Racheal59 #fundie

Racheal59 #fundie rr-bb.com

If I am left here, I'll fall on my face and ask for His Mercy, I'll repent and go out immediately, sell everything and begin preaching on the street and winning every soul I can get my hands on, so they can arrest me and make a martyr out of me. Best way to get to heaven [smilie]

45 comments

old comment by David B.

Actually, the rapture makes sense to me now.

What would happen is that God would spirit all the best and nicest people to heaven, leaving only the fundies and atheists like myself on Earth.

The ensuing havok where the desperate fundies, blame everyone but themselves, try to oppose, convert and/or massacre the 'godless', or hastily pay lip-service to the bible message out of selfish motives, all to guarantee their subsequent rescue (all the while oblivious to the fact that it was exactly that mindset that got them left behind in the first place), and the atheists'[*] robust defense against them, would certainly tick most of the boxes of 'the tribulation'.

[* Although we would never be able to completely rule out alien abduction, I guess most of us would be slightly more open to the idea of God, post rapture.]

old comment by Mr Smith

"If I am left here, I'll fall on my face and ask for His Mercy, I'll repent and go out immediately, sell everything and begin preaching on the street and winning every soul I can get my hands on, so they can arrest me and make a martyr out of me. Best way to get to heaven [smilie]"

This roughly translates as...

I'll sit on my ass doing nothing until the rapture. If the rapture does come and I get left behind, then I'll go out onto the streets and do what I was supposed to in the first place. Then I'll get to heaven for all the good things that I did and god wont mind that I tried to pull the wool over his eyes.

Yeah, god will be dumb enough for that scam :)

old comment by David B.

Actually, I think an on-going rapture where people are progressively raptured as they meet the criteria would be way funnier...

Fundie: Oh Lord! Forgive me for my sinful love of Oreos! See now how I give them away to the needy in thy name.

Fundie: [starts handing out oreos to passers by] (Have a biscuit, praise Jesus! ... Have a biscuit, praise Jesus! ... Have a biscuit, praise Jesus! ...)

Atheist: Dude, that is so not going to work!

Fundie: Fuck off, heathen! (Have a biscuit, praise Jesus! ...)

Atheist: And that won’t help none either.

Fundie: You will not distract me from doing the Lord’s work with your foul and corrupt words.

Atheist: Well that’s kind of the point. It’s not the Lord’s work is it?

Fundie: Ha! I am giving to the poor, you imbecile!

Atheist: Yes, but for selfish reasons. If God (assuming it was him) was so easily fooled by the facile and shallow appearance of doing good, you wouldn’t be here in the first place.

Fundie: But I’m doing what it says in the bible?!

Atheist: Yes, but it is not for good deeds you are judged, but for good intentions. Doing the right thing knowing you’ll get the mother of all rewards for it isn’t the hardest of choices is it? Doing it because, deep down, you know it is the right thing to do, doing it even if that means you may have to sacrifice those rewards, that is a lot harder.

Fundie: [snorts] Like you’d know anything about sacrifice!

Atheist: Hey, I’m sticking to my rationalism in the face of a billion unexplained disappearances! I will trust logic and reason to get me through, even in the face of (a possibly literal) Armageddon.

Fundie: [rolls eyes] Oh, so that’s it! You’re trying to get me to be an atheist like you! Do you dispute the proof of your own eyes? GOD IS REAL!

Atheist: [shrugs] Well it’s certainly a possibility. But don’t your own eyes tell you that what you thought was proper Christian behaviour was probably wrong?

Fundie: Aww, how sweet! The satan-worshipping commie atheist is worried about poor wittul me! I’m not buying it, fuck off! (Have a biscuit, praise Jesus! ...)

Atheist: Well, if this is the rapture, these next years are you’re and my only chance at redemption. I didn’t like to see you wasting your time putting on a show for God when you might spend it working out where you went wrong. Honestly, I was only trying to be helpf...

*A golden light from heaven shines on the atheist, who disappears with a [POP].*

Fundie: [shakes fist at sky] You pernickety bastar-r-r-d!

“If I am left here, I'll fall on my face and ask for His Mercy, I'll repent”
Repent…what, exactly?
I mean, if you KNOW you’ve sinned by, say, murder, it’ll be no surprise when you’re NOT raptured. But if you THINK you’re doing okay, but don’t make the grade, what will you repent of?

"and go out immediately, sell everything”
If the Rapture occurs, we’re all left down here, suddenly aware that the world’s about to end. Who’ll buy your shit?
And how good will the money be?

“and begin preaching on the street and winning every soul I can get my hands on”
Dude, humans are creatures of extreme emotions. If there’s positive evidence of THE Rapture, the population will be split between the other four billion out there doing the same thing, for 10,000 different versions and sects of Christainity, and 5 billion sore losers walking aruond with clubs to beat any Christains to death.

"so they can arrest me and make a martyr out of me”
You and four billion others beaten to death for wearing a cross, waving a bible, or mentioning the gospel.

“Best way to get to heaven [smilie]”
Suuuuuuuuuuuure it is. You’ll be one guy in the massive auditorium of martyrs, and an angel with a megaphone shouting, ‘Now glorifying Number 4,308,448! Come on down!’

Racheal59 #fundie rr-bb.com

45 comments

Confused?