[Gives series of quotes from Donald Trump and asks who said them]

I’d just like to also mention for the record the fact that we are all up-in-arms about Pope Francid and his Franboys getting ready to eviscerate the sacrament of marriage later this fall, but don’t even bat an eyelash when public figures have a string of ex-spouses. I guess I’m just being completely unreasonable, unrealistic and— wait for it— IMMODERATE to expect any degree of intellectual consistency from anyone, ever. After all, it’s a post-modern world, and the essence and battlecry of modernism is, “WE DON’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE WHAT WE BELIEVE!”

So here’s the answer. All of the quotes above are from the second coming of George Washington, or Constantine – oh, no wait. The second coming of Constantine is Putin—

—That developer of mirror-penis skyscrapers which he then names after himself, because that is so totally NOT indicative of anything even remotely problematic:

The only function I would attend with Bill and/or Hillary Clinton, people who are rapists, murderers and guilty of capital crimes against humanity, would be their public executions.