Barack Hussein Soebarkah: In Two Places at the Same Time?

The 44th President of the United States is, of course, Barack Hussein Obama II.

Barack Hussein Obama II has also been known by names such as Barry Soetoro, Barry Obama, and Barack Hussein Obama (Soebarkah).

To be sure, only supposed madmen note that the name "Soebarkah" originated in very tight spatiotemporal proximity to the operations of a cult called "Subud" that was founded by a Muslim named Mohammad Subuh -- a cult wherein personal name changes were the order of the day.

That Soebarkah's mother associated with members of the cult, and that, some 45 years later, a leader of the cult (Deliana Loretta Fuddy) would be the first non-medical doctor in the state of Hawaii to run the State's Department of Health (and therefore have custody over Soebarkah's long form birth certificate) is, shall we say, rather odd -- but nothing more than that, except to the most determined and deluded of conspiracy theorists.

Conspiracy theorists might add that cult leader Fuddy, relatively soon after her certification of Soebarkah's origins, apparently perished in a plane crash survived by everyone on board including the cult leader herself -- until the cult leader, post-collision, poetically disengaged a hand and was swallowed by the ocean.

But, this is truly sheer madness -- all of it; there's simply no denying it.

And yet, the depths of the madness inspired by the most transformative of presidents remain unfathomed -- even by the most ardent of conspiracy theorists.

You see, there are certain very queer facts about the nameshifter that not even the most ardent conspiracy theorist will want to deny.

Astoundingly, it would appear that Soebarkah could be in two places at the same time.

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Of course Soebarkah himself did not fold time and space; of course he is not a genius supreme.

The genuine, non-conspiratorial explanation is much more mundane.

Soebarkah lived in Indonesia, then appeared in Hawaii for a very brief spell, then moved right back to Indonesia, and then back to Hawaii again.

We can confirm this by consulting Department of Education records.

Except we can't, of course, because by mere happenstance the Department of Education "has been unable to find his records."

Perhaps instead we could simply examine the 1965 passport of Stanley Ann Dunham? Nope; the State Department informs us that Dunham's passport materials were destroyed as a matter of routine.

Clearly, these sorts of thing often happen.

Just as it frequently happens that the National Student Clearinghouse -- responsible for collegiate education verification -- goes back and forth on a whether a person was enrolled at an institution for one year or two years -- as it did with Soebarkah.

And, literary agents often, out of nowhere, suppose that their US born clients were in fact born in Kenya.

In addition, and just as unquestionably, the passports of presidential candidates with rock solid identities are breached every election cycle.

In view of the foregoing, it should be obvious that everything is cool with Soebarkah's Social Security Number, his Selective Service card, and so on; only racists and those who oppose amnesty think otherwise.

Any conclusions to the contrary obviously amount to nothing more than conspiracy theories -- racist aspersions cast upon a president whose identity is as constant and known as Ronald Reagan's was.