When that priest assaulted you, he was thinking certain things, and those things were not at all what God was thinking. When the Church system worked to hush up what happened, they were thinking certain things, and what they were thinking was not at all what God was thinking. Understanding God’s involvement in your assault begins by recognizing that a group of individuals can engage in the same activity without having the same motivations. One man eats a plate of food because he’s very hungry and he really enjoys it. Another man eats a plate of the same food because he’s trying to be polite to his host, but he really hates it. On the outside, both men are going through the same motions, and where we humans see the same behaviors happening, we assume uniform motivations. But the truth is that these two men have vastly different reasons for doing what they’re doing. One man is thinking of pleasing himself, the other is thinking of blessing someone else. In the same way, when that priest assaulted you, he wasn’t thinking of you, he was thinking of himself. For humans, sexual assault is a very self-serving activity in which we degrade someone else for our own gratification. But for God, this is never what sexual assault is about. For God, putting you through this kind of experience is about helping you by forcing you to change in drastic ways.

There’s no way to remain unchanged by trauma. This is by God’s design. Before you were assaulted, you were not all that God wanted you to be. You were—and still are—a work in progress. We could say the same of every human. We’re all works in progress. We’re all walking down roads that God has set us down on. The road that you’re on is unique to you and as you walk, God creates forks in your road: decision points at which you have to pause and decide if you’re going to go right or left. These options are forced upon you—you don’t get to decide when they will appear. God makes them appear in your life.

Being assaulted is a major fork. Now that this horrible experience has been forced upon you and you find yourself reeling with all kinds of distressing aftereffects, what now? Well, it’s like you’ve been thrown into a scary maze that you’re now trying to find your way out of. There are a lot of guides available to you. You can try to find your own way out by relying on your gut instinct. You can take the advice of friends who have been where you are and do what they did. You can seek help from a professional human counselor. But what about God? He’s the One who threw you into this mess in the first place. Since He created the mess, obviously He would be the best Resource to guide you out of it. But you’re so mad at Him for putting you into the mess in the first place, that maybe you don’t want to talk to Him. Maybe you are going to intentionally ignore anything He has to say, or perhaps you’ll do the opposite of whatever He says just because He’s the One saying it. But what is that going to accomplish? Since this whole mess is God’s design, He could easily prevent you from ever getting free of it. And perhaps that’s what He will do if you’re giving Him perpetual attitude. Because you see, God’s whole purpose in doing this to you was to strengthen your personal relationship with Him. This is about you and Him—it’s not about priests or the Catholic system. This isn’t about punishing you. This isn’t some statement on how you are unloved. On the contrary, you are very loved. But it’s a very imbalanced relationship at the moment, for God loves you far more than you love Him. How does He step up your interest in Him? By creating crises which only He can save you from. By creating situations in which you desperately need His help.