My family consisted of my father, mother, and my younger sister, Darlene. My mother and I always had a good relationship, but my father and I did not. He was an alcoholic and often physically abused me.

While growing up, my Dad tried to teach me the things in life that he enjoyed, such as carpentry and landscaping. However, it would always end with him losing his patience, screaming obscenities, and calling me names. My dad never taught me sports such as baseball or football. At school, when it was time to divide in teams, I was one of the last picked. The team that ended up having me loudly complained and made it clear that I was not like them.

Everything associated with masculinity brought me much panic. As a child, I didn’t enjoy playing with cars and toy guns. Instead, I enjoyed role-playing games such as house and, yes, even dolls. For as long as I can remember, I had an attraction to the same gender. When I reached puberty this attraction intensified and brought me much turmoil. This confirmed to me that my male peers were right; I was different.

At about age 15, an older male befriended me. I began to look up to him as an older brother. One night, this friendship was betrayed when he took advantage of me sexually. He played many mind games and emotionally abused me. I sank into a deep despair as this sinful behavior continued for three months. I then decided to give Jesus a chance. At first, I was on an emotional high, but despite my years of catechism classes, I didn’t understand my faith or the sacraments. For example, I didn’t recognize the sustaining power of the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. When the emotional high left, I became very lonely and felt once again that I didn’t fit in.

I began using marijuana and alcohol to help numb the pain. Once I turned 18, I went to my first gay bar. At first it was exhilarating. I felt like I finally could be myself, but the emptiness only worsened and I relied even more heavily on substances to help deal with the pain. I had lived an active “gay” life for two years, but was given a special grace and realized how sinful I had been. From this point on I turned my life over to Christ several times, but again, still not understanding that conversion is an ongoing, daily process by which God’s grace transforms us. I would always end up falling back into the bondage of sin and heading deeper into darkness. After one of these falls, I learned of places where one could go to have promiscuous sex. I so desperately wanted to be held and loved that I fell into a horrendous cycle of addiction. I would want to be held, fall into sin, feel worse, do it
again to feel better, feel even worse, and on and on and on.

In the midst of all this pain, the worst was about to happen. My sister, whom I had become very close to, suddenly collapsed with a heart attack and died instantly at the age of 21. After working through some of the grief, her death forced me to face my own mortality. I needed to seriously work at building a strong foundation on Christ, instead of looking for the emotional highs that I had depended on in the past.

I was chaste for five and half years by His grace and some awesome things started happening. I quit alcohol and drugs and completely dropped out of the “gay” scene. Also, God helped me forgive my dad and the relationship between us improved.

But I wasn’t able to see these amazing things God was doing because every day was a living hell for me filled with shame. I begged God many times every day for a cure, but the attraction never went away. Some people said, “You don’t have enough faith.” Others said, “You must be sinning in some other area of your life.” These statements only added to my shame. One day, a friend of mine said, “David, maybe God isn’t curing you because maybe there isn’t anything wrong with being homosexual.” After much thought, I decided she might be right.

Although I went back into living a life of sin, I believe God used this imperfect situation to teach me some truths about what love really is. He never let go of me, even when I let go of Him. One day, I felt God say to my heart, “Yes, you never chose this attraction, but you can choose whether or not you will act on it.” I picked up the Catechism and learned that this was a cross, and that we all have our crosses to carry. “Then Jesus told his
disciples, ‘If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Mt. 16:24). He gives us the graces to carry our crosses; all we have to do is ask Him and be open to these graces. If it weren’t for crosses such as Darlene’s death, I am sure that I would be spiritually and physically dead.

By God’s grace I have been chaste for 5 years and this time there is no shame . . . praise God! I enrolled at Franciscan University of Steubenville last year and, since then, the Lord has been leading me on a journey of healing. The Lord had shown me that I was harboring anger toward my childhood male peers who mocked me and teased me. I learned that I transferred this anger toward any male that was perceived by me as extremely macho. By God’s grace, I have let go of this anger and so many tremendous things have been happening.

For a paper in my Christian Moral Principles class, I read Dr. Gerard J.M. Van Den Aardweg’s book, The Battle for Normality: A Guide for (Self ) Therapy for Homosexuality. The Lord used this to bring about much more healing. I learned that the attraction I had toward males was actually an admiration of those who had masculine or physical traits that I felt I lacked as a child. In puberty, this admiration became sexualized. In addition, I learned that when I was living the homosexual lifestyle, I was coveting what other men possessed. I was affirmed when men who were more masculine or attractive than me showed and interest in me.

God has shown me that true love is not primarily about seeking affirmation, or attempting to have our physical and spiritual needs met. As Pope John Paul II says in Theology of the Body, love is a sincere gift of self, and our various needs will be met by God and others when we express love in this authentic manner.

God has brought into my life Catholic male friends who have spent time with me this past summer showing me how to throw a ball, catch, and hit. That child inside of me has been getting the affirmation he had so desperately sought. And as a result of these healings, I am feeling things toward the opposite sex that I haven’t felt before. Do I still struggle with same-sex attraction? Yes, but the attractions are less intense. I don’t know what God’s will is for me, but I want to remain open to it whether it is the chaste single life or even marriage.

One thing I found very helpful in my journey is my involvement with Courage. Courage is the only Catholic support group for those with same-sex attractions that is approved by the Catholic Church. Members in Courage strive to live chaste lives in accordance with the Church’s teachings on homosexuality. During these past 10 years, I desperately sought support from other Catholics who were going through the same struggles but who wanted to live chaste lives. In my former diocese, I found little or no support, and often what support I was given condoned the sin. This has helped me realize how important it is that we promote and support Courage.

I was blessed to be able to go to the National Courage Conference this past summer and was so impressed. Our Holy Father calls Courage “the work of God.” I couldn’t help but meditate on those words as I experienced God’s love, power, and healing as attendees shared their stories with others who are on the same journey.

Some people told me that I had to be true to myself and accept my homosexuality in order to be happy. God has shown me that I am being true to myself by living in accordance with His Word. I am much happier now than I have ever been before. I no longer escape pain but, instead, I try to work through it. And each time comes growth. And with each growth comes a profound joy and peace in Jesus Christ.