How do I deal with a husband (stepdad to my daughter since she was 2; biological dad is not around) who tried to touch my 16 year-old daughter’s private parts?

Divorce is legal in the USA and I am sure there are advantages to it. But people should not use divorce whenever however etc. Stop using divorce as an excuse to every little problem.

When there’s a will there’s a way.

Many people have suggested “NO TALK!” here. I am trying to compose and control myself here to abide with the BNBR policy but every time I see that, and remember the broken families very much common in western countries, I feel my blood boiling inside.

No talk? Imagine if nations on the brink of war had a “no talk” policy? An ambassador was assassinated? No talk, we bomb you! A foreign national was kidnapped and beheaded? No talk, our soldiers are landing at your beaches.

Sometimes problems can’t be resolved by communication but it SHOULD be the first attempt. You send a message or call the other head of state instead of launching missiles at once.

Am I saying a divorced family is worse than an abusive family? No.

Am I saying an abusive family is worse than a divorced family? No.

Both are terrible things. Both are things a child should not go through.

What I noticed though, is that the OP has a daughter and this husband is her stepdad. Which means the OP has already left and divorced her first husband, and daughter’s biological dad. These ladies have already gone through the experience of being in a broken family and divorce.

This incident has happened. That is clear. What’s done is done. The man has done it. He did this. He has broken their trust. He is at fault. I am clear on that.

Let us consider the possible outcomes.

She does get up and leave right there and then, taking the daughter with her. This will 100% guaranteed they are both going to go through the pains and struggles of divorced and being in a broken family again. That we can be sure of.

If they all decide to sit and talk it can end as:

he is given a 2nd chance. He tries it again sadly. Abusive family. They divorce and leave.
she decided to leave regardless of talking. Divorced family.
they work things out. He becomes the father he wanted to be, she gets the father she never had, OP gets the husband she deserves. Happy family.
There is a CHANCE at making things right. A CHANCE to be a happy family. Where as in the first option, that is absolutely 0.

When you get burnt by your oven, do you toss it away suddenly or try to fix and check it at first?

When you accidentally get zapped fidgeting around the wiring of your PC, do you punch the screen, kick the CPU and scrap your PC, or do you carefully check the wiring first and see what might have caused it?

“Until now, there was no attempt from both ends to sit down and talk about what happened and how to move forward”

Can you blame them? This is probably difficult for BOTH of them. She is embarrassed and scared to face him. He is embarrassed and scared to face her. If you just sit and wait, nothing will happen.

If you make a mountain of a molehill, if you escalate the situation drastically, chances are you might cause an unexpected negative reaction and lasting impact to either or both of them.

he could turn spiteful, depressed, violent or suicidal
she could turn spiteful, depressed, violent or suicidal
you could turn spiteful, depressed, violent or suicidal
I would suggest you personally plan, and sit down together with BOTH of them. You will act as the middleman and the neutral ground between two of them. You will be the one in charge of keeping the mood as non-aggressive and calm as you can. Tensions will rise and you will have the responsibility to make sure to call for a time out if it gets too much.

Remember:

This is not a random stranger on the bus or street, this is your husband and her stepdad.
You are married to a human being who is not perfect and can make mistakes. You are not married to the son of god or something.
Would he do it again? Maybe? Maybe not. It is the first time. You can not judge and condemn a person outright for a first time mistake.
She is not a child anymore, but still not an adult. She is 16. She is bothered by this but she is already capable of facing it and learning how to deal with life problems and situations, things she will surely face herself in the future.
It is up to the OP and her daughter to decide, and that the husband can only agree to whatever decision they make.

But talking opens up opportunities to hear both sides as well as for OP and daughter to set new rules and restrictions for husband and challenge him to regain their trust.
...

She can organize the talk, give a chance to the man to prove himself, and at the same time still protect her daughter. She is NOT leaving her daughter as bait.

Also I noted that the daughter chose to go and talk to him at first, even before this question was asked, leading me to assume that the daughter herself wants to work things out. This is what the daughter might want. The OP is just there to be with her throughout this.

You have said you has been with this man 14 years (daughter is 16 and he has been with you since she was 2)

which is why we should not resort to divorce outright!