you tried to scare yourself out of repenting by claiming what you do to yourself is done by God. this is blaspheming by the mortal sin of despair: trying to absolve yourself by projecting in the hopes another is damned in your place.
No, God does everything to Save you, but you rejected Him. All of your sins and evils are self inflicted.
God left you to your own self-destruction because you asked for it. No sense wasting time on those who are suicidal and therefore outright do not want to be in the Hierarchy of Grace.
hell is the default. As your kind say: the path of the "basic bitch"