[If we received a confirmed signal from a distant alien civilization (proving that there is intelligent life on other planets), how would it affect your views regarding Christianity, Jesus and salvation?]
I would be excited, because then there would be new opportunities to evangelize.
71 comments
Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this Marklar or any of his marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use Marklar to try and force marklars to believe their marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with their Marklar.
If they're really intelligent , your attempts at evangelizing them will fall on deaf ears (or whatever organs they have for hearing). Just try not to piss them off to the point where they decide to zap Earth, mm'kay?
Ok, so we all agree this one isn't allowed near the first contact, second contact, in fact it may be better if we tie him to some tree in the backwoods should any aliens show up.
*Aliens show up*
DSK: Welcome aliens, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
Alien 1 (Communicating telepathically): Oh great, he wants to talk about his stupid human religion, should we just ignore him?
Alien 2: Wait, 2000 years ago, walked on water, came back after 3 days, did he turn water into alcohol?
DSK: Yes
Alien 1: That was ek'ka, he was a scout for this planet centuries ago, had a bunch of stories about going native.
Alien 1 and 2 laugh their asses off.
DSK kills himself.
Except that this would kind of explode the whole idea that humans are the pinnacle of "Creation", now wouldn't it? Doesn't your religion claim that God made everything for the benefit of humans? What would the discovery of another form of life that is at least on our level do to that? Anyway, the question specified a "distant signal". Even if they were willing to listen to you, you'd have to find a way to communicate with them first. And whoever said they would understand any of our languages?
DSK might actually be doing humanity a favor:
This is Glork, calling homeworld. Glork, calling homeworld. Come in, homeworld.
We have found a race of being on this planet. They call themselves "Christians." They blather on and on about crazy nonsense that any being with half a brain can tell is logically impossible. This planet is clearly too annoying to invade. Recommend we find someplace else to go that has no "Christians" to bore us to death.
Oh my... that made my day. Thanks a huge deal, DSK, I needed that.
Sounds like a surefire way to get invaded.
Two great ones in a single thread. This is a gem.
Someone photoshop me a pic of a priest trying to convert Luke from Jediism to Christianity.
Hey, 'Tard, "Intelligent" is the key word in Intelligent Life. They'd more than likely not fall for your shit, either. However, your stupidity would interest them to the point of anal probes of every fundie they come in contact with. So it's a win-win for everyone.
Actualy I think that a non terrestrial civilization, violates the whole judeo/christian ideology.
The bible would require us to destroy them(the aliens)imediately.
And of course since they are contacting us, they are probably more technologicly advanced than we are...
...
...
... figure it out
How did the quote go again, about there being "bugger all down there" in the way of intelligent life?
"We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
"We are the Christians! Resistance is futile. You will be converted."
The question now is, would they be caught in a feedback loop and neutralized, or would they get twice as dangerous/annoying?
Actualy I think that a non terrestrial civilization, violates the whole judeo/christian ideology.
The bible would require us to destroy them(the aliens)imediately.
For the Emperor-God of Mankind! For the Imperium of Man! Kill the Xeno!!!
Well, if the Borg did show up and started assimilating fundies, they would become so stupid they would not be able to pilot their own vessel. Could you imagine a Borg with a bible? Now that would truly be a scary fate! A drone droning on about 'bout Jeeeeeeeeeeezus!!!
Then don't be suprised when they "laugh" in your face, or better yet, vaporize you, upon shoving a Bible in their face.
Too bad, if it were a C instead of a K, I could say DSC stood for discorporate, which they might actually do when they find out that they are "only an egg".
Couple of questions for you, DSK:
It's four light years to the next star (we'll assume it has planets revolving around it and one of those planets has some form of life as we know it).
Exactly how do you plan to get there; and once you do get there -- how do you know there's going to be any intelligent life there to evangelize?
And what makes you think they wouldn't have some sort of deity of their own -- or that they'd be interested in what you have to say (let alone if they could understand you)?
Fundies, fundies, fundies. They never seem to think "out of the box".
As the alien envoys' ship slowly left the planet's atmosphere, Pastor Stephens hoped they would enjoy the leather-bound Bible he had given them as a gift.
About five years later, a radio signal was intercepted by radio telescope in Arizona, that included the phrase, "Special thanks to the one called Stephens, for your brilliant tome of humor."
Well, let's take look at what aliens might be lurking out there:
Mi-Go: Horrible insect/crablike creatures which have set up secret bases on Earth to mine various resources. They worship Yog-Sothoth, Nyarlathotep, and Shub-Niggurath and do not like to be disturbed. They would probably remove fundie’s brains and take them back to their homeworld of Yuggoth for study.
Galactus: A really big guy who lives in outer space and eats planets. He would most likely be too busy eating our planet to care what a bunch of religious whack-jobs are trying to tell him.
Xenomorph: A pseudo-sexual, insectoid alien that reproduces by laying eggs in a hosts abdominal cavity. Armed with a stinger, extending mandible, corrosive blood and an unquenchable urge to procreate, they would most likely be unresponsive to the Good News. Rape and/or chestbursting is inevitable when dealing with these guys.
Great Race of Yith: Body-hopping creatures formerly from the doomed world of Yith. As their name suggests, they are a somewhat self-centered race. They would probably steal a fundie's body, and then laugh at his primitive monkey-man religion.
Fin Fang Foom: A giant alien dragon in spiffy purple underpants. FFF would most likely simply eat any and all fundies that approached him, belch and then go back to sleep until he has to fight a group of poorly dressed superheroes.
Decapodians: Big Lobster Men from the planet Decapod 10. They are all orthodox jews and are therefore strictly off-limits in the preaching department.
The Elder Things: Beings of uncountable age who came to Earth billions of years ago and created life either as a joke, or by mistake. The current whereabouts of the Elder Things is unknown and the only existing structure they have left behind is a massive city in Antarctica. Being the creators of the human race they would most likely be mildly amused by the babblings of their monkey-like creations, and would possibly kill and eat us at their pot lucks.
Shoggoth: The disturbing servants of The Elder things. They have the appearance of giant, many-eyed amoebas. Their sentience is questionable and would probably devour fundies, which is actually a quite merciful fate as the Shoggoth's appearance has been known to cause madness.
The Mooninites: Two dimensional beings who supposedly control the moon. They are obnoxious, arrogant, and general trouble makers. After hearing the evangelistic tactics of any Christian they would promptly claim to already worship a "Moon God" who could "Totally kick your god's primitive buttocks". They would then flip any and all fundies off and make off with the their stereo systems.
Martians: Ugly bastards that inhabit the nearby planet Mars. They seem to have a general disdain for humans and a taste for our rich, tasty blood. This misanthropy, combined with their giant death-walkers and heat rays makes them a force to be reckoned with. The Martians would probably death-ray all fundies (and any other human beings) that came within their sight before dying of the common cold.
Yog-Sothoth- A horrible deity from beyond the stars. He is a being of inconceivable dimensions and power who evolved beyond the human concepts of "good" and "evil" long ago. To know him is madness, to seek him is suicide. He would most likely no be amused by our primitive attempts at evangelism (what with him being a God and all) and would promptly rape our world to death for reasons our mortal minds could never comprehend.
So, in conclusion: The various monsters and horrors that lurk throughout the universe hate us enough as is, let’s just leave well enough alone and bow down before our new reptilian overlords.
Does DSK stand for DipShitKlan?
Look buddy - here's a little thought. You know how you idiots claim God made you in his image, and normal people laugh and claim you made God in your image!
Following that?
Good.
So when the aliens make contact, if God made us in his image, these aliens will all bow down and worship us as Gods.
Can you see that happening?
No?
Good, so I suggest you shut the fuck up and bow down and kiss whatever shiny green protuberance they offer your way!
Fundie : God permanently cursed the world because a talking snake tricked Adam and Eve into eating a piece of magic fruit, then God lifted the curse as a reward for torturing His son to death.
Alien (passes an entire cheese sandwich through his nose, laughing): "Are you kidding? The snake was Agok the Limbless. And it was a mushroom, not a piece of fruit. Afterwards, Adam and Eve woke up in the desert, confused and mumbling something about a garden, and wandered off before we could talk to them. Later, we sent a guy to straighten you people out, but you killed him by nailing him on a cross. We've been assembling our invasion force ever since. Any last wishes"?
The brilliant polish science-fiction author Stanislaw Lem covered this topic in several of his novels. Read "The Star Diaries", you won't regret it.
In one episode there, a christian missionary visits an alien race and tries to proselytize them. This alien race now turned out to be the most altruistic, most selfless race in the whole galaxy. His attempts at converting them worked immediately and much to his delight ...
... until one day, these aliens grabbed him, and tortured him in the most gruesome and horrible way until he finally died.
Why did they do this? Well, he preached that martyrs in Christ will enter heaven immediately. Furthermore, he preached that a good christian must do EVERYTHING for his fellow neighbour. These aliens therefore concluded that they will abandon even their own salvation in an act of ultimate self-sacrifice so their beloved missionary will enter heaven and sit forever at Jesus' side as a martyr.
So my dear fundies: Take care when proselytizing alien civilizations. The result might turn out very different than you expect...
What if it turns out that they want to impose their idea of "god" on you? Or that they claim to be your god? Do you realize how ridiculous it would be to assume that they would care about the claims of human tradition, other than for curiosity and to understand your culture? Especially that even on Earth, they are numerous and conflicting.
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
To post a comment, you'll need to Sign in or Register . Making an account also allows you to claim credit for submitting quotes, and to vote on quotes and comments. You don't even need to give us your email address.