Welcome to Fundies Say the Darndest Things

You’re looking at an archive of the most hilarious, bizarre, ignorant, bigoted, and terrifying quotes from fundies all over the internet.

Random quoteTop quotesLatest commentsFAQ

Friends of FSTDT: The Brick TestamentThe Church of the Flying Spaghetti MonsterThe Cult Education InstituteDeath of ExpertiseFeministingThe Friendly AtheistMetabunkRationalWikiReligious ToleranceRight Wing WatchThe Skeptic’s Annotated BibleSnopesThe Southern Poverty Law CenterTalk OriginsThink ProgressThe United States Humane SocietyWe Hunted the MammothWonkette
Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Let Elijah simply say, the “eye” enables light to enter the body. The “eye” is like a window to the soul. Had there been no universe, no planets, or no brightly shining stars, “eyes” would not have been required. (Good planning by the Creator, wouldn’t you say?) Diversity among the species has a common link; the same God. Have you ever noticed how a fetus evolves into a full-grown human? A seed evolves into a tree? A moron evolves into a genius? Darwin evolves into a monkey? “Natural selection” can happen when we go shopping at the mall, but I have yet to see a computer evolve out of bucket of scrap metal in a junk yard swamp. If I am ever given evidence that such a computer has evolved, I would conclude that God made it happen, knowing the “junk” was only a minor factor -- while the frogs, snakes and alligators were busy messing around doing their normal thing and not even realizing what was happening. Meanwhile, I am at peace with my faith in God. How do you evolutionists feel today?

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

It has been necessary to delete hundreds of vulgar, stupid, and repetitive posts during the past few days. It seems there are morons with computers among us who have nothing better to do with their time. The NOTE at the top of this board was written to explain what is happening --

"APRIL 2006 NOTE FOR NEW VISITORS: Demon possessed souls spread hate for Christians. Pray that God will either remove evil from their hearts -- or remove His Life from their bodies to prevent further corruption of innocent minds. Hate, profanity, deception and spamming being witnessed on this message board proves how wickedly insane some people have become!"

My only options are to contact a lawyer for the purpose of a lawsuit, waste time deleting unwanted messages, tolerate the religious persecution, or simply wait to see if God puts a stop to it. Until the limit of my patience is reached, I will trust God to solve this problem!

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

[Commenting on <a href="http://www.fstdt.com/comments.asp?id=10026" target="_blank">his bizarre prophecy</a> set for March 19]

Something happened on 19 March 2006! It was a day we will never forget just as predicted. The reason why it is an unforgettable day for those who have "minds" to remember, will be explained in the future by translating prophetic warnings and promises from the Bible.

Revelations of the Word do not come easy for scholars with closed minds! Preparation for "intellectual reasoning" to enable comprehension can start by considering these statements:

(1) Earth calendars are no longer relevant, we are now measuring "time" by God's calendar.

(2) 19 March 2006 became the last Earth day when it ended at midnight; we have now entered sunlight and are in the crack of dawn of an eternal Spirit day.

(3) Years as previously measured by days in the old world are but a vapor to be burned away by "fire" at the start of this eternal new day in a new world. Read Malachi 4:1 again.

It was a NEW DAY when a man entered the house he had purchased. The rooms were littered with trash, the glass windows were stained, and the putrid odor of filth was a stench to his nostrils. The trash was removed and burned; the windows were washed clean; the doors were opened to allow fresh new air to expel the old -- and he was then satisfied, knowing his home had been made worthy for his family to enter.

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

[This post was written on 7-Mar-2006, so his prediction is set for 19-Mar-2006]

In 12 days when the "day we will never forget" becomes reality, will there be people in this world expressing hate instead of love? Will we be made aware of strife in the Middle East instead of peace? How many children will be treated like royalty, getting many good things to keep them happy? How many children will be crying because parents are unable to feed them? How many fornicators and adulterers will be making babies to abort rather than letting them be born into homes where they can be nurtured?

When God looks upon all nations in 12 days, will He see obedient souls doing as He has instructed -- or will He see disobedience and disrespect for His Laws? How long do we expect Him to disregard contempt for His authority? How long must children of the Father wait before those who do evil are prevented from corrupting His creation?

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

The home of James[Elijah's real name is James], his wife, and son, is Nashville, Tennessee, at the time of this writing. Other than sharing the blessings of Life, this family must cope with daily challenges that keep their struggle for survival on Planet Earth interesting.

Recent Message Example:
"In my compassion, and unending love for creation, earthly time was extended for my wayward children, long before Hitler rose to power; long before Israel once again became a nation; long before America turned against me, and long before the mighty kings of the east united in secrecy to conquer Jerusalem. Now in grief, time will be shortened, giving Satan's church of Philadelphia, freedom to do mischief. My hand of protection has been taken back, away from those who rebel against me. And even though my heart is heavy when hate is shown by adversaries against my children, there will be no more warnings given. Each soul shall rise or fall according to what has already been promised in centuries past," ...thus sayeth the LORD.

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Why are Americans given the “freedom” to do evil?

(1) Why is America failing to prosecute those who murder unborn babies in the same way as those who murder children or adults after they are born? God is the Giver of Life; Satan is the destroyer of life! Has deception confused the Truth of this issue for most people?

(2) Why is America failing to prosecute adulterers, fornicators, and homosexuals in the same way that child molesters and rapists are prosecuted? “Lust in the heart” is just as evil as any of the above! Do we need laws against lust, sex before marriage, and divorce?

(3) Why is America allowing the satanic media to mock Christians who voted for Bush?

(4) Why is America giving atheists and idolaters equal status with Christians?

(5) Why do so many Americans despise Christians – and align themselves with corrupt business and government systems that favor the ways of Satan over the ways of God?

SUGGESTION FOR AMERICA: Support Constitutional amendments that incorporate and support the Laws of God as defined within Holy Scripture!

DO A WEB SEARCH TO FIND JIGROP [<a href="http://www.fstdt.com/comments.asp?id=8640" target="_blank">start here</a>]

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

I begin this message reluctantly, because I know it will not be understood or accepted as believable. Simply put, God has told me over and over again: “You are the most important person in the world.” Obviously, I am aware of the following verse in the Bible:

ACTS 10:34&35 -- “Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him.”

Since God is “no respecter of persons,” I must assume that being important in this world is not the same as being “equivalent” or “distinguished” from God’s perspective. Nonetheless, being the most “important person in the world” could, conceivably, properly define my assignment on Earth if I am the genuine “Elijah” as prophetically promised in Malachi. Obviously, if I truly am who I say I am, rejection of me by the cynical skeptics of this planet will ultimately bring a curse from God. If this happens because of a failed mission, there will be no second chance for billions of souls who refused to repent.

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Subject: The Almighty Toilet Flusher

God is aware of the Torah, the Bible, and the Quran. He knows about the Jews, the Christians and the Muslims. He has seen the many conflicts between those of the human family who have claimed to serve Him through the centuries. Because of rebellion against universal and natural laws, the time has come for a warning: Many nations on Planet Earth are toilets to be supernaturally flushed with water, wind, and fire. There are a few "loose-stool Jews," "self-righteous constipated Christians," and "hate-filled toxic-ridden Muslims" that are about to be washed down the drain -- along with all others who have become like dung in the nostrils of the Maker. Let this prophecy be hung on walls around every person who moans and groans while poo-pooluting the purity of Truth. Let everyone be told that Jehovah God is the Almighty Toilet Flusher!

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

[Elijah's transcription of his conversation with his psychologist]

PSYCHOLOGIST: Welcome to my office, Elijah. Would you care to relax on the sofa -- or sit in the chair?

ELIJAH: Greetings, master of nonsensical hyperbole. I think I will just stand over here next to the window in case I get the urge to jump.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Suit yourself. I only want you to feel good about yourself.

ELIJAH: Why are you are wearing that silly scarf around your neck?

PSYCHOLOGIST: This scarf keeps me warm. I have a slight cold.

ELIJAH: Why don't you just turn up the heat?

PSYCHOLOGIST: I try to conserve energy. Waste not, want not.

ELIJAH: To each his own. But why do you wear a silly scarf with all of those weird colored green dots with yellow stripes?

PSYCHOLOGIST: I'm sentimental. It was a gift.

ELIJAH: From a patient?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes. It was handmade just for me.

ELIJAH: Does your patient have psychological problems?

PSYCHOLOGIST: Of course. All of my patients have psychological problems. Isn’t that why you are here?

ELIJAH: No, Ma'am. My reason for coming was to see if you could explain why AOL members have so much trouble understanding a prophet of God.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Are you a prophet of God?

ELIJAH: Well, that’s how I try to identify myself for idiots who think I'm crazy.


ELIJAH: Why not? If I told idiots that I am the incarnated biblical Elijah who was sent by God to test the faith of the world -- and that I was trying to unite families before Jesus comes to catch away loyal souls, they wouldn’t understand. Idiots think stupidity is sacred. Idiots do not hesitate to call me insane -- because I do not fit into their limited view of reality.

PSYCHOLOGIST: How does that make you feel?

ELIJAH: Disappointed in people -- and frustrated.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Do you think you are insane?

ELIJAH: Actually, the word “insane” needs to be defined from my perspective before I can appease antagonists by answering. To me, to be “insane” is to be abnormal. In this world, being “abnormal” is “normal” for most people -- and so, obviously, I think that most people are "insane" -- even though they accept themselves as “sane.” Certain forms of “insanity” can result from chemical imbalances within the biological system -- which does not allow for healthy bodily functions in thought or movement. Also, “insanity” can be the result of demonic influences -- which causes inner conflicts between a soul and body. Bad “ideas” can distort reality and cause people to do irrational, "abnormal" things. In spite of your psychological terms -- which seem so scientific, at the very core of all people is a “soul” -- dominated by either good or bad spirits. The brain is only a conduit through which spiritual forces from a soul can be manifested in this materialistic dimension of Life. Each person, therefore, is subservient to either God or Satan. In my case, I am subservient to God -- and this makes my thoughts and behavior very “abnormal” in a world where many people are subservient to Satan. So, when I am speaking Truth in this place where deception is dominant, it seems like “insanity” to those who do not understand true reality.

PSYCHOLOGIST: So, you admit to being insane?

ELIJAH: Of course! But I am insane only on Planet Earth. Even though I have freedom of choice, I will not choose your "normal” way of thinking just to conform myself to evil idiots.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Do you think I am an idiot?

ELIJAH: What do you think?

PSYCHOLOGIST: I think I am intelligent.

ELIJAH: What “normal” earthly thought process allowed you to reach that conclusion?

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

THE SUPERNATURAL BOTTOM LINE FOR AUGUST OF 2004 IS AUGUST OF 2005! August 29, 2005 - Hurricane Katrina devastates much of the U.S. Gulf Coast from Louisiana to the Florida Panhandle, killing 1281 and costing over 100 billion dollars in damage.


God woke me up (3:00 AM, November 8, 2005) to say, As Elijah goes, so goes the world! God told me that Katrina happened for a reason: It was last year during the month of August that I was sending emails to people with messages God had inspired me to send. Since they decided to reject a prophet, the consequences came a year later during August.

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Point 2 of this concept: We need to revamp our economic system, culture and all American laws to support this "7/70 Plan." All citizens -- 7 years-of-age or younger and 70 or older -- would be regarded as the elite in our refined society. All resources and national institutions would assure that people in these age groups would be valued and treated like "kings and queens." All other citizens, ages 8 through 69, would be identified as "Majority Providers." They would have many options to enjoy equal opportunities and shared resources. In other words, we would merge the best of "Capitalism" and the best of "Socialism" -- creating a new system that would function more like the "Kingdom of God" than a democracy.

Point 3 of this concept: We need to focus on essential Life-sustaining forces emanating from beyond this earthly dimension. Before we can educate, create, produce or achieve satisfaction in a meaningful way, "international endeavors" must be based on sound reasoning and compatibility with the natural universe. As some of you already know, God is our source, and He is our Sustainer. Without Him to inspire, guide or protect, we Americans -- along with people in all other nations -- will continue to struggle without resolution to existing problems. Remember these words of wisdom, "Without vision, people perish!"

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Tennesseans who claim to be Christians have never expressed gratitude for messages sent to them. Christians have not cared enough to explain why prophetic messages are ignored. There has never been one encouraging comment received or question asked. There has not been one invitation given, asking that I visit their place of worship. Now as we end 2005, I wonder if anyone will be listening in July of 2007 when silence from God during heat-making anger torments Tennessee?

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

When fires are burning at oil refineries in Saudi Arabia and Texas, radical Muslims will be celebrating in Europe. The idea of Planet Earth colliding with debris from space when solar flares affect rotational gravity will cause anguish for many scientists who fear devastation. Renewed hope for human survival will be created in failing hearts when sightings of alien ships over major cities are verified. In days before missiles from Russia are being shipped to Iran, Chinese officials will be scheming against Jerusalem

Show post

Elijah #fundie boardserver.superstats.com

Who are these rebellious souls I see burning incense, ringing bells, chanting unholy words, and bowing down to images made by man? Where are righteous children hiding on Earth in these days of perdition while false gods are stealing Truth out of the hearts of fathers and mothers? Why has the Church of God not heeded the call to unity or taken a stand with this prophet?

Have servants of Christ forsaken redemption in their zeal to compromise with the Evil One? Has power given unto loyal souls to overcome guilt, temptation, and hopelessness been cast aside in favor of pride, wealth, and fame? Has the world heard voices calling religious leaders to bend in submission to the authority of Christ? Has desire for earthly power taken precedence over the desire to humbly serve the poor of spirit in the Church of this day? It is with sorrow in my heart that I look upon the corruptible ways of this adulterous generation. There has been a falling away from the favor of God for those who seek to appease lustful appetites. The meek are being shunned to favor the arrogant; the needy are scorned, speakers of holy words are mocked, and doers of good deeds are hindered by those who slander. Did anyone believe my false accusers in 2003? Will anyone doubt that Hell is real in July of 2007?