefit. It seems you’re stuck in a victimzier/victim relationship.
LACK OF HEALTHY MASCULINE MALE RELATIONSHIPS
I went the majority of my life without a healthy masculine relationship. My father, God bless him, was very busy man working to take care of our family, but unavailable for those father/son bonding experiences that you see in old shows like My Three Sons or Leave it to Beaver. The male peers with whom I hung out frequently made me the brunt of the jokes because I was a pushover. Always wanting to please others, wanting people to like me because I was so alone– wait, isn’t that your story? Yeah, we’re a lot alike.
It wasn’t until later in life that I met a male friend who eventually became a spiritual brother to me. My friend demonstrated masculinity in a way that didn’t intimidate or show condescension towards me. He wanted to help me find my masculinity. He came alongside me and encouraged my growth instead of holding his masculinity above me like a carrot to get me to do things.
Gaston is using you, and you are allowing it because you are getting male attention, albeit all negative . It is true he is a handsome and strong man, a seemingly very capable individual. But he dangles it over you to get a response for his ego, to get you to serve him, to oogle over him. Like I said, his ego is so big he uses women and men and wants them to swoon over him.
But you know what? There are better guys out there who will be your brother. Some other guys will come along and befriend you. These new friends will be your equal and your guide you in obtaining the masculine qualities you want. They can help you get comfortable in your own skin. Ask and I bet they can help you in prayer as you seek counseling from therapists. And then you’ll learn the strong men in your life are your peers, not your lovers.
TROUBLES WITH THE LADIES
Here is another area I have some experience in. Not the good kind, the bad kind. I see how the ladies treat you with disdain. They look at you and wince. In middle school I was setup by three mean girls. They invited me to ‘the dance’ with a plan to destroy me. When I arrived at my date’s house, they literally cornered me in the den and emotionally berated and emasculated me. I ran home for support, but instead, I was rejected by my step mother and told to go to my room.
I was crushed. It was not until years later that I learned I had believed those girls when they said I was gay, that I was ugly and stupid, and that no girl (or woman) would ever want to be with me. This experience dramatically changed the way I related to women and ultimately how I related to men. Not trusting women with my feelings, that left me with men. Now that I’ve recovered from that trauma, I am able to trust a woman with my feelings.
If you read the news, you’ll see there sure are a lot of stories around questioning identity and sexual brokenness lately. People are discovering their ‘true’ selves after being abused. George Takei was sexually molested as a 13 year old child by a male adult at a summer camp before he took on a gay identity. Ellen Degeneres was sexually assaulted by her step father over and over. Milo Yiannopoulos was sexually abused as a 13 year old by a man and later again by another man. Tragically, when children are exposed to sexual abuse, they can get very confused, hide the abuse from their parents, or worse not be believed by their parents, and then bury the pain and later act out in unhealthy ways by making poor choices and end up taking on identities they wouldn’t have ever had if they had not been abused.
Have you been abused? You don’t need to tell me. I ask just to give you something consider if you need healing in that area of your life.
If any of these areas ring true to your heart, and you believe there may be any sort of brokenness; I would encourage you to seek professional therapy and support. It seems the longer you go, the farther you’ll repress that pain until it becomes part of your identity.
What do I mean by that? Well, for many people there comes a point when you just give up and ‘admit’ you’re are gay because you can’t address the pain of the causes of your brokenness or explain or deal with the confusing or unwanted same sex attraction. The ‘coming out’ experience seems inevitable when compared to the huge wall of pain. Giving in feels like a relief because sometimes it’s easier to accept the identity of a gay person than to address the pain of brokenness. I’m not saying this is your struggle or your solution, just hoping to enlighten you that this could be an issue for you and if so there is hope for wholeness. It was certainly a struggle for me, and I prayed and God lead me to healing my brokenness and restoration of my true identity. Write me back and we can talk more about that.
Your Not Gay Friend
Daren Mehl, Daren Mehl Blog 15 Comments
[3/24/2017 12:15:24 PM]
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