On June 30, 1984, Jesus said : "And also, My children, I ask you again to place a crucifix upon your door. Both front and back doors must have a crucifix. I say this to you because there will be carnage within your areas, and this will pass you by if you keep your crucifix upon your doors."
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On March 12, 2008, Jesus said, "And also, My children of Cloverdale, whenever one of you beholds a Jehovah's Witness entering thy seldom-travelled country road, verily ye must telephone thy neighbors immediately, so that all may withdraw into their houses and lock their doors and turn their lights off, so that the Witnesses will find no listening ear in thy peaceful valley, and their insanity shall be in vain."
Evidently god isn't sufficiently omnipotent to know if someone's family is christian or not without them having some kind of label.
Either that or demons are only able to materialise outside your house and then have to go through the door. See, trying to talk about some imaginary, intangible, ethereal world in terms of actual verifiable reality goes all runny when you get into the specifics.
So Jesus was around in 1984?
Doesn't that mean that the last days already came and went?
So Reagan was indeed the Anti-Christ?
By my calculations, Jesus has been dead for 1,951 years, give or take a few months and not adjusting for the Gregorian/Julian calendar thing. So, if you guys are hearing from Jesus in 1984, you can pretty reliably assume that you've been suffering from some form of schizophrenia for something in the neighbourhood of 25 years. There ARE medications and therapies that can remedy that for you.
Hey, Jesus was around in June 30, 1984? Damn, I missed him! And that's my birthday! That bastard owes me a present!
We could demolish this ministry just by robbing every house with a cross on the front and back door.
"Hey Father, my house got burgled last night, what happened to carnage passing me by?"
Yesterday, Jebus said to me, "Now we're baking with arms cake underpants, lady..." and walked off across the WalMart parking lot with his black trashbag full of bottles and cans.
I is a profit--I mean, prophet.
On Septembruary 38th, in the year 9595, Jesus said: "Well...I'm finally back....I know you guys thought that I would have come back, well...every year for the past 9 millenia....Sorry about that. Me and my life partner Julian were really busy, and...I kind of lost track of time..."
Jesus was saying things in 1984. Well, that's a bulletin that I missed. You'd have thought that the media would have made a bigger thing about it. Maybe it is a conspiracy of the left wing/atheist/satanist/communist/homosexual/not True Christian/liberal/democratic/republican/muslim/buddhist/pot smoking/jewish/ everybody else who isn't TLDM.
On June 30, 1984, Jesus said
ORLY! which gospel is that in? the gospel acording to St Bullshit?
@nfp
Hmm, are you implying that Jezus of stole your wristwatch in 1984 ???
OTOH, that might explain all those disappearing socks ... :)
June 30, 1984: John Napier Turner becomes Canada's 17th Prime Minister.
One of our statements is fact; one is fiction.
I grew up in this shit. Long story short, crazy housewife hears voices, identifies it as mary, the mother of god, then soon afterward begins getting visited by jesus and all of the saints, and instead of checking herself into the crazy bin she decides to listen to the voices and people start following her and she sets up camp with about a thousand nutjobs (one of them happening to be one of my parents) outside a local church every sunday until the neighborhood gets together and threatens them with jail time. Mysteriously, the virgin mary then tells her to go to the site of the world's fair, and they've been there every sunday since, praying from sun up to sun down taking pictures with shaky hands from saying rosaries for hours straight, so when they get a finger on the lens or streaks of light from the rosary beads they're still praying on while trying to operate the camera, they're then billed as "miraculous photos".
This statement, or "directive" is pretty mild for them. There's much crazier stuff by far, such as evil ufo's from hell, the evils of rock music, and some story about satan making her food taste like dog biscuits.
"On June 30, 1984, Jesus said: "And also, My children, I ask you again to place a crucifix upon your door. Both front and back doors must have a crucifix. I say this to you because there will be carnage within your areas, and this will pass you by if you keep your crucifix upon your doors."
Yeah. And I know there's a guy who works down the chip shop who swears he's Elvis.
'tldm'? More like tl;dr, amirite?
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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