To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services
We, the Christians of Americans, demand that you grant the US Citizenship to Jesus Christ, the son of God.
We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA.
Sincerely,
The Undersigned
55 comments
Citizenship Applicant Profile
Name: Yshua ben Yusef
Age: 33
Race: Other (not answered)
Religion: Judaism
Occupation: Carpenter
Admin Notes: Claims to be the Son of God. Intends to destroy "all earthly governments" and set up new government in Jerusalem. Claims that he has authority to cast faithless into eternal damnation.
Conclusions: Applicant is undeniably mentally unstable, clearly intent on carrying out terrorist acts to achieve religious goals. Applicant should be held for thorough psychiatric evaluation at maximum security detention facility.
This has already been addressed in another post concerning a signature to the petition.
But as to the petition itself, what a total waste of time, effort, and web space, as if Jesus were real and were to "return," I doubt such an earthly and human concept as citizenship would amount to any useful purpose. As already mentioned by Zadic and MK, according to the Babble, he will do away with all eartly governments and establish a new one anyway.
These good citizens of the republic of the United States of America seem to be missing an important part of the concept of monarchy, assuming that they still believe that Jesus Christ is Lord of Lords and King of Kings.
The absolute monarch is not generally subject to the rule of his realm. He, being hereditary ruler, does not require citizenship.
If this request were granted, let's hope nobody gets hold of Christ's Social Security Number. Talk about the ultimate identity theft!
This kind of reminds me of God's taxicab license in the movie "Oh, God!" George Burns points to the license, with his photo and the number, which is something like 00000001.
~David D.G.
To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services
We, the Citizens of the rest of the World, demand that you prevent raving lunatics like this from ever leaving the territory of the United States of America......
What would it matter if he had citizenship or not? He's the son of God, he can supposedly do whatever the hell he wants.
It's nice to see that such great personalities as Fidel Castro, Vlad the Impaler and Osama Bin Laden have taken the time to sign it, though.
I happy to be an American, but isn't it presumptuous to assume that Jesus would want to be an U.S. citizen?
If you really believe in Jesus as the omnipotent son of God, what benefit do you think Jesus will get from being an U.S. citizen? I guess he's old enough for Social Security and Medicare, but he may not have the necessary birth and work records.
um. Isn't he supposed to be god? Maybe I read my bible wrong, but this seems to be something a lot of fundies have a difficult time grasping. If he's god, why would he need citizenship of anywhere and, if he did need it, who would be able to deny him?
"Hello, my name is Jesus and I'd like to apply for a green card."
Yeah, like that doesn't already happen every day.
It does all the time. They just pronounce it "hay-SOOS".
Yeah, we better do that. I mean, think about it...Jesus comes back and heads over to the ol' US of A...
...he's young, long hair, Middle Eastern, wearing a robe, sandals, lots of people paying attention to him...
If we don't get JC a US passport, it's the back room at JFK and a cavity search for sure!
Please fill out these forms, sir.
Parents names: Mary and the holy spirit.
This is serious sir. Please fill out the form as requested.
Last known address: heaven
Sorry jesus. We were only able to grant you a temporary visa. Guess you'll have to come back in another 2000 years. Sorry, no rapture today. You will be detained and then you will be sent back to your place of birth. Which is....a manger.
Alright, get this piece of work out of here.
Next applicant please. Name?
McGruff the crime dog. Oh christ, this is gonna be a long day.
>>>We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA. <<<
yeah, cause we all know that the USA is the FUCKING CENTER OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE!
(no offence to about 90% of this sites population *shifty look*)
and i sincerly doubt that with some of that shit that Jesus spouts in the bible, he has a higher likelyhood of being comitted than gaining citizenship in the USA.
The letter was missing the P.S. Here it is in its entirety;
"To: US Citizenship and Immigration Services
We, the Christians of Americans, demand that you grant the US Citizenship to Jesus Christ, the son of God.
We, the good Christians of America know that our Lord and Savior will return to earth and we want to make sure he has a legal status in the USA.
Sincerely,
"the undersigned"
P.S. Please respond to;
University hospital
Pyschiatric ward Lockdown-5th floor
101 asburn place
Tampa, Fl 33526
Please hand deliver green card to Jesus. He will be playing ping-pong with Napoleon or watching The edge of night with Hitler.
Thanks!
Great one, MK. Sorta funny, Sandman. (Not my thing, though.)
I actually signed the petition twice. The first time, I signed as "Vishnu" giving my residence as "Calcutta" and my email address as "vishnu@inthesky.deity" and the second time, I signed as "The Flying Spaghetti Monster," giving my residence as "Nowhere, The Universe" and my email address as "pastasauce@fsm.deity."
Anyone who signs this and isn't joking has obviously had seven or eight too many Jagermeisters.
<<< Awww ...Man....I filled the submission out wrong,now I look like a douche.... oh well. >>>
You submitted this, and Arthur wrote it? We'll have to have Yahweh fix that.
Oh and hey Jesus, would it be ok for me to collect your social security checks?
It is?
WHy THANK YOU, Jesus.
(Why do I get the feeling I've suddenly stumbled on a 5 year old's tea party?)
Objection!
If he comes back, he will have to pass all the tests and file the whole darn paperwork like all of us first generation immigrants had to!! Including the field stating his fathers:
-name
-date of birth
-and place of birth.
BTW: Why do you think he would wish to come to the US?
On what grounds? What makes him different from other immigrants from the Middle East?
IF he exists, and IF he comes back, I bet he's going to the Middle East. Seems he is needed there badly. And as both a Jew and the "first" Christian, maybe he can build some bridges between the people of that region.
Um...are you guys afraid that in your theocratic, Kool-Aid fueled, global Jonestown fantasy some overzealous Immigrations officer is going to try to deport Jeebus?
Because...if so, I can and do sincerely imagine this exchange:
"Sir, are you a citizen of these United States?"
"No, I was born in the Middle East. Hey, lemme ask you a question. Are you now, or have you ever been, a watermelon?"
"No..."
*poof!*
"You are now."
Well, I would consider granting citizenship to Jesus.
But only if he applies for it PERSONALLY.
Perhaps this Jesus-guy isnt interested at all in US citizenship? Perhaps he prefers becoming Canadian ;-) Or even Swedish...
If Jesus is the son of God and is also God, and is therefore his own Father, who is omnipotent,he should be equally omnipotent and can therefore give himself citizenship of the USA (and any damn place else) any time he wants.
Can't he? I mean, shit, he could walk on water and turn five loaves into a million fish (or some such shit), so a Green Card shouldn't be beyond his power.
It would be such a shame if they rejected an application by Jesus and threw a proverbial wrench in God's plans. Ah, to be the omnipotent lord creator of all cosmos, and yet have your divine plan foiled by the bloody immigration department. Wait, wait, I have another one; to think that God created the world in 6 days, but he's going to have to wait 6 months for bureaucratic approval.
Y'know, they probably should, cuz we all know if the Jesus that would have actually existed showed up, they would ship his black ass out on the next leaky boat in a hot second.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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