What's one of the things that we all most dread? Yes, it's when your new neighbour moves in and you discover that he's a nog. This happened to a friend of mine recently. He's the drummer in a fairly successful rock band, though he wouldn't dream of practising his drums at home, out of respect for his neighbours, unless he uses his silent practice kit, which is just a set of rubber pads.

He answered a knock on the door one day to find a nigger buck on the doorstep, who introduced himself as his new nigbour. After they'd exchanged names (my friend just trying to be polite for the sake of keeping the peace) the buck said: "Ah lahkes tuh play mah rap recordz loud, knowwhadah'msayin'?" (Yes, niggers in the UK really do talk like that- I don't know if it's a speech impediment caused by all that blubber in their lips, or if they're imagining themselves to be part of some Harlem street gang- or maybe one of those cool rapper dudes that they admire so much. I digress...)

The nig went on: "Ah hopes youz don' mahynd," knowing, of course, that any human would most certainly "mahynd" but wouldn't dare take any action for fear of violent repercussions or being convicted of a racial hate "crime."

My friend handled it beautifully:

"No, I don't mind at all." I'm a drummer in a rock band and I need to practice at home. I have a 3 kW sound system rigged up in my living room, so I can play along with my band's recordings. I like to practice for a couple of hours a day, to keep my hand in. So you can play your rap as loud as you like- I won't hear a thing."

If it was possible for a nigger to turn white, this one would have done so. He froze in mid-sneer, then turned round and shuffled off. My friend hasn't heard a sound of him from that day on. It's good to share a bit of uplift every now and then. On this occasion it was definitely Humans: 1, Niggers 0.