I have arrived in Japan, and after much soul searching, I have turned my back on Christianity and converted to Islam. No, not Islam, that Japanese religion. Shinto, yes that's it. Shinto.
I have become a leading expert in the religion of Shinto, and today I have been singing songs of praise and worship to... whatever the God of Shinto is. First I sang The King Of Love My Shogun Is, followed by the great spiritual song Swing Low Sweet Nissan Micra.
The local bishops of my Shinto church refer to themselves as Yakuza, which means learned enlightened angelic priests of shinto, apparently. They took all my valuables for safekeeping, but I am certain they will give them back. After asking them a few times, so far they haven't, but I'm sure they will. They have all my money at the moment...
I have a Japanese lady friend who seems very devout. That of course is the only reason I am interested in her. I took a photograph of her, and she held up a mandatory notice declaring that she was 18 at the time of photographing, which she said she had to show whenever she appeared in a video. I presume she means religious videos. I must say, even though she says she is 18, she could pass for 15 and is probably really 13. However, her technique when performing acts of oral sodomy on my male reproductive organ is just incredible, so the age question doesn't really matter. Her proficiency at committing these shameful immoral acts does make me question her religious conviction, however.
Unfortunately I may soon have to leave Japan, as there doesn't seem to be much to eat but radioactive fish. I have already detected a luminous glow from my skin in the dark.
I hope to be in the United States Of America soon, where I shall be meeting Donald Trump, and showing my endorsement for his campaign, thus giving him the credibility boost he needs!
Praise God! Or as they say in Shinto temples, Allahu Ackbar!