Adam, you can no more change a gay orientation than a black man can change the colour of his skin. And why should any black person want to be white, unless they have some kind of psychological hang-up about it - oh, and let's leave M. Jackson out of this.
I'm a gay man. I never wanted to be and prayed long and earnestly for the burden to be lifted. It was not lifted. It remains, but for many long years it has been no burden. In fact, it turned out to be a blessing. It freed me from the tyranny of narrowmindedness and hatred in other. So, I have lived all my life as a gay man and it's not really so bad. But I understand that initially it is hard to come to terms with feeling different. It can be scary and lonely too. All of this is part of my life's experience. I slowly came to accept myself and even more slowly began to realise that there are really very few people who give a damn. They have their own lives to lead and want me not to bother them about what is not a problem. In fact, the only ones who were bothered were either out and out homophobes with warped minds, or religious people. Of the latter, there were two types. The first were those who wanted me to be 'converted' as a cure. Take it from me, there is no such thing as a cure. How could there be? It's not an illness. And this type of religious person is only too prepared to listen to lies from such as me that I and other are 'cured' so that they can praise their false God. For actually, religion itself is their god! Not any all-loving Deity. The other religious type were reasonable and caring people and admitted that while they had a problem with gay sexual expression, they couldn't let it stand in the way of their loving me as a person. In my book, these were the real Christians.
My story, I met a good man, and we have been together for 36 years, through good and hard times. We are now going into old age, and perhaps one of us will die sooner rather than later. That will be hard for the one left behind. In many respects I hope I will be the one to remain, not because I am afraid of death, but so that my partner of all those years is not the one who will be left alone. Perhaps I would cope better than he would.
So take courage. Be who you really are. You can be celibate, if that is what you want. But as a younger person, the sex drive is a strong part of your make up. You cannot escape that, no more than a heterosexual young man can. Little difference then! However, bear in mind that celibacy is not a natural kind of life, and adhering to that lifestyle can exact a psychological toll.
Perhaps the only way you will really know what to do is to get out of an environment that is judgemental. Even see if you can meet a good man. You don't have to jump into bed at once. Become friends - dear friends. Then see what happens.
Certainly, cast out all guilt and fear. You are made as you are because it is perfectly natural. Don't deny your true self. Accept who and what you are. Do it with a clean heart and in full knowledge that there is more variety in nature than many people are prepared to admit.
My final word to you is this: if you are having homosexual thoughts; if your sexual attraction is towards men, it is no shame. There is danger, however, and it lies in the pressure you may feel (or made to feel) to marry. For a gay man marriage to a woman is basically a dishonest act. It goes against what you are. And it is no 'cure' for you, regardless of what interfering people may say. Instead, you will end up making another persons life unhappy. That is a terrible responsibility. So if you are really gay - honestly, with no self-deception! - then remain either celibate, or find a partner who is male.
As an afterthought, I think that life will probably be easier for gay men of your generation than it was for those of mine. But we came through and our heads are high with pride, having achieved in life, and still achieving as our days are drawing to a gradual close.
I offer no prayer for you as I am not religious. (Religion failed me by inculcating guilt when I had no choice or no fault.) I do offer this advice, though: live a decent life, be respectful of others and of yourself. Do not be coerced into actions that run contrary to your nature; and be brave. Always remember that life is good and we should reflect that good in how we live.
