krispar #fundie

krispar #fundie christianforums.com

[The future for the T-4-C girls?]

So I've been married a month, and we've only had it 2 times, neither was long lived. The second time, my husband later told me, made him feel like a rapist because I was crying.
Before we were married, cuddling, hugging, etc. was no big deal, and I enjoyed it, probably more than him sometimes. Now, he rubs my back and I get uncomfortable. I know it could be that I was a virgin, I'm young and stressed (I need a job and no one is hiring me), but this is ridiculous. It could also be my bc (I'm switching at the end of the month)
He's being such a sweetheart and patient with me, but admitted today that he is losing interest in sex and cuddling.
It breaks my heart that I feel numb (not in the literal sense, but in the not "turned on" sense). When we are done "trying", I roll over and imagine myself running away, or driving into a brick wall, doing anything so he can find someone else who will do all of the requirements of a Christian marriage.

121 comments

old comment by JD

You don't HAVE to do anything. How can sex and intimacy be any fun if either or both parties feel its an obligation, or a duty?
Sex should be, above all things, FUN; a special little 'game' that you only play with one (or a handful of) person you trust implicitly (whether just 'friends with benefits', or your hopefully-lifelong mate) with such things. It is not dirty, it is certainly not sinful and one should never feel guilt over it. Its all about comfort, and learning what makes both your bodies 'tick'. I'd say that the christian clerics have it all wrong: There's no reason one should feel they HAVE to do it once or more every night. A little spontaneity can be good, and not everyone always feels up to it especially with work, school, kids, and all sorts of other crap. But if you're close enough and take good care of eachother, chances are you'll be *looking forward* to some every day (or couple of days. whatever works. frequency might increase to far more often than that if its that good, right?) Isn't that infinitely better than feeling you have to, with a far better result?

old comment by Bee

No doubt some psychology is involved here, but lack of basic sex education is even more likely. Even a visit with her family doctor might help this poor girl. There may be physical reasons for her discomfort (some women have very tough hymens, or various abnormalities), or at least a doctor could advise this couple on lubricants, and point them towards appropriate methods of foreplay - a vibrator might help! And I'll bet they're both clueless about basic anatomy: a doctor could explain how things work. Years ago I met a supremely ignorant young woman who hadn't figured out where her vaginal opening was: guess where she was trying to stuff a tampon?

old comment by caitshidhe

i find myself hoping that somehow this girl ends up reading the posts and suggestions here. she needs therapy--sex therapy AND psychological therapy. after being told for years and years and years that sex and bodily desires and dirty and sinful and if she so much as THINKS of feeling aroused the ground is going to open up and swallow her in a roar of fire.
she was raised to just "lie there and think of england" and this is the end result. at least, at LEAST, she recognises that there's a problem. that's the first step. i only hope that they can both get the help they need and that they can see that this isn't a good way to live life, and become less fundie and break free of that vicious cycle. and, i second the "saddest post of the month." and second-saddest post on the site. first-saddest is about betty and her gay son.

old comment by socktree

A lot of people thought I'd have a similar reaction when I lost my virginity at 20 to my current boyfriend. I was brought up in the church, mostly Baptist - alongside Lifetime movies that portrayed pre-marital sex as a gateway into drugs, stripping, abuse, prostitution and eventually, death. However, by the time I had met my boyfriend, I went through therapy and enough thinking on my own to realize this whole "purity" bullshit was just that. God wants us to be happy, and enjoy sex - but be safe about it. My boyfriend and I have been together for getting close to two years now. I'm glad I waited for him - because I really was scared I'd be like this woman. She needs therapy and lots of it.

old comment by Sayna

This is so tremendously sad.

No doubt some psychology is involved here, but lack of basic sex education is even more likely. Even a visit with her family doctor might help this poor girl. There may be physical reasons for her discomfort (some women have very tough hymens, or various abnormalities), or at least a doctor could advise this couple on lubricants, and point them towards appropriate methods of foreplay - a vibrator might help! And I'll bet they're both clueless about basic anatomy: a doctor could explain how things work. Years ago I met a supremely ignorant young woman who hadn't figured out where her vaginal opening was: guess where she was trying to stuff a tampon?

It's more than just a lack of physical understanding, Bee. She clearly doesn't know how to tell if and when she's aroused. If you're willing mentally but not physically aroused, the vagina doesn't lubricate and your body doesn't become less sensitive to pain/receptive to pleasure, so of course it hurts!

Made you cry? Maybe you should tell him to stick it in the right hole next time.

Not all vaginal penetration is painless or pleasurable. (See above)

i find myself hoping that somehow this girl ends up reading the posts and suggestions here. she needs therapy--sex therapy AND psychological therapy. after being told for years and years and years that sex and bodily desires and dirty and sinful and if she so much as THINKS of feeling aroused the ground is going to open up and swallow her in a roar of fire. she was raised to just "lie there and think of england" and this is the end result. at least, at LEAST, she recognises that there's a problem. that's the first step. i only hope that they can both get the help they need and that they can see that this isn't a good way to live life, and become less fundie and break free of that vicious cycle. and, i second the "saddest post of the month." and second-saddest post on the site. first-saddest is about betty and her gay son.

You're right. And I support the "saddest post" nominations (Except for the son who killed himself was sadder than this.).

old comment by David B.

Catherine wrote:
"@David B.: Wow, so I guess after a lifetime of hearing how she shouldn't have any desires and needs to stay pure, she shouldn't have any problem with sex now that she's tied the knot. Nope, everything should be terrific, especially with the sort of spousal support she's getting. And in case you haven't realized, not all girls are exactly alike." I do. It was the point I was (obliquely) making. It certainly seems to be the consensus view in these comments that her religious upbringing is responsible for her predicament. But I've known girls with equally religious backgrounds who had no such problems but that hadn't lost their faith. Are fundies really teaching their children that all sex is dirty? How then do they explain how that child got there? I suspect that they teach that sex is special, sacred, or whatever. That the child should save it for marriage and that 'special someone'. The accuracy of this view is debatable, sure, but either this girl has completely misunderstood her lessons (or has been completely mistaught them), or she's got a psychological problem unrelated to them. Either way, this is an exceptional case, and the hasty generalizations of some comments only show that fundies don't have a monopoly on darndest things.

old comment by Thursday

My Significant Other gave up on sex with Christians after a few tries - the guilt they felt about it wasn't worth it.
The biggest problem with marriage is when people load it up with signifigance - "Now everything will be perfect!" - and if it doesn't live up to that impossible standard, then something must be horribly wrong... To krispar: don't have sex for a while. You both need to get used to touching again, even if it's just a little at a time. Don't rush anything, don't force anything, and don't feel any pressure to DO anything. This isn't your fault, or your husband's. Read, relax, enjoy each other's company again. You're on line, so use it. May I suggest starting with Scarletteen? I know it's aimed at young people, but that's where you're starting...

old comment by Sprout

Oh, god, that's heartbreaking. That would also have been me if I'd married straight out of my parents' home. It took nearly five years away from the Reverend and Wife, having my own life and acquiring a spectacular mentor, for me to sort out the good aspects of sex, become more confident, and move away from the frozen one-quarter-consensual-if-that experiences which characterized my early experiences with men. Vibrator helped. Openness helped. Two years dancing professionally helped. None of these things would have happened if I was still on anti-masturbation accountability and living at home. I hope the advice she was given on her home forum helps her and her husband develop a sexual life they're both happy with.

old comment by Natasha

I think this kind of thing happens a lot. The christian couples I know who waited till marriage to have sex have this big build up in their minds about how great the honeymoon is going to be. Sex had become this huge thing to them and they expect to to be amazing. They don't realise that sex is a learned skill that they will have to practice to get good at. They don't want to hear that the first time might not be wonderful.

I feel sorry for the guy because it's left up to him to make it good, even though he has just as much experience as she does.

I think during pre-marital counselling, they should cover these issues so that they have realistic expectations going into marrriage.

old comment by Cabraxas

This is doubly sad for several reasons. Firstly because, more often than not, the first penetration for a woman hurts like hell. Secondly, sex, like any other human endeavour, needs practice. Thirdly, they'll need a lot of time and commitment to find out what the other likes and dislikes. Fourthly, yes, the stress probably isn't helping at all. Lastly, I don't agree with this poor child that her hubby is 'being a sweetheart' if he's already losing interest in only one darn month. What this kid, and the couple, need is counselling (secular, preferably). I hope they got it in time to save what can become a wonderful marriage. They both need to learn that intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex, but that sex can be wonderful without the guilt that so many religions associate with it.

krispar #fundie christianforums.com

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