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Babylon Bee #transphobia babylonbee.com

According to sources, the worldwide movement currently careening down a slippery slope toward unspeakable depravity is forcefully denying such a slippery slope even exists.

A handful of closed-minded Christians have tried to suggest that demolishing the bedrocks of Western civilization to create a new moral code from scratch may lead to some bad things.

“C’mon bro-- that’s a slippery slope fallacy,” said part-time online philosophy expert Travis Goobleton. “Any suggestion that one bad thing might lead to a worse bad thing should be absolutely rejected-- woah! Cool! A 12-year-old drag queen!”

According to some, wisdom suggests there is such a thing called as a “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, wisdom has been renamed “common sense,” which is a source of knowledge widely rejected as unreliable and lame by most sociologists.

Reason and world history also suggest there may be something to the “slippery slope” idea, but those things have also been rejected as a tool of white supremacy.

Biblical revelation contains several documented cases of cultures traveling down “slippery slopes” as well. Unfortunately, experts have determined the Bible to be an ancient book of myths that is of absolutely no use to modern people.

“Seriously, we’re gonna be fine. Humanity is evolving. You culture-warriors need to give it a rest,” said Goobleton. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my 7-year-old boy to his drag show.”

The Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

[For the record, if you really need to compare the BLM protests to Star Wars villains, a coherent analogy would be the C.I.S. from the prequels]

U.S.—The media is reporting that the Death Star has blown up Alderaan in a "mostly peaceful" demonstration of the superweapon's destructive capabilities.

"The demonstration of the superweapon was mostly calm, mostly peaceful," said a CNN reporter on a deck of the Death Star as millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. "Everyone on the bridge here was very orderly. Only a couple of people have been Force-choked. Most are fine."
"Everything is fine down here, how are you?"
The BBC reported that the display of the space station's planet-destroying powers was civil, organized, and "largely non-violent." An MSNBC reporter on the planet said that "Everybody here is really peaceful AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" as he exploded. So everyone was pretty much in agreement that everything was "pretty chill."
The Empire was next going to peacefully protest on Dantooine but decided that planet was too remote to make an effective demonstration, being one of those "fly-over" planets. A new peaceful protest has been planned for Yavin IV, with a violent counter-protest planned by the Proud Boys.

The Babylon Bee #wingnut #racist babylonbee.com

[Submitter’s note: this is satire and shouldn’t be taken literally. The Babylon Bee is a Christian right-wing satire site that used to be pretty clever IMHO]

Portland Police Raise Millions By Letting Citizens Throw Tear Gas At Antifa For $5 A Pop
July 27th, 2020

PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.

"Getting bathed in tear gas is the closest my son Fidel has been to taking a shower in weeks," said a local Portland mom after paying her five bucks and chucking a canister at the crowd. "I'm hoping our basement will smell a little better now. I used to think that all police were evil fascists, but my time gassing commies has opened my eyes. That was the most fun I've had in ages. Thanks, Portland Police!"

"Take this, commies!"

Antifa rioters have condemned the PPD's actions as "a criminal fascist attempt to protect the protectors of white capitalist power structures from being hit in the face with bricks." They have promised to retaliate with a barrage of water balloons, super soakers, and explosive mortars which they will peacefully hurl at officers' heads.

Sources are reporting that using this new tear gas initiative, the PPD recovered its entire 15 million dollar budget cut in just two days.

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(The Babylon Bee is a Christian Satire Website)

'We Are Living In A Totalitarian Nightmare,' Says Protester Freely Without Any Fear Of Government Retribution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a recent string of protests in Washington, one protester told reporters that "we are living in a totalitarian nightmare just like in The Handmaid's Tale," making the statement with absolutely no possibility of the government kidnapping and torturing her for her outspokenness.
The woman drew on her guaranteed free speech rights to state that "this government is like something out of a totalitarian dystopia," as police stood by guarding to ensure her and her fellow protesters' right to protest was protected.
"Women literally have no rights," she said. "And we're losing more each and every day." She also said that her uterus has fewer rights than guns, though she admitted her uterus doesn't need a license, government registration, or a background check.
"This is exactly like The Handmaid's Tale," she said for the seventh time that morning, though she was wearing the handmaid's uniform entirely of her own free will and would shortly change into her regular clothes before returning to her home to rewatch the series on Hulu.
At publishing time, she told reporters she would love to draw further comparisons to dystopian fiction novels other than The Handmaid's Tale, but she hadn't read any.

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(Note that this is intended to be satire)

U.S.—Sources from within the United States confirmed Friday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake news during the recent election season and President Trump’s habit of using the term to describe many mainstream media outlets.

One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read.
“It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in absolute ideals of right and wrong at all. “What if someone reads the information and gets like, deceived? That just seems totally wicked.”
“It just doesn’t seem right that they can publish stuff that’s just blatantly not true,” added the man, who also noted his firm belief that everyone has the right to define their own version of truth.
Other Americans agreed, stating that the idea that shady news sites could get away with reporting completely inaccurate information was “disturbing” and “evil,” before stressing their belief that no one individual’s notions about morality are absolute or binding in any meaningful sense.
Tech conglomerates such as Facebook and Google have vowed to meet the trend head-on, assuring the public that they are taking bold steps to filter out any news that contradicts the version of truth that they decide is acceptable.