The Twelve Stages of a Holohoax Tale

1. The survivor is put in a cattle car filled with hundreds of Jews and a poop bucket, and sent to the camp, usually Auschwitz. Many Jews die of suffocation, but none of thirst, since a Jew can survive for 3 years just on their own saliva.

2. The survivor stands in a line, to be chosen either for the gas chamber or the kitchen/orchestra/workshops. Close family members are always put in the other line. Even though all those under 16 are immediately gassed at Auschwitz, many young kids are sent to the work line.

3. The survivor comes face to face with Joseph Mengele himself, who decides to spare their life because Mengele had never seen a dancing Jew, a singing Jew, a Jew with no pimples, or a Jew who said they would work hard for him.

4. The survivor lives on a meager ration of 200-300 calories per day, including turnip heads/potato skins/excrement/grass soup/sawdust salami/human flesh, bones and hair/cat/rat/dog meat/mice/etc.

5. However they are still strong enough to work for the Germans, including making furniture/carpentry/electrician/plumber/V-2maker.

6. The survivor has some gold, diamonds or other jewelry hidden about their person, which they use to bribe the guards for favours, or pay for a visit to the camp brothel.

7. They are taken to the gas chambers, but miraculously escape at the last minute, evading the guards. All their friends are killed.

They witness other horrible atrocities, including babies burned alive in pits, geysers of Jewish blood spurting out of the ground, or people burned alive in the ovens when the gas chambers were too busy.

8. The survivor is then forced to take part in a ‘death march’ which never actually leads to death. Often the survivor runs away!

9. The survivor is then transferred to another camp, where they cheat death again. This may be repeated any number of times.

10. The survivor escapes, right under the guards’ noses, lives in the forest for a couple of years, then eventually emigrates to America/Britain/Australia/Israel although they have no friends, family or money.

Then the survivor buys a multinational corporation. They are the only member of their large family of 200 to survive, and weigh only 40-50 pounds when they are rescued.

11. For 60 years the survivor says nothing about his or her experiences. Then suddenly they can’t talk about anything else. They usually write a memoir called ‘Dancing to the Music of my Dreams - A Survivor’s Story’.

12. The survivor has now found peace, and spends the rest of his/her life telling their amazing story to schoolchildren. Only the very youngest ones, of course.