The blackpill ruined me: I wouldn't feel happy with a gf that I find attractive cuz the looks-disparity would mean I am not worthy of her

Tldr:

I talk to a Tyronelite-lite at the gym. He has this Nordic girl who hangs around him. If you remember, she's the one who hugged everyone except me one time. Anyway, I had one of those bluepilled-coping thoughts again today of me dating her. I dunno why I would have that intrusive thought. I wouldn't dream of coming onto her. I'm too ugly for her and she has so many options.

Anyway, off the back of this thought I thought:

"Back when I was redpilled and knew how much looks mattered, I still hoped I would luck out with a decent-looking chubby gf, esp if I gymcelled. But now that I am more blackpilled, I wouldn't actually feel happy with a gf that I find attractive cuz I am too acutely aware of the looks-disparity that there would be between me and a girl that could loosely be described as attractive. I would be painfully aware that I am the low-SMV half of the relationship. I would not feel worthy of her and it would show, which would speed up our demise. I would be paranoid that she would be cucking me everytime she left my sight. I would be waiting for the phonecall where she said: "I think we need to have a break". I would know that I am on thin ice until the ice breaks. I would be aware that every guy she comes into contact with MOGS me into oblivion."

So even if you were to get a gf, you wouldn't feel relief even then.

It's [hanged pepe smiley].