Avri #fundie breslev.co.il

Over the last few months, I have been very lethargic and foggy headed. I recently lost 20 pounds of weight and thought that I would intrinsically have more energy. I also go through spurts of being connected to Hashem followed by periods when the spirituality leaves me. In short, since I became a Baal Teshuva two years ago - thanks to Lazer Beams and Breslev.co.il - I have been spending a lot of time in hitbodedut and self-evaluation. But recently, I spoke to a rabbi who I thin is a Kabbalist, and he told me his take on Shmirat HaBrit (personal holiness).

After he explained the severity of the sin of spilling seed in vain, I "freaked out." He told me that this is the worst of all sins that I have been very guilty of particularly before I was married. However, everything in terms of my lethargy and losing my desire for spirituality started to fit together. My wife and I started keeping Taharat mishpacha (family holiness) about a year ago. During the 7 white days where before we kept Taharat mishpacha we would have relations, now we don't - this has been murder on me. In short, I would "harmlessly" release myself once or twice during the period. It started to make sense ...the lethargy and loss of desire to connect to HASHEM after each release. I immediately jumped in the mikvah.

I was so freaked out that I even asked a religious friend of mine last night how he gets through the period. He said that it is very hard and whenever he falls, he noticed that the punishment is instantaneous. For example he said he did it the night before his CPA exam and failed the test. Or a child becomes sick the next day. He said that he never spoke about it with anyone but the correlation was so sharp that it was clear to him. In fact he said that whenever he falls, he simply awaits the punishment.

With that said, I started reciting Tikkun Klali and jumped daily in the mikvah. The change in my energy level was sharp and amazing. I took out my samurai sword and said to my yetzer hara, I've got you now! Last night, I went to bed at 1 am and jumped out if bed at 5 am ready to pray. However I twisted and turn in a fit of libido where it felt as if my prostate filled up to the burst point. In pain I went to pray shacharit and then to a very cold mikva. By the time the afternoon rolled around, the prostate pain was so intense that I lost it and now I am foggy headed waiting for my punishment.

[...]

In that I have a few more days before the pressure builds again, I want to be ready for the next onslaught. I know you're tremendously busy, but my soul and I need help right away. You know how urgent this is.

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