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The Twelve Stages of a Holohoax Tale

1. The survivor is put in a cattle car filled with hundreds of Jews, but only one poop bucket, and sent to a camp, usually Auschwitz. Many Jews die of suffocation along the way but none of thirst or hunger since Jews can go many days without food or water.

2. The survivor stands in a line: to be chosen either for the gas chamber or the kitchen/orchestra/workshop. Close family members are always put in the gas line. And even though all those under 14 are immediately gassed at Auschwitz, for some reason the survivor is put in the work line.

3. The survivor comes face to face with Dr. Death himself – Joseph Mengele – who decides to spare his/her life because Mengele had never seen a dancing Jew, a singing Jew, a Jew with no pimples, or a Jew willing to do physical labor.

4. The survivor lives on a meager ration of 300 calories per day; including turnip heads/potato skins/grass soup/sawdust/human flesh/poop/corn/rat meat etc.

5. However he is still strong enough to work for the Germans as a lumber jack, carpenter, electrician, plumber, rocket scientist, etc….

6. The survivor has some gold, diamonds or other hidden jewelry, which he swallows and defecates in a continuous cycle, and uses to bribe the guards for favors or pay for a visit to the camp brothel.

7. He is taken to the gas chamber, but miraculously escapes at the last minute, evading the guards. His friends are all killed.

He witnesses other horrible atrocities: babies brain’s bashed out by SS brain bashing machines, bears and eagles fighting over Jewish bones, Jewish zombies pulling people back into the burial pits, SS guards feasting on Jew sausage, Jews with their legs reversed in twisted medical experiments, people burned alive in the ovens when the gas chambers were too full….

8. The survivor is then forced to take part in a “death march” which doesn’t actually lead to his death. Often he just runs off.

9. The survivor is recaptured, then transferred to another camp, where he miraculously cheats death again… and again… and again…. This may be repeated any number of times.

10. The survivor finally escapes for good, right under the guards’ noses – this usually involves hiding in a latrine. He then runs into a nearby forest where he is rescued by anti-Nazi partisans, or wolves. At the end of the war he is rescued by allied soldiers and weighs only 40-50 pounds.

He discovers he is the only member of his entire family of 2,000 to survive the war. The survivor then emigrates to America… Britain… Australia… Israel…. And though he has no friends, family, money or connections, and cannot sleep at night due to bad dreams, he prospers and buys a multinational corporation.

11. For 60 years the survivor says nothing to anyone about his experiences. Then, suddenly, he can talk of nothing else! He writes a memoir called something like, “Dancing to the Music of My Dreams – A Survivor’s Story”.

12. The survivor has finally found peace, and spends the rest of his life telling his amazing story to schoolchildren - but only the very youngest ones of course….?

1 comments

Confused?

So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

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