10 Christian Dating Tips for Effective Missionary Dating
1. If he tells your that you are hot...
Tell him God made you hot.
2. If he wants to hold your hand...
Give him a Bible.
3. If he tries to get closer...
Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.
4. If he asks to pay for dinner...
Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!
5. If he reaches his arm around you...
Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
(or ask him if you instead could "lay hands" on him in prayer)
6. If he tries to kiss you...
Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
(and you're not ready to "speak in tongues")
7. If he asks to come inside...
Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.
8. If he tells you he loves you...
Tell him that Jesus loves him.
9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...
Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."
10. After you dump him...
Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.
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11. When you do put out ...
Make sure you yell "Oh, Jesus! Yes! Yes! God!" a lot.
12. When you deny it to all the other holier-than-thous ...
It's OK, Peter did it three times.
13. When you can't conceal your pregnancy ...
Remind your dad that he believes Mary was a virgin.
14. When your pastor slips a hand down your dress during "counseling" ...
Remember you're here to serve others.
15. If you used to nod along with denunciations of "Welfare queens," but are now a single mom with no legally marketable skills ...
Remember that Jesus consorted with prostitutes. Maybe he'll pick you up too.
If this is not a parody, if this is not a poe...
Honestly, some of these tips will leave the guy in a state that no Viagra can help him.
I assume they forgot step 0
0. find a boy with an IQ far below 100, who might be susceptible to missionary work by following these 10 steps
datetosave - is this a site for perpetual virgins or perpetual masturbators?
No 7 is interesting, though. The thought of coming inside seems at odds with the rest of the stuff.
11. When he wants you to go anal, tell him he's really going anal with Jesus.
12. When he wants to be tied up and spanked, tell him only Jesus can release him from Bondage.
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
1. "God must like big butts. I knew he was a brother!"
2. "Cool, I can use this to spank you!"
3. "Wanna know what the Holy Spirit just suggested we do?"
4. "That's not the only thing we have in common. Speaking of getting nailed -"
5. "Can I come second?" -or- "Sure, just make sure it's a nice, long prayer... oh, lower... "
6. "Dude on dude? Kinky!" -and- "Don't worry, my tongue can do the work of two!"
7. "Yeah, Jesus is inside me. You wanna join him?"
8. "Yeah but I LOVE you."
9. "But what about giving to those who have none?"
10. "Will Jesus help me masturbate, then?"
Definite Poe, from the QA:
"Doesn't God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be "yoked with unbelievers"?
I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it's a "A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together." I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date... I think the thing that is more important is that we should use our talents for God. If you're really good at dating, or just really really good looking, then you should use that to bring souls to God.
"
Geez, its horrible how christians like that can get dates or even get laid, then even worse, they regret it afterwards...
It sickens me that these people get something I want.
It's a Poe.
From the site: "Should you date one person until he comes to Christ, or should you date lots of people?
Jesus told us to reach the "outermost parts of the world." I mean, I'm not going to fly to Kenya and date some guy who eats worms, but I think for me, "outermost parts of the world" means all the hot guys that live around me here in Fremont, California."
Edit: Gressil beat me to it.
After you dump him? Haha, then he's either mentally ill or has the patience of a saint, cuz there is no one who is going to stick around long enough for you to get to #10.
BTW, #10 is just heartless. Oh yeah, I'm leaving you, don't ever talk to me again, but hey, Jesus still loves you!
And I thought my fundy ex-roommate's Save Souls Through Ballroom Dancing plan was whacked!
(Yes, I have a fundy ex-roommate. Yes, she wanted to save people at dances. No, she wasn't actually crazy enough to say any of these things.)
Missionary position, I think that was 12. Did anyone think this?
Damn, I hope all fundie women actually follow this so we get the stupidity and child abuse out of the gene pool.
On #7, he could offer to wear a condom.
Is "speaking in tongues" what female fundies call it? Good to know.
11. When he tries to seduce you by saying he'll put God first in your sex lives, tell him that God isn't into threesomes.
I think the thong undies in the "Date to Save Shop" gives away the whole thing. Although, they would make a fortune in Japan.
I see an error in your list.
HE dumped HER.
Most likely, it had less to do with the sex, & more to do with the answer to every statement being a crazed non sequiter.
I'd just about make it past point 1, but by point 2 I'd be running home to masturbate or heading for the nearest brothel. Even if she was hotter than Michelle Pfeiffer, Sharon Stone and Kim Bassinger in their heydays - combined.
I suspect Poe, though. At least I hope I do.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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