"Excuse me, I would like to return these two slaves. They're obviously defective.
When I informed the first one that I was his Great White Master, he convulsed with entirely inappropriate laughter. That was two days ago, and he hasn't stopped yet.
The second is even worse: When I ordered him to go mow my lawn, he somehow misunderstood my command as 'Please force me to eat my own lawnmower a piece at a time.'
What's that? I can only get store credit? You quit giving refunds in 1865? I demand to see your manager!"