Here’s my proposition for a new, fair, rating system for films.
NDA: Not for Dumbasses. The film may contain depictions of behavior that anyone who isn’t a dumbass knows not to imitate, language that anyone who isn’t a dumbass knows isn’t appropriate for normal social situations, ideas and/or concepts that anyone who isn’t a dumbass knows is not meant to offend or invalidate their worldview, and/or a fictional story that anyone who isn’t a dumbass knows isn’t real.
DO: Dumbasses Only. The film contains only the most innocuous, puerile, trite situations, language, ideas, behaviors and story. The film has been stripped of controversy, relevance, and thought. Nothing in the film is in any way intriguing or interesting. The story is simple and explained in great detail. The characters are broad and stereotyped to avoid any confusion; the white guy is always the hero, the black guy always dies first, and the ugly people are always evil.
CDO: Christian Dumbasses Only. Just like DO rating, but the story and characters are overtly Christian, and the resolution to any conflict is always either prayer, divine intervention, or fulfilled Biblical prophecy.
These three base ratings can be amended with these riders:
-TPHAPOASHHDBYKI: The Poster Has A Picture Of A Severed Human Head, Don’t Bring Your Kids, Idiot.
-CNOANHN: Contains Nudity Of A Non-Hottie Nature. (Also known as the “Kathy Bates Warning.”)
-NSFCWAOR: Not Screened For Critics, Watch At Own Risk.