And now some words from our old friend, Mr. Eddie Izzard, on transubstantiation:
"Jesus:And then I did the last supper, and I gave them some wine and I said, drink this wine - it is my blood.
God: You said what?
Jesus: I said, drink this wine it is my blood. I was trying to make it a ceremony.
God: But that's vampirism! Vampiric thing, drink my blood. You've got Pagan things right there on day one of the new religion!
Jesus: ...Oh, sorry.
God: Why didn't you say, drink this wine it's a Merlot?
Jesus: Oh, yeah.
God: Did you say anything else?
Jesu: ...What do you mean?
God: Well, after the wine thing did you say anything else that might have screwed things up...for ever and ever?
Jesus: No
God: Nothing at all?
Jesus:...No
God: Nothing about bread?
Jesus:...Yes
God: What did you say?
Jesus: Well, I said, 'eat this bread, it is my...favourite!
God:...
Jesus: Because it was hot so they had all those crinkly bits in it, and I loved it and...All right, I said it was my body, OK!?
God: That's- that's cannibalism! You have got vampirism and cannibalism right at the beginning- Oh, Gee! And you died on Easter, the biggest pagan ceremony in the history of ever! (losing it a bit) You're going to celebrate the year of your death in a different year, each year! Depending on where the moon is, for God's sake! If they don't work out that's pagan I'll just eat my hat.
Jesus: Dad, don't worry. No one's going to work it out for 2000 years - until a transvestite points it out in New York!
God: Oh, all right.
Jesus: Well, what would you have done?
God: I would have done cheese and wine. Cheese and wine goes together better. Eat this cheese, it is my body
Jesus: But it's Judea, dad. Cheese melts.
God: All right: eat this cheese it is my central nervous system, all right?
Jesus:...
God: All right, all right, listen to this: eat these chicken drumsticks, they are my legs. Eat these carrots, they are my arms. Eat this tomato it is my head. And eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps.
Jesus: If you do that, dad, your holy communion is going to have priests going round with lots of trays going, 'Who ordered the body of Christ, then?'"
-Eddie Izzard
