[re: marrying Jesus after the rapture]
the same God who created the entire world in six days by speaking, has been working on the honeymoon chamber for 2000 years now. I don't think we can even imagine or comprehend how amazing this is going to be!
122 comments
Heh, 2 millenia.
If it only took six days to create the earth, imagine what 2,000 years will do to fill his chamber with sound proofing, a-frames, loops, chains, pulleys, whips, straps, dildos, plugs, bondage tape, DVDs, plasmaballs, clamps, 12V batteries, aligator clips and Barry White cds.
Wait, is your god actually Fritzl? Enjoy.
Wow. Later in the thread one of them goes on to make a joke about how she won't have to worry about fitting into a wedding dress because in heaven everyone will have perfect bodies. Is that really all this is, a pathetic fantasy where you tell yourself over and over again that when you die, you won't be fat, ugly and stupid anymore, so you can be an ignorant, uneducated sloth in this world and not feel bad about it?
Wait a minute, this is RR. Why am I even asking questions like this?
fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap oh yes I've failed at this life but I can just fantasize about the next one fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap oh jesus fill me with your love yeeeesss fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap
And what about the males? I thought Jebus hated faggots?
All you have to do is believe that Jesus was the Son of God and accept him as your personal savior (even if God gives you cancer or wipes out your town with a tornado). If you do, you may have a crappy life, but you’re guaranteed a fine spot in heaven after you die. You can kill, rape or do almost anything else (except get an abortion, be a homosexual or vote for Obama); but as long as you believe in Jesus*, you’ll be among "the saved" and go to heaven.
Then you can watch and snicker at all those latte-sipping Yankee liberals who made ten times as much money as you and got all the good looking women and Superbowl tickets while they're moaning and gnashing their teeth in the Lake O' Fire®. Plus, you can have any pickup truck you want, even a big-ass Ford 550 Supercab with the 7.3L Powerstroke and "Smoker" exhaust stacks. And everything at Wal-Mart is on sale for free! Whoopie!
* extra credit for attending a fundamentalist Baptist church or one of its various lunatic-fringe independent evangelical offshoots ...
Obviously one big love in!
Although from what I understand about Christianity on massive collective disappointment.
Makes Hell somewhat very appealing!
Good thing I'm an atheist then, cause no way is Jesus going to backdoor me.
Are they really insane enough to think that their god is actually going to fuck them? Thats just farking weird...
What is it about religion. Don't you dare have sex now! Dirty, disgusting, against God's will! Wait till you die, then you can go at it like rabbits! So sex is wrong in this life but not in the next? Bizarre!
I tell you what, as the saying goes a bird in the hand...' I'm going to enjoy sex now. I'll worry about the after life later, when I'm dead. Why? Because I've got a feeling that after I'm dead that will be it.
Oh, I can imagine it all right. It's just that I realise the things I imagine are not real. It's only my imagination. Whereas, you ....
I just had multiple lolasms.
The "honeymoon chamber" bit is bad enough, but everyone else on this thread has already mocked you plenty for that.
This is what gets me, though. You honestly think that the act of speaking was what caused the earth to be created? "Facepalm" doesn't begin to cover how that makes me feel.
he'll spend a millisecond fucking your brains out and you'll spend the rest of eternity "adoring" him to the exclusion of everybody and everything else.
You think you'll get mansions etc? Forget it, you'll be a drooling sycophant who won't even notice your family writhing in the liquid flames of hell. You won't need a mansion 'cause you'll be fixated on Jesus.
Give me a true death rather than such an inane and pointless eternity!
If he, a divinity, can't get the honeymoon arrangements ready in 2000 years, I don't think much of his prospects for pleasing so many brides and he-brides when the supposed Rapture does happen - if ever. And never, I think, is more likely. He did promise to return within the life span of those alive when he was on earth... That failed too. Pretty poor kind of divine powers.
"the same God who created the entire world in six days by speaking, has been working on the honeymoon chamber for 2000 years now. I don't think we can even imagine or comprehend how amazing this is going to be! "
So there you have it. Not only are (C)Rapturists a Death Cult (especially those on RR), they're a clusterfuck. And so much for their hatred of homosexuality, if Jesus is going to have sex with the male (C)Raptards. Do as I say, not as I do & all that jazz. Hypocrites, much?
And you wonder why they continually say 'Come, Jesus!':
image
Dear Penthouse Forum,
Last week, while up late studying for a history exam, I heard a knock on my dorm door.
When I answered, there was Jesus, wearing only a towel. And let me tell you, it was "poking out, if you know what I mean. I had seen him giving me sly glances in class, but I never expected anything like this would happen.
Without a word he threw me to the floor, his hands were ripping off my shorts and tearing my shirt to shreds.
"Good thing I'm an atheist then, cause no way is Jesus going to backdoor me."
I wouldn't worry too much about that anyway, Ausador: with all his talk about meekness and turning (spreading?) the other cheek, Jesus sounds like a bottom, if not a downright sub.
I know it's been said one trillion times, but a heaven filled with these RR fucktards is simply not a place I wish to be spending eternity. Of course, heaven for them could merely be hell for us... Really makes you think...
Remember campers, that the rapture gets you a "new body!" Y'all don't really think that the fundies believe that men are going to have sex with the Jay-man do you?
iir from my Southern Baptist days, the whole Bride of Christ thing was pretty vague when it came to actual Bride-Bridegroom kind of behavior.
Regardless, the whole honeymoon chamber, everybody goes and lurvs jebus is VERY creepy.
Jesus better get hs hands on same heavy doses of vitamin E.
Jesus was supposedly a virgin too, was he not? He's gonna last 2 seconds and these fundies are gonna be very pissed off.
These people spend a lot of time demonizing sex while simultaneoulsy looking forward to what has to be some sort of all out orgy upon the rapture.
Apparently fundies do believe in the Big Bang after all.
Also, this goes to show how amazingly fucked up these people are. God spent all of 6 days making the world and everything in it, yet has spent 2000 years making a sex chamber. Where are his priorities?
FANTASTIC! They want to bang the poor man now! For the love of all that is good let the man rest in peace, please! No one likes to hear about necrophilia, especially when the sex toy is a 2000 year old hippy!
Originally Posted by kgreen20:
I have a feeling that the guys are going to have a problem with the idea of wearing a wedding gown. =) At least, we girls can relish that prospect!
There is one mod (male) who fashions a gown from time to time.
Hmmm... anyone else think that is one repressed mod?
He created the universe in six days, but after 2000 years he still hasn't finished the honeymoon chamber?
Do you idiots ever listen to yourselves?
They are thinking about fucking Jesus.
Seriously, actually meaning, calling dibs to fuck Jesus.
And we're the depraved ones...
this led me to sinful thoughts. How long does it take to put in a large mattress, a few bottles of lube, and a box of erection pills ?
some clean sheets, a shower and a rubber base sheet would make it a bit nicer.
Just imagine, trillions of Christian woman clinging to a huge planet-sized God penis and vigorously rubbing themselves on it towards a climax. like tiny, wriggling maggots stuck on a huge and bloated naked mole rat that's not quite dead yet. Or maybe God's gonna have trillions of tentacles, so he can screw them all at once, and forever and ever. *shudder*
Eh... Erm... You devotees realize that it's a metaphor for God's figurative Union with all true Christians, regarded collectively. You and your Ilk will be incorporated into a beatific paradise, where you interact with the Holy Trinity (in a completely reverential, platonic, filial, and decidedly asexual manner.) John probably envisioned that heavenly utopia after penning apocalyptic visions.
Hey, if the sublimation of repressed urges can afford relief, then go for it. But don't fuse religious concepts with those carnal yearnings; you don't want to commit sacrilege. Isn't that a big deal for Christians who fear God?
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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