I’m getting married next year, ironically on Father’s Day, but I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle or dance with me or anything of that nature. My dad sexually abused me as a kid but I still have not told my mom. They are still married to this day, almost 30yrs. My mom doesn’t understand why I’m very dismissive of my dad. There is no good time to break the news and I fear for hers and mine financial and mental well being. I don’t want to hurt my mom or have her living alone or just being sad. Is this a bad time? Should I keep on living this lie. Every time I go home it’s stressful and awkward. I don’t know what to do, any advice? I was going to have my fiancé break the news via a long though out email and he is willing. Btw I’m 32 and the abuse occurred in elementary maybe even before.

tl;dr should I tell my mom that my dad sexually abused me one year before my wedding and they’re still married.

justnotcoo1:
I would not tell. He is not putting anyone in any further danger. You have your Mom and your Mom has some sense of security in her old age. Let your Mom just be happy. You are making no sacrifice not telling, and if you did tell you may regret it. Let sleeping dogs lie. Seek therapy. Find your peace and live with the knowledge that you did the best thing for your mother and she will never know it. She is too old to start over.

Multacks:I don't think you should tell her. From the info that you gave it seems like their is little positive and very big negative problems that would come out of this. Positive being mental benefit and to clear the air on why you act that way to him. Negatives could be divorce, financial, loss of communication between family, mom having to live with you, her not believing you. Also, their are lots of random outcomes that never could never plan for like, her knowing all along (chrissssa). Finally people change maybe he regrets it and hopes to just move on.

thesonofgodsaves: What good would it do? Perhaps it would be helpful to you to get a sheet of paper, draw a dividing line down the middle and top with "PRO's" vs. "CON's", then list. Furthermore, why be dismissive of your father? I can understand you not wanting to be walked down the aisle by him, but holding onto resentment and anger are only bringing pain. You will never heal until you forgive him.

It’s not holding on to resentment it’s just how can you have love for someone who did this. He also verbally abused me my whole life and physically did until I was old enough to run faster than him. Why would I want to show him any affection. No resentment just disgusted when I see him

thesonofGodsaves:
Well, I'll tell ya, with man this is perhaps impossible, but with God, it is. I was sexually abused by a man who lured me into his apartment when I was a little kid. It damaged me for years. But I can tell you that Jesus healed me and has given me love and forgiveness for this man. I have asked God to forgive him and to save him like He saved me. I wish to see him in Heaven and be able to greet him as a brother because of the great grace and loving-kindness and power-to-save of our God. This man who did that abuse to me was broken and sick and an evil sinner, yes. But this is precisely why Jesus came! He alone has the power to take away our hearts of stone and to give us hearts of flesh.