But being a liberal means never having to worry about the facts. Facts can be uncomfortable, and of course, anything that makes anyone uncomfortable is a violation of our constitutional rights. The only fact that matters is the foundational fact that you can only feel what is right, so if a fact happens to contradict your feelings, obviously that fact must be wrong. Sentio, ergo rectum.

Due to this inescapable and irrefutable logic, I have finally been convinced that I will be healthier, happier and wealthier if I join the large-brained ranks of the morally superior elite. I have therefore decided to become a liberal. Already I have benefited greatly from my decision – whereas many previous discussions ended in a frustrating impasse, now, being inestimably more clever and better-looking than before, I am able to win any argument with the greatest of ease. Let me share with you the secret of my success.

1.Make an untrue statement, preferably on the subject of something about which you know nothing.

2.Express astonishment that your source could possibly be inaccurate.

3.Demand what motivation your source would have to lie.

4.Assert that the other party’s inability to articulate this motivation is tantamount to proof that your source is not lying.

5.Question the motivation of the contrary source.

6.Argue that all sources are equal and that therefore the contrary source is irrelevant.

7.Change the subject.