Rob #homophobia #fundie brothersroad.org
I began to discover and finally deal with the root causes of my same-sex attraction (SSA) – the developmental issues like abuse and bullying and other things that had inadvertently and unconsciously caused me to develop same-sex desires.
After years of trying to pray the attractions away, wish them away, trying willpower and more and more religious zeal, at last I discovered reparative therapy and books and other resources that showed me a way out. I began uncovering and healing the underlying wounds and emotional pain, and as I did, my sexual desire for men began to dissipate, then disappear.
It was a miracle – but not the overnight miracle I had prayed for all those years. It was a hard-work miracle, where God led me to new resources and support and knowledge and people. He led me through the difficult, painful work of healing that I needed to do.
Before, I was powerfully attracted to men sexually, but I didn’t like them as people. I craved their bodies and their attention, but I didn’t like men in a fraternal, platonic way. I didn’t want to be around them. I didn’t feel like one of them.
In therapy, I uncovered abuse issues and dealt with the lingering impact of peer abuse and bullying in my past, as well as my disaffection from my father and other men. I discovered how those things had put me on a track of isolation and alienation from other males and from my own masculinity that I had been unconsciously trying to heal through homosexual lust, without ever realizing that’s what was driving those feelings. I had this lust-hate relationship with men where I wanted them sexually but I had vengeful feelings for them at the same time.
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I discovered I have a natural interest in women that feels good and right and pleasurable.
Before, I couldn’t feel attraction to women because I had this intense, almost compulsive desire for men that was blocking me. With that out of the way, I discovered I have a natural interest in women that feels good and right and pleasurable. I’ve been dating women for the past year or two, and I find it’s far more satisfying than my sexual desires for men ever were.
I’ll admit it’s not as intense – and to me, that’s a good thing. My homosexual desires were obsessive, lustful and overpowering. They were more about dominating other men, having power over men. There was almost a sense of revenge.
In contrast, my heterosexual desires are more peaceful, more joyful. They feel more about giving, where my homosexual desires had been more about taking. In being with a woman, I feel like I am coming from a place of wholeness. Before, when I craved men, it felt like I was coming from a wounded place, a place of emptiness. It’s very different. And so much more right for me.