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Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House National Climate Task Force reported today that NASA scientists have discovered a mysterious spike in global warming every year between June and August.

"We're completely stumped," said Bob McMahon, White House National Climate Task Force spokesman. "Our satellite data confirms global warming keeps happening in America during these same months, almost like clockwork. Even stranger, global warming seems to hit South America in different months. Bizarre."

Mr. McMahon went on to detail evidence of a massive rise in temperature occurring every year between the months of June and August, noting that in some places temperatures even reach over 100 degrees. "This year's global warming is shaping up to be just as hot as last year's," said Mr. McMahon. "We don't know why climate change strikes during these months, but we suspect it's all the extra carbon emissions from people using air conditioning."

Despite the compelling evidence, some scientists still disputed Mr. McMahon's findings. "If the globe gets so hot every August, why am I sitting here wearing a sweater?" asked climate scientist Rachel Evanson. "And why am I having my husband carry around an extra coat and scarf? Ugh, it's freezing in here."

At publishing time, the Climate Task Force had decided to take action by making Google Maps tell people it's really hot outside whenever they ask for directions.

Babylon Bee #racist #wingnut babylonbee.com

In a move intended to show its ongoing commitment to diversity and righting any wrongs of the past, The Walt Disney Company announced it had posthumously fired Walt Disney for being a white male.

Disney leadership made the move in an effort to show that the company remains ever-vigilant to weed out the oppressive presence of Caucasian men from within its ranks and will go to whatever lengths are necessary to project a more diverse image in the future.

"We're deeply sorry we were founded by a white guy," said Senior Vice President and Chief Diversity Officer Tinisha Agramonte. "It is always our goal to fill every position with someone who is not a white male, and we were devastated to learn that The Walt Disney Company was, in fact, started by Walt Disney. We apologize for this error and have taken the appropriate steps to rectify it. We will do better."

Company executives were shocked and saddened to learn that Walt Disney, a white man, had founded what became The Walt Disney Company over a century ago, leading to the swift action of posthumously terminating Disney's association with the media and entertainment giant. "His tyrannical white male rule is over," Agramonte continued. "We will now be offering counseling and reparations to any employees of The Walt Disney Company who may have been hurt by the fact that it was founded by Walt Disney."

At publishing time, it was reported that company executives had launched an internal investigation to determine if CEO Bob Iger, a white male, should face disciplinary action for being a white male.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #homophobia babylonbee.com

With Pride Month ending and July 4th around the corner, millions of rainbow flags across the country are being taken down and replaced with American flags, causing liberals to scream and run away in terror.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" said Mamby Mcdibbles, (he/him) as he stepped out of his apartment to be greeted by hundreds of red, white, and blue flags. "I don't feel safe! I DON'T FEEL SAFE!"

Sociologists agree that while the Pride flag is about acceptance, love, and family-friendly drag shows, the American flag is an ominous symbol of oppression. "We urge all allies to stay indoors during this extremely triggering week," said sociologist and ally Dr. Bork Sortblatt. "You and your comrades should remain huddled in a windowless bathroom and cover yourselves with a blanket while taking extra Xanax until this dark time has passed."

When reached for comment, America's conservatives said: "LOL look at them snowflakes run! Y'all git! Yeehaw!"

At publishing time, Biden also hid in his bathroom under a blanket but for reasons unrelated to the American flag.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #conspiracy babylonbee.com

Cuban Americans across the city reportedly took to the sea, eager to once again escape the terrors of communism in homemade rafts that some believed may not even be capable of making the trip.

Following the election of three socialist representatives to Congress and with the city under the leadership of Mayor Zohran Mamdani, Cubans began breaking down old wooden furniture and forming rudimentary rafts so they could once again sail away from communism.

"I don't care where I go, but it can't be here," said Juan Rodriguez, a successful Cuban immigrant who had made quite a life for himself on Wall Street. "I escaped Cuba years ago to find a better life, but now communism is chasing me down again."

He elaborated, "It's like that movie Final Destination, I guess. You can't escape communism. It just keeps coming. It follows the pattern, chasing the people it has chosen. We're all going to run out of bread if we don't get out of here."

Hundreds of Cuban New Yorkers abandoned the city, nearly clogging up the East River with their rafts as they attempted to find a better life somewhere across the Atlantic.

"I'm certainly not going to Canada, I can tell you that much," said Ricky Ricardo (no relation to the fictional character from I Love Lucy, but still Cuban). "Maybe Greenland? I don't know. I hope this baby can make it."

At publishing time, thousands of Cubans were presumed missing after accidentally colliding with an iceberg somewhere in the northern Atlantic.

Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

Calling brand new things racist - that no one would ever have thought could be racist - is fun, and everyone loves it. But as each new day people breathlessly inform us of the racist history of things like crossword puzzles and punctuality, scientists are warning of an impending catastrophe.
"At this current rate of coming up with new things that are racist," warned racism scientist Frank Greene, "we'll run out of new things to call racist by the end of this year."
Anti-racism activists met this news with both fear and denial. "Running out of new things to call racist would be devastating," said activist Brooke Snyder. "I mean, you'll only get attention if you come up with something no one knows is racist. You can't just say things like, 'Ethnic slurs are racist.' Everyone knows that."
Benny Malone, though, is one of those skeptical of the warning from scientists. "We'll always be able to find new things that are racist," he said. "Just watch me." He thought for a few moments. "Ah. I got a new one: Toothpaste is racist." His face then fell. "Wait, I have explained how that's racist already. Well, anyway, we can't listen to science, because I know for certain we've all told everyone that science is racist."
Some proposed solutions to the impending problem include giving activists stringent limits on how many things per month they can declare racist, but this has proven unpopular. Another idea is to instead come up with new things each day to call sexist, but no one cares about that as much.