"Order in the court!" The Honorable Bartholomew Virgil knocked his gavel thrice to quell the rising surge of heated debate among the audience members present. "Order in the court!" Judge Virgil's voice was lost, drowned out among the chorus of prayers and accusations. Unable to control the audience, Judge Virgil had the bailiff remove the man he perceived as the ringleader; a man of at least ninety, whose body was crippled and ravaged by disease leaving all but his voice a mere shadow of its former self. Judge Virgil felt bad about removing the old man, but he was louder than three normal men shouting together, and he was clearly inciting the crowd nearly to the point of riot. He had to go. Judge Virgil leaned towards the bailiff, hoping to make himself heard over the din. "Please remove Reverend Morris." The bailiff complied with the request. Reverend Morris was removed willingly - what else could he do with such a frail body? - but he did not leave quietly. "Sinners! How dare you put God on trial!" he shouted as he left. "Order in the court!" shouted Judge Virgil, this time loud enough to be heard. The audience quieted down.
Although that was not the first uproar of the trial - one witness had to be removed from the room for his own protection and later testified from within a bulletproof box - it was certainly the loudest. The reason was understandable. The defendant was going to take the witness stand.
"Do you swear to..." The defendant cut him off. "Yes, I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God." "Help yourself, God. You're the one on trial here." Upon taking the stand, God was questioned by one of the seven hundred lawyers he had created just for the occasion. "God, what is your occupation?" The response was immediate. "I'm a full-time god and the creator and maintainer of the universe." "How knowledgeable are you?" The routine was practiced to perfection. "Omniscient, of course. I know everything, although I shared a small portion of my knowledge with you. I gave you what you know, but I did not give you enough to fully understand my ways." "Well, given that you know all, did you commit the crime?" The prosecutor jumped up. "Objection! God is the one on trial here!" "Objection sustained." The uproar began anew. "Sinner! How dare you mistrust the word of God!" "Order in the court!" shouted Judge Virgil. This was worse than when God took the stand in the first place.
Having quieted the cries of “Sinner!” and offset another potential riot, Judge Virgil instructed the attorney to resume questioning. “Have you ever commit evil?” “No. I am incapable of committing evil.” “No further questions, your honor.”
A bottle crashed against the back wall as the prosecutor stood up to cross examine God. He ignored it a difficult task to be sure and approached the bench. “You are incapable of committing evil?” “Correct.” “You are omnipotent.” “Correct, I am. I created the entire universe.” “You have a plan, correct?” “Yes.” “So, everything that happens is a part of your plan. Nothing happens against your omnipotent will.” “That is true.” “So, Hurricane Katrina, was a part of your plan? The destruction of September 11th was a part of your plan? Each and every murder that has been committed each year, ever sobbing rape victim that has testified in this court, that is all a part of your plan?” “Well, no. I didn’t do any of those things.” “Well, who did?” “Satan did those. I am incapable of evil. Those were the fault of Satan.” “So, you can’t thwart Satan?” “Well, no. I keep Satan on a leash. I use him to carry out my plans.” “Ah, so you condone Satan’s evil actions?” “No, I merely use him to carry out my plans.” “So I’ll repeat my earlier question: Are the deaths from natural disasters a part of your plan? Are the deaths caused by people claiming to follow you a part of your plan?” “Well, the canvas of redemptive history is playing out in sync with what I want to happen
” The prosecutor cut him off. “Answer the question. Are the deaths a part of your plan?” “Well, the fact is, you really can’t understand my ways.” “Yes or no, God?” “You can’t understand anything without My wisdom. I have given you only a bare minimum of understanding!” “Yes or no?” “You don’t have enough wisdom to know!” The prosecutor’s eye twitched. “How would one obtain this wisdom?” “Well, mainly through the Bible.” “You wrote the Bible?” “Yes.” “Ah. Is the Bible fiction or nonfiction?” “Nonfiction, of course! I am incapable of lying!” “Is it an accurate account of actual events?” “Yes.” “Ah. The Bible, then, will be Exhibit B against you, containing numerous confessions of mass murder.” “Well, you misunderstood the Bible!” “Its language is pretty clear. How do you suppose we misunderstood it?” “Well, you need Me to give you the spiritual understanding necessary to understand it.” “Ah, and what spiritual understanding is this?” “Spiritual understanding.” “What do you mean by that?” “Well, you need a spiritual understanding that only I can give. Otherwise, you’ll say it involves senseless violence.” “But the events did happen as described?” “Yes.” “So you did kill people?” “No. The entire universe is under my control!” “But you did kill.” “No, Satan did.” “And you allowed Satan to kill?” “No, I merely used Satan to carry out my masterpiece!” “Yes or no. Did you kill?” “No.” “Yes or no. Did Satan kill?” “Yes.” “Yes or no. Did you do anything to stop Satan?” “No.” “Yes or no. Were you incapable of stopping Satan?” “No.” “So you allowed Satan to kill. Why?” “I allowed him to do it for my secret and revealed purposes.” “Both secret and revealed?” “Yes.” “Well, secret purposes can’t possibly excuse your actions, so let’s consider the revealed ones. Why did you let Satan kill?” “To create my masterpiece!” “Which is what?” “What I want with the universe.” “So, you allowed Satan to kill people so that you could do what you wanted with the universe?” “Yes.” “No further questions.” The prosecutor walked away. For once, it was quiet. Then, someone remarked: “So he really did kill! That’ll convict him for sure!” God exploded in rage. “I’m perfect! I don’t make mistakes! You’ll never understand my ways! This court has no authority to try me!”
Since God later proved that no one was actually dead the presumed victims were all found alive, some in God’s residence in Heaven and some in Satan’s workplace in Hell the murder charges were thrown out, although God was convicted of several billion counts of kidnapping, torture, assault, intimidation, and fraud. He was later given a full pardon by President Bush. Satan pressed additional charges against God, alleging violations of labor laws and forced service. God is still awaiting trial.
