@LAchlan KotU.
My dog would be better than the fucknut we have now.
Seeing a Rapture Ready member using the word "sheeple" and not refering to themself broke my irony meter and started a fire. The fire burned a crescent moon and star into my carpet, only upside down and reversed. Then an angel named Idioti gave me a golden GPS which led me to 3 diamond encrusted, solid gold bowling balls on which were carved a new gospel of the risen Christ.
After studying the balls for several hours, I put them in a safe place and transcribed the gospel, which I will publish soon. I'd show you a picture of the bowling balls, but Idioti told me if I showed anyone, God would be so pissed he'd just unmake all of creation, stomp his feet, and go home. Here now, in a FSTDT exclusive, I can reveal to you all several facts spoken of in the new gospel.
1. Mr. Obama IS in fact a Muslim.
2. All jews are really muslims.
3. Scientologists? Muslim.
4. Catholics? Mormons? Muslim.
5. Atheism is actually a radical sect of Islam that breeds terrorists.
6. Obama is secretly Saddam's twin brother.
7. Obama is the anti-christ.
8. The rapture will occur the day before the US election.
9. Jesus is planning on giving all of his brides some hardcore loving once he sweeps you into heaven. All you born again men? To jesus, you are all brides as well. Jesus will give you loving too! Just remember, since he has to be everywhere at once, don't expect him to pay attention to your needs or remember your name. He doesn't cuddle afterwards, he won't wear protection, and he has one major herpes outbreak.
10. MOST IMPORTANT! ATTENTION RAPTURE READY! According to the golden balls, the rapture will occur Monday night at 11:42 before the election. But Jesus can't just rapture you all, body and everything, or everyone would immediately believe in him and there would be no one left to damn to hell after the great war. So everyone who wants raptured needs to prove their faith by killing themselves exactly at 11:40. Don't fuck this up! Remember, you don't die, you don't get raptured. If you wake up in the hospital to news of obama's election, you screwed up and you are going to hell.
I bet you all can't wait for me to release the rest of the gospel. Yep, "The Golden Balls of Christ" is going to be a hit.
