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Babylon Bee #fundie #homophobia babylonbee.com

ISRAEL—Archeologists excavating in the Jordan Rift Valley have uncovered what they believe are the rainbow logos used by companies to promote Pride Month in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Samples have been sent to the University of Cambridge for further analysis and, if verified, could prove to be one of the most obvious finds in biblical history.

"It's kind of big news that we found the exact locations of Sodom and Gomorrah," Dr. Henrietta Tombs told journalists with National Geographic magazine. "But the quality of artifacts we've found also indicate a super perverted society of groomers, which was to be expected."

According to the Israel Antiquities Authority, researchers have unearthed special edition LGBT wheels, casks of Pride Wine, and rainbow-colored pottery vessels that once contained fig cakes. In addition, a slew of nude statues were discovered in Sodom's town square, which experts are calling "remarkably gay."

At publishing time, archaeologists also believe they have found the remains of Zoar, another of the ancient "cities of the plain" of which Sodom and Gomorrah were a part. Unfortunately, the artifacts found are shockingly homophobic.

Babylon Bee #conspiracy #wingnut #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

CONWAY, AR—When his bi-weekly sedan fill-up exceeded $120 for the 10th time, local man Matthew Standridge found himself wondering if the Jan 6 “insurrection” was really such a tragedy.

"I’m not, like, an existential threat to democracy or anything, but it does feel like this whole thing with Biden isn't going well," said Stanbridge with a pained look on his face as he prepared to swipe his debit card and wipe out his bank account. "Are we sure he didn't—I dunno—steal the election? Is it too late to overturn it? Is it racist to ask that?”

Sources add that Standridge tried to shake the troubling thoughts from his mind, getting back on the road for his 10-minute commute that drains his gas tank each week.

“I’m not some far-right-wing extremist. I pay my taxes, I believe all elections, and all women, and I hold most of the approved views…I just wonder if those protesters knew something I don’t,” Standridge told his wife. “At this point, I think it’s time Jacob entered the workforce. I know he’s only eight, but we need to put food on the table and I don't think Kamala will do it for us like she said she would.”

At publishing time, Mr. Standridge was found inside a Spirit Halloween store purchasing a buffalo hat and red-white-and-blue face paint and was unavailable for comment.

BabylonBee #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

ORLANDO, FL—According to sources reporting from Disney World, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was seen crying outside the entrance in an expensive, designer dress with the words "GROOM THE KIDS" emblazoned across the fabric.

The congresswoman wept openly and screamed at the sky for several hours as she begged Ron DeSantis to allow Disney to continue grooming kids at their theme parks.

"Leave the theme park employees who want to groom children alone!" she cried as she clung to a fence outside Disney's massive theme park complex in Orlando. "All they want is for the children to be able to mutilate themselves and make life-altering decisions when they're, like, 2 years old!"

"Hands off our theybies!" shouted the congresswoman, crying while posing for photos from her PR team. Ocasio-Cortez reportedly stopped weeping for a few minutes several times during the staged appearance for her staffers to put more fake teardrops in her eyes.

The congresswoman's boyfriend also appeared in the photos wailing and gnashing his teeth as he wore his custom-made "BOYS CAN MENSTRUATE" microskirt and tube top, though photographers sadly could not use the pictures as his feet were too big and gross. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis also made an appearance to form a counterprotest in a beautiful custom princess gown that said, "MEN ARE MEN."

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had to be freed by Disney's private army of firefighters when she got her head stuck in the gate. (Because she is stupid.)

BabylonBee #homophobia #transphobia #fundie babylonbee.com

Oh no! Everyone's calling everyone else "groomer" and now we're all confused! Are you a groomer? Is your neighbor a groomer? Let the experts at The Babylon Bee help you sort it out. Here are all the warning signs you may be a groomer:

1. Do you talk about sex with 5-year-olds behind their parents' back?

2. Do you begin sentences with, "Don't tell your parents, but..."

3. Do you encourage kids to cut off their sex organs?

4. Are you a Disney Executive?

5. Did you quit your teaching job after they passed the Parental Rights Act in Florida?

6. Does taking other people's kids to a drag show and calling it a "field trip" seem ok to you?

7. Do you drive around in a windowless van with "FREE GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE" scrawled on the side?

8. Have you ever helped a child acquire sex hormones without their parent's knowledge?

9. Does David French think you're a "blessing of liberty?"

Tally up your number of "Yes" answers and consult this chart:

1-2: Oh no! You're a groomer!

3-4: Wow. Definitely a groomer.

5-6: Yep, still groomer.

7-8: There's a Law & Order SVU episode with your name on it.

9: Ok, we're calling the police.

Babylon Bee #transphobia #racist #biphobia babylonbee.com

CHARLOTTE, NC—Colin Kaepernick has made his way back into the NFL as a cheerleader for the Carolina Panthers. He will be the team's first African American Transgender Poly-Bi Cheerleader and will be joining the team on road games.

"I'm excited to be on the team!" said Kaepernick, weakened by a series of surgeries and hormone injections. "After I insulted the organization and called all the fans racist, I wasn't sure I'd be welcomed back, but I was finally able to contort my body into such a victimized form that they had no choice but to hire me."

"It's a dream come true!"

Panthers coach Matt Rhule was not part of the decision-making process that brought Kaepernick into the cheerleading fold, but he is reportedly enthusiastic about the former quarterback's role on the squad.

"I think he'll be a great distraction when we lose games," he said, sighing wistfully. "And believe me, we're going to lose some games."

ESPN commentator Jaina Winterwoman asked Kaepernick about the audition process. The interview, which will appear on a future episode of NFL Primetime, revealed that Kaepernick doesn't know how to dance.

"Girl, with an identity like this you don't have to do a thing," Kaepernick told the sports journalist. "I don't think anyone's going to be watching me for my dance moves."

The 2022 NFL season is scheduled to begin on September 8th. Ratings for Panthers games are expected to spike early on and then plummet, destroying the franchise.

Babylon Bee #transphobia #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

RICHMOND, CA—"Appropriating the fashions, foods, music, and lifestyles of other cultures is evil and wrong," said a man wearing a flowery dress, jewelry, makeup, and demanding everyone call him "Denise."

"Just because you really, really like something that is different from the situation you were born into, does not make it right to just take it for your own sense of self-worth and happiness," said the man who was given the name Richard Nelvenburger at birth.

"Imagine how other cultures feel when you just take what makes them unique and make it your own. It’s unfair and wrong!" said the man who was born with a penis.

When confronted by a woman who pointed out the irony of what was being said, Denise rolled up the sleeves of her blouse and decked her.

BabylonBee #fundie #homophobia #transphobia babylonbee.com

1) Repent - The best thing you can do during Pride Month, or any month.

2) Read all the verses in your Bible that mention pride - Then, repent again.

3) Participate in the ceremonial exchanging of the Ukraine flag profile pic for the rainbow flag profile pic - It is a time-honored tradition.

4) Buy a Mustang - Become an honorary gay.

5) Put some frogs in water treated with government chemicals - This will make them gay.

6) Use the urinal right next to another dude - Don't make it weird; just do it.

7) Reclaim the rainbow as a symbol of God's promise to never flood the earth again - Then be really annoying by complimenting all the gay people for embracing the Noahic covenant.

8) Listen to some gay artists like George Michael, Elton John, or Maroon 5 - This will show you are an ally.

9) Go to your local library and host a "Sodom and Gomorrah Genesis 19 Reading Hour" for the little ones - We must honor our LGBTQ history.

10) Repent one more time just to be sure - You can't be too careful when you're living in a nation that blatantly defied God for decades after He blessed her and made her into the most prosperous nation on earth!

Babylon Bee #transphobia #wingnut #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

Dungeons And Dragons Introduces New 100-Sided Die For Determining Your Character's Gender
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RENTON, WA—In a bold move for inclusivity, Wizards of the Coast announced today that all copies of the Dungeons & Dragons starter set will include a special D100 for determining your character's gender.

"Not sure if your Half-Orc Paladin is a demiboy or agender? Just roll this handy new die," said a WOTC rep. "It makes character creation fast, fun, and streamlined. And don't worry -- if you don't like your gender, just roll it again, no questions asked. In fact, you can do that at any point during the game without even consulting your DM. Change at any time."

"See, when you're playing a game that was designed for players to go raid dungeons, get loot, and kill dragons, the important thing is that you spend 14 hours trying to determine your character's sexuality, gender, sex, and political positions," he continued. "That's what made this hobby so popular: screeching leftists on Tumblr, and we have to cater to these hardcore fans."

A revised copy of the Player Handbook contains rules for using the die. All players must select one of the hundred genders upon creating their character. "Men" and "women" are, of course, not included out of sensitivity to non-binary folk. Any PC that refers to another PC as the wrong gender will instantly be killed by a falling meteor. Then, the player controlling that character is subject to cancelation in the real world.

Wizards also confirmed that the sixth edition of Dungeons & Dragons will include a D1000 for selecting your character's pronouns.

Babylon Bee #transphobia babylonbee.com

According to sources, the worldwide movement currently careening down a slippery slope toward unspeakable depravity is forcefully denying such a slippery slope even exists.

A handful of closed-minded Christians have tried to suggest that demolishing the bedrocks of Western civilization to create a new moral code from scratch may lead to some bad things.

“C’mon bro-- that’s a slippery slope fallacy,” said part-time online philosophy expert Travis Goobleton. “Any suggestion that one bad thing might lead to a worse bad thing should be absolutely rejected-- woah! Cool! A 12-year-old drag queen!”

According to some, wisdom suggests there is such a thing called as a “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, wisdom has been renamed “common sense,” which is a source of knowledge widely rejected as unreliable and lame by most sociologists.

Reason and world history also suggest there may be something to the “slippery slope” idea, but those things have also been rejected as a tool of white supremacy.

Biblical revelation contains several documented cases of cultures traveling down “slippery slopes” as well. Unfortunately, experts have determined the Bible to be an ancient book of myths that is of absolutely no use to modern people.

“Seriously, we’re gonna be fine. Humanity is evolving. You culture-warriors need to give it a rest,” said Goobleton. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my 7-year-old boy to his drag show.”

The Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

[For the record, if you really need to compare the BLM protests to Star Wars villains, a coherent analogy would be the C.I.S. from the prequels]

U.S.—The media is reporting that the Death Star has blown up Alderaan in a "mostly peaceful" demonstration of the superweapon's destructive capabilities.

"The demonstration of the superweapon was mostly calm, mostly peaceful," said a CNN reporter on a deck of the Death Star as millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. "Everyone on the bridge here was very orderly. Only a couple of people have been Force-choked. Most are fine."
"Everything is fine down here, how are you?"
The BBC reported that the display of the space station's planet-destroying powers was civil, organized, and "largely non-violent." An MSNBC reporter on the planet said that "Everybody here is really peaceful AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" as he exploded. So everyone was pretty much in agreement that everything was "pretty chill."
The Empire was next going to peacefully protest on Dantooine but decided that planet was too remote to make an effective demonstration, being one of those "fly-over" planets. A new peaceful protest has been planned for Yavin IV, with a violent counter-protest planned by the Proud Boys.

The Babylon Bee #wingnut #racist babylonbee.com

[Submitter’s note: this is satire and shouldn’t be taken literally. The Babylon Bee is a Christian right-wing satire site that used to be pretty clever IMHO]

Portland Police Raise Millions By Letting Citizens Throw Tear Gas At Antifa For $5 A Pop
July 27th, 2020

PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.

"Getting bathed in tear gas is the closest my son Fidel has been to taking a shower in weeks," said a local Portland mom after paying her five bucks and chucking a canister at the crowd. "I'm hoping our basement will smell a little better now. I used to think that all police were evil fascists, but my time gassing commies has opened my eyes. That was the most fun I've had in ages. Thanks, Portland Police!"

"Take this, commies!"

Antifa rioters have condemned the PPD's actions as "a criminal fascist attempt to protect the protectors of white capitalist power structures from being hit in the face with bricks." They have promised to retaliate with a barrage of water balloons, super soakers, and explosive mortars which they will peacefully hurl at officers' heads.

Sources are reporting that using this new tear gas initiative, the PPD recovered its entire 15 million dollar budget cut in just two days.

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(The Babylon Bee is a Christian Satire Website)

'We Are Living In A Totalitarian Nightmare,' Says Protester Freely Without Any Fear Of Government Retribution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a recent string of protests in Washington, one protester told reporters that "we are living in a totalitarian nightmare just like in The Handmaid's Tale," making the statement with absolutely no possibility of the government kidnapping and torturing her for her outspokenness.
The woman drew on her guaranteed free speech rights to state that "this government is like something out of a totalitarian dystopia," as police stood by guarding to ensure her and her fellow protesters' right to protest was protected.
"Women literally have no rights," she said. "And we're losing more each and every day." She also said that her uterus has fewer rights than guns, though she admitted her uterus doesn't need a license, government registration, or a background check.
"This is exactly like The Handmaid's Tale," she said for the seventh time that morning, though she was wearing the handmaid's uniform entirely of her own free will and would shortly change into her regular clothes before returning to her home to rewatch the series on Hulu.
At publishing time, she told reporters she would love to draw further comparisons to dystopian fiction novels other than The Handmaid's Tale, but she hadn't read any.

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(Note that this is intended to be satire)

U.S.—Sources from within the United States confirmed Friday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake news during the recent election season and President Trump’s habit of using the term to describe many mainstream media outlets.

One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read.
“It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in absolute ideals of right and wrong at all. “What if someone reads the information and gets like, deceived? That just seems totally wicked.”
“It just doesn’t seem right that they can publish stuff that’s just blatantly not true,” added the man, who also noted his firm belief that everyone has the right to define their own version of truth.
Other Americans agreed, stating that the idea that shady news sites could get away with reporting completely inaccurate information was “disturbing” and “evil,” before stressing their belief that no one individual’s notions about morality are absolute or binding in any meaningful sense.
Tech conglomerates such as Facebook and Google have vowed to meet the trend head-on, assuring the public that they are taking bold steps to filter out any news that contradicts the version of truth that they decide is acceptable.