For his professionalism, dedication, performance, and high-score, Larry Nassar has won the World Championship in Grope and received a gold medal for it, which is considered the most prestigious kind of gold medal due to the immense risks involved in participation in the sport (jail, angry boyfriends, angry fathers, etc.). The sport of Grope is not particularly physically exerting but, being globally recognized as the most dangerous Olympic sport, today many men and even a few women in America celebrate the grandiose achievement of Larry “One Man Grope-ocaust” Nassar.
Nassar’s performance is remarkable all the more due the ages of the grope-receivers he has groped; it is claimed that he “reached levels of hebephilia that were hitherto unheard of.” A score that future contestants would be hard pressed — and hard pressing — to top. Personally, I yearn for the day when grope is legalized, so that I too would be inclined to take part in this great tradition. Let me tell you: when all sex crimes become legal, it’ll only be a matter of time before I’ll “go groping.”