As a non-passing Trans woman, I feel there is no place for me in society, but I cannot envision a future for myself in the closet.
I started HRT almost 5 years ago and I've had zero results physically, in some ways I actually look even more masculine than I did pre-everything due to weight gain and general aging.
On top of it all, I just see so much hatred and venom spewed towards people like me at every turn. And I'm not talking about conservatives assholes, I'm talking about progressive people who never stop preaching about diversity and inclusion, but instantly shut the door behind them when it comes to trans women who have committed the cardinal sin of being too ugly. I see it non-stop from Cis feminists, other LGB people, Trans men and AFAB NBs, and younger passing Trans Women. Everyone looks down on non-passing Trans women. We're constantly ridiculed, treated with suspicion at every turn, derided as monsters, predators, & perverts, blamed for making "real" (aka passing) trans people look bad, and relentlessly shamed anytime we even try to exist uncontroversially in any sort of space, all while constantly being talked over and gaslit about our own life experiences, and our pain and suffering erased, and our accomplishments invalidated, bc after all we're just uber-priviledged men, and thus we clearly dont have any real problems in society.
It has all made me incredibly bitter and resentful. I feel like there's no place for people like me anywhere, not in normal society, not within progressive bubbles, and not even within the Trans community itself. I've lost my ability to empathize with or trust other people, unless they have similar circumstances to mine (AMAB, non-passing, no social support). I don't even know what I want or hope to gain from typing all of this out, just that this has been boiling over for a while and I need to get these feelings off my chest before I explode.