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Babylon Bee #wingnut #transphobia #sexist babylonbee.com

Trans Pro Golfer Outed As Man After He Flawlessly Parallel-Parks Golf Cart
ORLANDO, FL — After managing to hide his true gender while winning a women's golf tournament, local man Hailey Davidson was outed as a man after flawlessly parallel parking his golf cart as he was leaving the course.

"That's no woman! It's a man!" cried onlookers as the cart whipped into perfect position. "We've been had... no wonder he's six-foot-four and drives the ball three hundred yards!"

According to sources, Davidson had previously competed as a male golfer before one day realizing that golf was easier if you hit from the women's tees. "That's when it clicked," said Davidson in a rich baritone voice. "I shaved several strokes off my golf game instantly. It's an incredible golf hack -- I'm honestly surprised I was the first person to figure it out."

With a skirt thrown over his muscular legs, Davidson had passed himself off as a woman throughout the tournament despite towering over the competition and looking like a dude. "I had my suspicions when Davidson chugged a six-pack of Coors Light on the back nine and then peed in the rough on 17," said fellow competitor Lacy Armstrong. "Then he zipped that cart right into the perfect parallel parking space, and I knew."

At publishing time, Davidson had announced he was now a seventy-year-old woman after realizing playing from the senior's tees could shave another three strokes.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #transphobia babylonbee.com

Gender Surgeon Gives Patient Appointment Reminder For Reversal Surgery In Five Years
REDWOOD CITY, CA — Local gender surgeon Marcus Rankin made sure to schedule a follow-up appointment with a patient five years out from her sex-change surgery for the inevitable reversal procedure she'll want to have done.

"Yeah, it's pretty much a given that after the initial euphoria of getting your bits hacked to…well…bits, that patients decide they want their bits back," the surgical specialist told reporters. "I try to tell them there's not much we can do at that point, but they at least want us to give it the old college try and build something from the horror show we created down there."

Transgender advocates cite the enormous amount of evidence they created that says no one ever regrets having their sensitive stuff turned into a Frankensteinian nightmare and assert anyone wanting to reverse a sex-change surgery never really had their hearts in the game to start with.

"Yeah, there's no way anyone would ever regret getting surgery like that, and I can't believe a doctor would be so transphobic just to assume someone might want to come back in five years to reverse it," activist Jewel Johnson said. "We have so much data in the field of transgender medicine that shows no one ever regrets getting a sex change -- sorry, I mean a 'gender-affirming surgery.' Of course, the surgeries are 100 percent reversible but no one wants to get them reversed. Nope. Never."

At publishing time, Dr. Rankin went ahead and scheduled the 5-year-out surgery as it's pretty much a given at this point that the majority of his patients will realize TikTok lied to them and that they want their old lives back.

The Babylon Bee #conspiracy #quack #ableist #transphobia #homophobia babylonbee.com

Scientists Who Have No Idea What’s Causing Autism Epidemic Also 100% Certain It’s Not Vaccines

U.S. — Thousands of scientific experts have come forward to proclaim that while they have no idea what on earth could be causing the dramatic rise in autism among small children, they are 100% totally sure it's definitely not vaccines.

"I am totally sure vaccines have nothing to do with this. I know because I declared it just now, and I'm a scientist," said Dr. Hanz Fritz regarding his recent peer-reviewed paper that was just 10 pages of the phrase "VACCINES SAVE LIVES!" written over and over again in all caps mixed with Ukraine flag and pride emojis. "And that should mean something, because I'm a scientist."

The entire medical community, known for demanding church closures as they attended BLM rallies in the middle of a pandemic and calling the castration of children "gender-affirming care," is reassuring the public they are totally trustworthy and should never be questioned. "Questioning us is fascism," said Dr. Fritz.

At publishing time, scientists had announced that they were no closer to determining the actual cause of the autism epidemic, but speculated that it might be due to homophobic global warming in Ukraine.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #forced-birth babylonbee.com

'We Would Prefer If 3000 Babies Weren't Murdered Every Day,' Says Crowd Of Deranged Extremists
WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to local authorities in the nation's capital, a large mob of unhinged extremists has converged on the National Mall to politely state they would prefer it if 3,000 babies weren't being killed every day.

"It's disturbing to be reminded that lunatics like this really exist," said Capitol Police Chief Donald Jones to reporters, who were huddling behind barricades for their safety. "It's a sobering reminder that pockets of extremism still thrive in remote corners of this country. We will remain vigilant to ensure these deranged people don't make any rash moves to stop the mass slaughter of babies."

Several representatives from the group made their demands known in the form of polite statements to the media and cardboard signs held by school kids. "Yeah, that's pretty much it," said Dirk Flanders, spokesperson for the Please Stop Killing So Many Babies Foundation. "If it's not too much to ask, maybe we can not kill 3,000 babies every day? I dunno, is that rude?" Thankfully, the disturbed zealot was quickly shouted down by a group of brave activists screaming into a bullhorn and throwing tampons.

Sources confirmed hundreds of thousands are attending this march and several like it around the country. Law enforcement is encouraging citizens to ignore it and pretend like nothing is happening.

At publishing time, sources had seen Ray Epps in the crowd trying to convince the crazed lunatics to storm the Capitol.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #transphobia babylonbee.com

Man Pretending To Be Woman Visits Man Pretending To Be President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — History was made last week as Dylan Mulvaney, a pretend woman, sat down in a one-hour Now This News special with Joe Biden, a pretend president.

"OMG OMG OMG Mr. President, how aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrree you? EEEEEEEEEE!" said pretend woman Mulvaney in a perfect impression of a totally normal woman. "I'm so, so, so, so, so, so excited to talk to you about important issues concerning very, very young little girls just like me!"

"That's right," replied Biden. "I'm not even being facetious here. Not a joke. For real. Annie Oakley."

Aides then poked the pretend president with their handy cattle prod, as he was pretending to be awake.

The pair then talked at length about the issues most important to everyday American voters, such as letting biological men use girls' bathrooms, offering unrestricted and free abortions for pregnant men, and outlawing guns.

At publishing time, Mulvaney had told reporters he was happy to interview the President but was extremely disappointed Biden never leaned in to sniff his little girl hair.

BRAVE Books, Kirk Cameron and the Babylon Bee #wingnut #homophobia #transphobia #sexist babylonbee.com

NOT SATIRE: What if Growing Pains was shot in 2023? In Kirk Cameron's humorous remake "Grooming Pains," a father asks his son, "How was school?" Here is his response: "It was great! We practiced the "Pride of Allegiance," We learned about girl math and boy math, and we recited the black national anthem. Football ran long today because it was our first practice with Krystyna playing quarterback for the first time!"

Even as a joke, this isn't too far off from the crazy world we live in… It's a sad reality that so many forms of entertainment have been taken over by woke agendas. Now is the time to find alternatives for our children to grow up with and enjoy without being brainwashed.

Enter BRAVE Books! THE Christian children's book company that only publishes pro-God, pro-America content. BRAVE's latest release was authored by Kirk Cameron and is titled The Fox, the Fair, and the Invention Scare on the topic of loving your enemies. Get it for FREE when you subscribe to get a new book each month through the Freedom Island Book Club. BRAVE is THE alternative entertainment for parents wanting good, wholesome books for their kids!

Get a FREE copy of Kirk Cameron's book!

Babylon Bee #wingnut #conspiracy #homophobia #transphobia #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

Libraries are a beacon of knowledge and intellectual pursuit in a civilized society. Or at least they used to be — libraries have changed a lot.

Let's take a look at some of the biggest changes in libraries over the years...

Then: Sweet old lady librarian.

Now: Sweet old lady librarian with a beard named Jeff.

Then: Children checked out books.

Now: Groomer librarian checks out children.

Then: You could find any book with the Dewey Decimal System.

Now: Same but all the books are gay.

Then: Greek architecture supported by load-bearing pillars.

Now: Load-bearing stripper poles.

Then: Kids said, "Books are gay" because they hated reading.

Now: Kids say, "Books are gay" because the books are gay.

Then: Apple IIe with Oregon Trail. Oops! You have died of dysentery.

Now: Same Apple IIe, but with gay porn.

Then: There were 9 planets, as you could learn from any of the astronomy books.

Now: There are still 9 planets, but all the dumb books say there are only 8 for some dumb reason.

Then: Newspapers were stored on microfiche.

Now: Newspapers are stored online. Dang, microfiche was pretty cool too. It made you feel like a spy when researching old newspaper editions. And what are you supposed to do if you need to look up the history of your potentially haunted house now? Not search through hundreds of newspaper issues for the one relevant article detailing a murder that happened on your property a hundred years ago? That's dumb.

Then: Mark Twain was a recommended author.

Now: Mark Twain is a recommended author to burn in effigy.

Then: Large section of history books.

Now: There is no history, only an endless present in which the Party is always right.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. If one were to fully chronicle the changes in libraries it would fill volumes. Who has time for that?

Babylon Bee #fundie #homophobia babylonbee.com

ISRAEL—Archeologists excavating in the Jordan Rift Valley have uncovered what they believe are the rainbow logos used by companies to promote Pride Month in the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Samples have been sent to the University of Cambridge for further analysis and, if verified, could prove to be one of the most obvious finds in biblical history.

"It's kind of big news that we found the exact locations of Sodom and Gomorrah," Dr. Henrietta Tombs told journalists with National Geographic magazine. "But the quality of artifacts we've found also indicate a super perverted society of groomers, which was to be expected."

According to the Israel Antiquities Authority, researchers have unearthed special edition LGBT wheels, casks of Pride Wine, and rainbow-colored pottery vessels that once contained fig cakes. In addition, a slew of nude statues were discovered in Sodom's town square, which experts are calling "remarkably gay."

At publishing time, archaeologists also believe they have found the remains of Zoar, another of the ancient "cities of the plain" of which Sodom and Gomorrah were a part. Unfortunately, the artifacts found are shockingly homophobic.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #transphobia babylonbee.com

Boston Children's Hospital Throws Child Off Roof After She Claims To Be A Bird

BOSTON, MA — This week, Boston Children's Hospital made history by throwing the first child off the roof based on the child's "felt need to have their birdhood affirmed." The child is now back in treatment in Boston Children's Hospital for broken bones, but the hospital is standing by its decision to fling the child off the roof to affirm their right to flight.

"Common questions from parents include: ‘Are you sure we should let little Johnny try to fly?' or ‘Could we try from a lower jump point before committing to the 2nd story?' or ‘Where are you taking my child??'" A promotional video posted by Boston Children's Hospital this week features a mild-mannered doctor describing the "species-affirming care" children can receive. "We always give parents the same answer: always affirm your child's felt needs, never correct or counsel them. If they want to fly, don't take their wings!"

Boston Children's Hospital has released several videos with doctors elaborating on the mostly-natural procedures to affirm flight in children, explaining the hospital's careful attention to sufficient height in the buildings they throw the children off, so that flight-attracted children can fully commit to their new lifestyles.

At publishing time, Boston Children's Hospital had expanded its trauma care wing to handle the influx of children with broken legs, spines, and tailbones. Some parents have protested that they were not made fully aware of the potentially irreversible harm of throwing their children off roofs, but these parents have been tagged as "potential threats" by the FBI.

BabylonBee #homophobia #transphobia #fundie babylonbee.com

Oh no! Everyone's calling everyone else "groomer" and now we're all confused! Are you a groomer? Is your neighbor a groomer? Let the experts at The Babylon Bee help you sort it out. Here are all the warning signs you may be a groomer:

1. Do you talk about sex with 5-year-olds behind their parents' back?

2. Do you begin sentences with, "Don't tell your parents, but..."

3. Do you encourage kids to cut off their sex organs?

4. Are you a Disney Executive?

5. Did you quit your teaching job after they passed the Parental Rights Act in Florida?

6. Does taking other people's kids to a drag show and calling it a "field trip" seem ok to you?

7. Do you drive around in a windowless van with "FREE GENDER-AFFIRMING CARE" scrawled on the side?

8. Have you ever helped a child acquire sex hormones without their parent's knowledge?

9. Does David French think you're a "blessing of liberty?"

Tally up your number of "Yes" answers and consult this chart:

1-2: Oh no! You're a groomer!

3-4: Wow. Definitely a groomer.

5-6: Yep, still groomer.

7-8: There's a Law & Order SVU episode with your name on it.

9: Ok, we're calling the police.

Babylon Bee #transphobia #wingnut babylonbee.com

Beverage Pretending To Be Beer Features Man Pretending To Be Woman

U.S. — In a match made in heaven, a beverage that tries to pass itself as beer has hired as its spokesperson a man trying to pass himself off as a woman.

"For decades, we've been putting carbonated backwash in a beer can and pretending it's beer," said Anheuser-Busch CEO Brendan Whitworth. "Who better to represent our brand than a guy throwing on a dress and pretending he's a woman?"

Long a staple drink of people who hate actual beer, Bud Light felt putting Dylan Mulvaney's face on a can would also attract people who hate actual women. "As a man acting out the most horrendously offensive stereotypes of women, Mulvaney taps into the soul of people who despise real women," said Mr. Whitworth. "As a company dedicated to serving those who detest real beer, the partnership made perfect sense. The new beer can just shouts, 'Come, enjoy this atrocious substitute for the real thing'."

While a few in the media questioned the move, so far Bud Light fans have welcomed drinking out of a can featuring the face of a guy with a little girl fetish. "It really completes the experience," said Bud Light fan Mason Olsen. "If that dude with his massive jaw can pretend to be a little girl - well, I can pretend this is real beer. It's pretty inspiring."

At publishing time, activists had resumed calling for America to stop keeping trans people invisible.

Babylon Bee #transphobia #wingnut #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

Dungeons And Dragons Introduces New 100-Sided Die For Determining Your Character's Gender
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RENTON, WA—In a bold move for inclusivity, Wizards of the Coast announced today that all copies of the Dungeons & Dragons starter set will include a special D100 for determining your character's gender.

"Not sure if your Half-Orc Paladin is a demiboy or agender? Just roll this handy new die," said a WOTC rep. "It makes character creation fast, fun, and streamlined. And don't worry -- if you don't like your gender, just roll it again, no questions asked. In fact, you can do that at any point during the game without even consulting your DM. Change at any time."

"See, when you're playing a game that was designed for players to go raid dungeons, get loot, and kill dragons, the important thing is that you spend 14 hours trying to determine your character's sexuality, gender, sex, and political positions," he continued. "That's what made this hobby so popular: screeching leftists on Tumblr, and we have to cater to these hardcore fans."

A revised copy of the Player Handbook contains rules for using the die. All players must select one of the hundred genders upon creating their character. "Men" and "women" are, of course, not included out of sensitivity to non-binary folk. Any PC that refers to another PC as the wrong gender will instantly be killed by a falling meteor. Then, the player controlling that character is subject to cancelation in the real world.

Wizards also confirmed that the sixth edition of Dungeons & Dragons will include a D1000 for selecting your character's pronouns.

Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

FBI To Begin Raiding Homes Of Those Who Criticize FBI Raid

U.S. — FBI Director Christopher Wray has come under criticism for his raiding of former President Trump's residence. He responded this morning by announcing that all who criticize the FBI's raid will have their own homes raided as well.

"We will not tolerate any disparagement of this proud and incorruptible federal law enforcement agency that has never done anything wrong," said Wray. "All who oppose us are dangerous and deplorable. Prepare to be raided, suckas!"

Wray then directed bureaus to cooperate with local S.W.A.T. teams and search the homes of everyone who expressed anger and disgust at the FBI raid on Trump's home in Mar-A-Lago. "We will not rest until every deplorable sock drawer has been dumped out and every dangerous home safe has been broken into. Anyone who resists will be sent to GITMO. Don't mess with me, man!"

News media assured the country the raids were completely legal as a federal judge formerly from Epstein's defense team signed off on them.

Babylon Bee #conspiracy #wingnut #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

CONWAY, AR—When his bi-weekly sedan fill-up exceeded $120 for the 10th time, local man Matthew Standridge found himself wondering if the Jan 6 “insurrection” was really such a tragedy.

"I’m not, like, an existential threat to democracy or anything, but it does feel like this whole thing with Biden isn't going well," said Stanbridge with a pained look on his face as he prepared to swipe his debit card and wipe out his bank account. "Are we sure he didn't—I dunno—steal the election? Is it too late to overturn it? Is it racist to ask that?”

Sources add that Standridge tried to shake the troubling thoughts from his mind, getting back on the road for his 10-minute commute that drains his gas tank each week.

“I’m not some far-right-wing extremist. I pay my taxes, I believe all elections, and all women, and I hold most of the approved views…I just wonder if those protesters knew something I don’t,” Standridge told his wife. “At this point, I think it’s time Jacob entered the workforce. I know he’s only eight, but we need to put food on the table and I don't think Kamala will do it for us like she said she would.”

At publishing time, Mr. Standridge was found inside a Spirit Halloween store purchasing a buffalo hat and red-white-and-blue face paint and was unavailable for comment.

BabylonBee #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

ORLANDO, FL—According to sources reporting from Disney World, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was seen crying outside the entrance in an expensive, designer dress with the words "GROOM THE KIDS" emblazoned across the fabric.

The congresswoman wept openly and screamed at the sky for several hours as she begged Ron DeSantis to allow Disney to continue grooming kids at their theme parks.

"Leave the theme park employees who want to groom children alone!" she cried as she clung to a fence outside Disney's massive theme park complex in Orlando. "All they want is for the children to be able to mutilate themselves and make life-altering decisions when they're, like, 2 years old!"

"Hands off our theybies!" shouted the congresswoman, crying while posing for photos from her PR team. Ocasio-Cortez reportedly stopped weeping for a few minutes several times during the staged appearance for her staffers to put more fake teardrops in her eyes.

The congresswoman's boyfriend also appeared in the photos wailing and gnashing his teeth as he wore his custom-made "BOYS CAN MENSTRUATE" microskirt and tube top, though photographers sadly could not use the pictures as his feet were too big and gross. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis also made an appearance to form a counterprotest in a beautiful custom princess gown that said, "MEN ARE MEN."

At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had to be freed by Disney's private army of firefighters when she got her head stuck in the gate. (Because she is stupid.)

Babylon Bee #transphobia #racist #biphobia babylonbee.com

CHARLOTTE, NC—Colin Kaepernick has made his way back into the NFL as a cheerleader for the Carolina Panthers. He will be the team's first African American Transgender Poly-Bi Cheerleader and will be joining the team on road games.

"I'm excited to be on the team!" said Kaepernick, weakened by a series of surgeries and hormone injections. "After I insulted the organization and called all the fans racist, I wasn't sure I'd be welcomed back, but I was finally able to contort my body into such a victimized form that they had no choice but to hire me."

"It's a dream come true!"

Panthers coach Matt Rhule was not part of the decision-making process that brought Kaepernick into the cheerleading fold, but he is reportedly enthusiastic about the former quarterback's role on the squad.

"I think he'll be a great distraction when we lose games," he said, sighing wistfully. "And believe me, we're going to lose some games."

ESPN commentator Jaina Winterwoman asked Kaepernick about the audition process. The interview, which will appear on a future episode of NFL Primetime, revealed that Kaepernick doesn't know how to dance.

"Girl, with an identity like this you don't have to do a thing," Kaepernick told the sports journalist. "I don't think anyone's going to be watching me for my dance moves."

The 2022 NFL season is scheduled to begin on September 8th. Ratings for Panthers games are expected to spike early on and then plummet, destroying the franchise.

Babylon Bee #transphobia babylonbee.com

According to sources, the worldwide movement currently careening down a slippery slope toward unspeakable depravity is forcefully denying such a slippery slope even exists.

A handful of closed-minded Christians have tried to suggest that demolishing the bedrocks of Western civilization to create a new moral code from scratch may lead to some bad things.

“C’mon bro-- that’s a slippery slope fallacy,” said part-time online philosophy expert Travis Goobleton. “Any suggestion that one bad thing might lead to a worse bad thing should be absolutely rejected-- woah! Cool! A 12-year-old drag queen!”

According to some, wisdom suggests there is such a thing called as a “slippery slope.” Unfortunately, wisdom has been renamed “common sense,” which is a source of knowledge widely rejected as unreliable and lame by most sociologists.

Reason and world history also suggest there may be something to the “slippery slope” idea, but those things have also been rejected as a tool of white supremacy.

Biblical revelation contains several documented cases of cultures traveling down “slippery slopes” as well. Unfortunately, experts have determined the Bible to be an ancient book of myths that is of absolutely no use to modern people.

“Seriously, we’re gonna be fine. Humanity is evolving. You culture-warriors need to give it a rest,” said Goobleton. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my 7-year-old boy to his drag show.”

Babylon Bee #transphobia #dunning-kruger babylonbee.com

RICHMOND, CA—"Appropriating the fashions, foods, music, and lifestyles of other cultures is evil and wrong," said a man wearing a flowery dress, jewelry, makeup, and demanding everyone call him "Denise."

"Just because you really, really like something that is different from the situation you were born into, does not make it right to just take it for your own sense of self-worth and happiness," said the man who was given the name Richard Nelvenburger at birth.

"Imagine how other cultures feel when you just take what makes them unique and make it your own. It’s unfair and wrong!" said the man who was born with a penis.

When confronted by a woman who pointed out the irony of what was being said, Denise rolled up the sleeves of her blouse and decked her.

Babylon Bee #homophobia babylonbee.com

Man Hangs 'Straight Pride' Flag On Doorposts So Monkeypox Will Pass Over
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COVINGTON, LA — With the monkeypox virus plague tearing its way through gay bathhouses and teachers' lounges across the country, one desperate man hung a "straight pride" flag on his doorposts in hopes that the plague will pass over his household.

"While the monkeypox plague strikes our neighbors, we'll be protected — and the Angel of Monkeypox Death will pass over us," said local advertising executive Marcus Smithson to members of the press in front of his newly-protected home, puffing out his chest with pride as he gestured to the orange-and-black banner behind him.

"After COVID, gas prices, all the financial judgment we've endured for the last few years, we decided it was time to prepare for whatever crescendo of devastation was coming." Smithson added that despite some neighbors touting alternative preparation methods, "this flag will make sure no same-sex funny business enters these doors."

At publishing time, Smithson was safe from Monkeypox but had his house burned down by activists for hanging the "homophobic" flag.

The Babylon Bee #wingnut #racist babylonbee.com

Ilhan Omar Uses Her One Phone Call From Jail To Call Both Her Husband And Her Brother

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ilhan Omar was arrested by Capitol Police at an abortion rally yesterday. According to sources, she has used her prison phone call to contact both her husband and her brother.

"Hey Ahmed! Come bail me out, brother!" said Omar to her husband. "They got me locked up in D.C. jail with invisible handcuffs just because of my bravery at the Supreme Court protest! How long will it take you to get here?"

Sources close to the couple say Ahmed is distraught that his wife has been arrested, but is also laughing at how his sister keeps getting herself into trouble. "Ha ha! Ilhan you dork! Got yourself arrested again, huh?" Ahmed laughed before breaking down in sobs. "I'm on my way to get you out, my love!"

AP photographers are reportedly on site, ready to capture the powerful moment the police unlock Omar's invisible jail cell after her husband-brother Ahmed bails her out with invisible money to await her invisible trial.

At publishing time, Omar's husband showed up to post bail but her brother mysteriously disappeared.

Babylon Bee #wingnut #transphobia babylonbee.com

Hasbro Introduces New ‘Transition Me Elmo’ Doll

NEW YORK, NY — The creative minds behind the long-running children's television show Sesame Street have partnered with Hasbro to come up with what they believe will be this year's hot new toy: the Transition Me Elmo doll.

"This is the perfect toy to give to children of any age!" said Samantha Maltin, Chief Marketing & Brand Officer at Sesame Workshop. "No matter the stage of your child's development, there's no wrong time to introduce them to the exciting new world of gender reassignment! Transition Me Elmo will have your youngster questioning their identity in no time!"

The new doll is set to coincide with Sesame Street's new push for inclusive subject matter, featuring the show's iconic characters embracing new ideas and worldviews to better train young minds to reject the most foundational concepts of science, family dynamics, and morality. "If beloved characters like Elmo, Oscar the Grouch, Big Bird, and Bert & Ernie aren't trusted to teach your children who they are and what gender and sexual roles define them as human beings, then who will?" Maltin continued.

The doll will not only offer young impressionable children the opportunity to transition Elmo to any number of genders but also play pre-recorded progressive lessons when various body parts are squeezed, such as:

- I have boy parts, but I feel like I'm a girl!
- You were born in the wroooooong body!
- Puberty blockers have no side effects! He he he!
- DEATH BEFORE DETRANSITION!

At publishing time, the creators of the doll were hoping to secure a guest appearance by TikTok personality Dylan Mulvaney to promote the doll on the show, since Mulvaney has become such a proven advertising commodity.

The Babylon Bee #wingnut babylonbee.com

[For the record, if you really need to compare the BLM protests to Star Wars villains, a coherent analogy would be the C.I.S. from the prequels]

U.S.—The media is reporting that the Death Star has blown up Alderaan in a "mostly peaceful" demonstration of the superweapon's destructive capabilities.

"The demonstration of the superweapon was mostly calm, mostly peaceful," said a CNN reporter on a deck of the Death Star as millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. "Everyone on the bridge here was very orderly. Only a couple of people have been Force-choked. Most are fine."
"Everything is fine down here, how are you?"
The BBC reported that the display of the space station's planet-destroying powers was civil, organized, and "largely non-violent." An MSNBC reporter on the planet said that "Everybody here is really peaceful AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" as he exploded. So everyone was pretty much in agreement that everything was "pretty chill."
The Empire was next going to peacefully protest on Dantooine but decided that planet was too remote to make an effective demonstration, being one of those "fly-over" planets. A new peaceful protest has been planned for Yavin IV, with a violent counter-protest planned by the Proud Boys.

BabylonBee #fundie #homophobia #transphobia babylonbee.com

1) Repent - The best thing you can do during Pride Month, or any month.

2) Read all the verses in your Bible that mention pride - Then, repent again.

3) Participate in the ceremonial exchanging of the Ukraine flag profile pic for the rainbow flag profile pic - It is a time-honored tradition.

4) Buy a Mustang - Become an honorary gay.

5) Put some frogs in water treated with government chemicals - This will make them gay.

6) Use the urinal right next to another dude - Don't make it weird; just do it.

7) Reclaim the rainbow as a symbol of God's promise to never flood the earth again - Then be really annoying by complimenting all the gay people for embracing the Noahic covenant.

8) Listen to some gay artists like George Michael, Elton John, or Maroon 5 - This will show you are an ally.

9) Go to your local library and host a "Sodom and Gomorrah Genesis 19 Reading Hour" for the little ones - We must honor our LGBTQ history.

10) Repent one more time just to be sure - You can't be too careful when you're living in a nation that blatantly defied God for decades after He blessed her and made her into the most prosperous nation on earth!

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(The Babylon Bee is a Christian Satire Website)

'We Are Living In A Totalitarian Nightmare,' Says Protester Freely Without Any Fear Of Government Retribution

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a recent string of protests in Washington, one protester told reporters that "we are living in a totalitarian nightmare just like in The Handmaid's Tale," making the statement with absolutely no possibility of the government kidnapping and torturing her for her outspokenness.
The woman drew on her guaranteed free speech rights to state that "this government is like something out of a totalitarian dystopia," as police stood by guarding to ensure her and her fellow protesters' right to protest was protected.
"Women literally have no rights," she said. "And we're losing more each and every day." She also said that her uterus has fewer rights than guns, though she admitted her uterus doesn't need a license, government registration, or a background check.
"This is exactly like The Handmaid's Tale," she said for the seventh time that morning, though she was wearing the handmaid's uniform entirely of her own free will and would shortly change into her regular clothes before returning to her home to rewatch the series on Hulu.
At publishing time, she told reporters she would love to draw further comparisons to dystopian fiction novels other than The Handmaid's Tale, but she hadn't read any.

The Babylon Bee #wingnut #racist babylonbee.com

[Submitter’s note: this is satire and shouldn’t be taken literally. The Babylon Bee is a Christian right-wing satire site that used to be pretty clever IMHO]

Portland Police Raise Millions By Letting Citizens Throw Tear Gas At Antifa For $5 A Pop
July 27th, 2020

PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.

"Getting bathed in tear gas is the closest my son Fidel has been to taking a shower in weeks," said a local Portland mom after paying her five bucks and chucking a canister at the crowd. "I'm hoping our basement will smell a little better now. I used to think that all police were evil fascists, but my time gassing commies has opened my eyes. That was the most fun I've had in ages. Thanks, Portland Police!"

"Take this, commies!"

Antifa rioters have condemned the PPD's actions as "a criminal fascist attempt to protect the protectors of white capitalist power structures from being hit in the face with bricks." They have promised to retaliate with a barrage of water balloons, super soakers, and explosive mortars which they will peacefully hurl at officers' heads.

Sources are reporting that using this new tear gas initiative, the PPD recovered its entire 15 million dollar budget cut in just two days.

The Babylon Bee #fundie babylonbee.com

(Note that this is intended to be satire)

U.S.—Sources from within the United States confirmed Friday that American society, while typically rejecting concepts like absolute truth and objective moral standards, is suddenly showing grave concern for the rise of fabricated news stories after a reported uptick in fake news during the recent election season and President Trump’s habit of using the term to describe many mainstream media outlets.

One Oregon man, who rejects the idea that humanity can even be sure the universe exists in any meaningful sense, was nonetheless disturbed by the idea that websites could publish completely false information, for anyone in the world to read.
“It’s just absolutely wrong, in my opinion,” said the man who doesn’t believe in absolute ideals of right and wrong at all. “What if someone reads the information and gets like, deceived? That just seems totally wicked.”
“It just doesn’t seem right that they can publish stuff that’s just blatantly not true,” added the man, who also noted his firm belief that everyone has the right to define their own version of truth.
Other Americans agreed, stating that the idea that shady news sites could get away with reporting completely inaccurate information was “disturbing” and “evil,” before stressing their belief that no one individual’s notions about morality are absolute or binding in any meaningful sense.
Tech conglomerates such as Facebook and Google have vowed to meet the trend head-on, assuring the public that they are taking bold steps to filter out any news that contradicts the version of truth that they decide is acceptable.