Of Course You Side 96% With Bernie Sanders, You White Barista

This morning, white barista, you turned around to hand me my coffee and I couldn’t help but notice your “Feel The Bern” shirt.

Wait, hold on. You’re telling me that YOU, a guy with a tattoo of the word “REVOLUTION” across your wrist bone, support the guy who’s calling for a “political revolution”?? I think I owe your pimp 25 bucks cuz you just blew my mind, man.

Yessss, white barista, while you expertly forced heat and and air into a pitcher of milk, you started telling your coworkers all about how Bernie Sanders is “the only honest politician in the race.” It was—whatever the opposite of surprising is.

BREAKING NEWS: White barista takes ISideWith.com quiz on his break and, in a shockingtwist, supports the kind, drooly liberal who reminds him of his grandpa if his grandpa wasn’t racist.

Oh, white barista. I know you well.

Brooklyn For Bernie, right, white barista?

Socialism and stuff, right, white barista?

Bernie Sanders is the only guy who wants to challenge the power of billionaires and corporations and lemme guess: fuck corporations, right, white barista? Y’know what, I cheated. I spotted your Fjallraven Kanken daypack.

Bernie has so much respect for the coffee bean. I mean, he has to, right?

Hey, white barista, I bet when Bernie Sanders talks you feel like finally someone from the establishment is telling you the truth.  Finally someone respectsyou. Not like your manager, David, who can’t even pour a decent rosetta.

Bernie just gets it. If he were here now, he’d see the crema on your perfectly pulled double ristretto shot and he’d whisper, “You’re a genius.”

Lemme tell you something about Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders doesn’t know what a flat white is and he doesn’t care. Bernie doesn’t give a shit about your your Kenyan Peaberry. If Bernie Sanders knew how much you complain every time you get your paycheck about how much social security and medicare are taken out, he’d hate you.

But you just know Bernie is a good tipper, right? I mean Bernie would totally put a dollar in your tip jar. Or wait—Bernie’s probably anti-tipping and pro a living hourly wage. Which is a good thing! Except that you hustle so much harder than David, because time is money and you deserve those tips and—oh no. Capitalism, white barista. But Bernie Sanders hates capitalism. Does Bernie Sanders—hate you?

Oof. Stuff to think about.

Godspeed, white barista.