Just a little chat with Jesus

I was going to relapse last night, but instead I chatted with God until I fell asleep.

I’ve never slept well. It’s just not a good time for me. I suppose it could be residual stress from being molested by my father as a kid. Always at night. Always at bedtime. Maybe my body is hanging onto those memories, and I flip into stress mode when I try to sleep (currently reading The Body Keeps the Score. Phenomenal book for those who’ve undergone severe trauma/abuse).

Last night, I climbed into bed, and just wanted to fall asleep. But I was bombarded with thoughts, fears, anxieties, and wanted a hit of dope to help me fall asleep. But I also wanted to be obedient, to “deny myself, take up my cross and follow Jesus.” I tossed and turned, and eventually just started talking with Jesus.

“Why do I feel this way?” “Why can’t I just sleep?” “Why is it so hard for me?”

We talked for some time. He asked very pointed and thought provoking questions. Each answer I had, I followed with another question.

Ultimately, He asked, “Why is it harder to choose obedience than it is to choose sin?”

I was stumped. It was a good question for sure. I mumbled, “well, I suppose because there are forces (thoughts/feelings/chemicals) that push me to sin. There’s no force that pushes me to obedience.”

He said, “What about the pain of sinning? The disappointment in yourself, the shame you feel, the groggy morning and the pain of lying to your friends and family? It’s not so much that you aren’t pushed to obedience, it simply comes after the fact, and it’s easy to ignore in the moment.”

That’s the last I remember of our conversation before I fell asleep. Fell asleep not in stress, not in anxiety, but in peaceful communion with my savior.

I’m so grateful to call Him friend, and I wanted to share my story. Hopefully one of you will have a chat with Him next time you’re feeling weak.