Jesus was jumped! I truly believe that Jesus' execution was an example of gang violence.
First of all for the sake of argument let's leave the Jew's involvement out in this. The fact of the matter is that it was the Homo erotic Romans that carried it out. The Romans acted like a gang. The dressed in gang colors they all wore red. They would all roll together riding almost 10000 solders deep. So lets face it roman soldiers don't fight alone they are a bunch of punk ass bitches
Hey and they had to have Jesus escorted by a whole crew of Roman soldiers. I bet if it was a fair one Jesus would have drop one of them gay roman soldiers. Think about it Jesus was a carpenter which means he was built. I mean he had to carry his own torture stack you have to have strength to carry that for long distance. So Jesus was no punk.
In conclusion Jesus' death was an example of gang violence because the Romans were too gay and cowardly to shoot the fair one with Jesus. I mean I bet Jesus if he had the chance would be like "yeah I am God's son but I am not getting sacrificed by some group of homosexuals". Imaging J.C. darkening some eyeballs it would be great.
59 comments
Interesting rewrite of the bible there, FP.
So lets face it roman soldiers don't fight alone they are a bunch of punk ass bitches
Jesus' execution was a hate crime.
From the Gospel of Judas, we can derive the intelligence that Jesus desired to get rid of his mortal shell, and he allowed Pilate and others to orchestrate the 'passion'.
Um... Jesus wasn't supposed to stop it, right? I mean, if the Bible is true, he should've been able to go all Son of God on their asses and make them die of... something. So... even if it were just one dude escorting Jesus, he still wouldn't have stopped it.
Then them whack-assed Ho-Romans straight nailed him to the post, homes. So then they's like, played a game of dominoes for saviours threads, right? And after those faggot-ass Romans got all messed up on X and wine coolers, they were all like, let's go have some gay, unprotected sex with like, babies, or some shit. So since they was cuttin' out, this one fool straight popped a sword in J's ass, made all bleeding and shit. You feel me? Yo, we gotta do something, y'all. Big-J was my ace, yo! We gots to bring some payback, who's with me?
I think that those soldiers were quite sadic and tired of the thugs they have to crucify and so Jesus no more no less. Following your logic, the Israelites were gay, following the way David chatised his wayward sons or the way the Deuteronomy prescribes death. Or the martyrdom of St Stephens, for that matter.
"I bet Jesus if he had the chance would be like "yeah I am God's son but I am not getting sacrificed by some group of homosexuals""
Why, how ODD that it was god who ordered sacrifice via "homosexuals" in the first place!
Good thing Jesus didn't darken any eyeballs, he would've gotten a supernatural belting from dad for disobedience once he made it to heaven.
Romans:"OH SHIT SON! It be Jesus fucking Christ! Aw shit man we gotta get this nigga."
Jesus: "Hell no! Peace out mutha fuckas I'm a get my dad on you! DAADDD!"
Romans: "Dude, this bitch be crazy. We gots to teach him a lesson, yo! Let's kill his bitch-ass"
Jesus: "shit.""
In conclusion Jesus' death was an example of gang violence because the Romans were too gay and cowardly to shoot the fair one with Jesus.
Anyone with actual experience of straight-on-gay violence knows that heterosexuals are like dogs -- they prefer to attack outsiders only when they have the advantage of numbers to make up for their individual weakness and cowardice.
Yet, oddly, the very concept of kick-ass warrior Gods was best represented then by,,,,the Greco-Roman Gods.
You Fundies have really gotta quit trying to shoehorn others myths into your choice of bullshit. One week it's Nordic, the next week it's Conan and the next it's Star Trek mythos.
Uhmm ... since he was supposed to be, like, magic or something, why would a gang bother him? He could have just done what he did to those kids when he was a wee vicious tot and sucked the life out of them. Or spit in some dust and created, I dunno, a couple minotaurs to take care of the Romans, righ?
Wimp-ass "Messiah" didn't even do that ...
LoLoLoLoL ...
>> I mean he had to carry his own torture stack you have to have strength to carry that for long distance. <<
Roman guard: "I don't care who in hell you think you are, Buddy - you drop the cross one more time and you're outta the parade!"
More like Jesus has jumped... over the goddamn shark. Have you seen the shit he pulled after his resurrection? Hanging around and showing people that he's a freaking ghost? Ran out of ideas after season 2.
The Sanhedrin were actually the archconservatives of their time and wanted Jesus dead because he was doing things they didn't like.
So, you face it: Jesus was murdered by conservatives.
If you want to leave the Jew's involvement out of this, you're also going to leave the Jesus' involvement out of it, dearie.
The pretty-normal-human-beings Romans kept well out of it, and let the tiny Jew minority get away with their quaint rituals, I'd say. They even asked if the Jews wanted them to execute Barabbas instead of Jesus, but they refused.
He had help carrying the cross-beam. Haven't you read the Bible?
The Romans were just as gay, bi and straight as American's or Europeans are today. It was just more accepted to be bi then, so fewer people hid it in the closet. If you want to run one of the largest empires in the world, you can't rely on cowards; you have to have tough men and women around you.
One of his disciples tried to defend/save him by cutting the ear off a soldier. Jesus picked up the ear and put it back again, and chastised his friend for being violent. Yup, sounds just like Roman gang violence!
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
To post a comment, you'll need to Sign in or Register . Making an account also allows you to claim credit for submitting quotes, and to vote on quotes and comments. You don't even need to give us your email address.
