[ Is it acceptable that, I as a black woman am allowed to be afraid of white people because my white ex boyfriend abused me sexually, physically and mentally? ]
abuse mention tw, sexual abuse mention tw,
Most definitely and absolutely.
So, I always look at it this way:
Marginalized people (which you as a black woman most definitely are) have every single right to be afraid of/hate etc. their oppressors. Both because let’s be honest, it’s not like the oppressing groups are known for treating marginalized people well, but also because of power imbalances.
When a black trans woman (not saying that you are, just to make an example) is afraid of a white cis dude, her fear is not unfounded, because even if he’s the nicest person in the world, he has the power to do to her whatever he likes, and the law, and society will more than likely be on his side.
When a white cis dude is scared of a black woman, the power imbalance works for him, not against. Even if the white cis dude in question has a bad history, at the end of the day he’s safe. Being white, he’s in the position of power, being a man, his power is increased. His fear is based off (maybe) personal experience, racism, and misogyny. The black woman’s fear is based off a shitty society full of misogyny and racism, and a need for safety.
To look at things in another light:
When a white person is afraid of a poc, they are perpetuating those stereotypes, which lead to violence against poc, and general discrimination against poc. When poc are afraid of white people, there are no negative repercussions for said white people. White people aren’t loosing jobs because they’re viewed as “violent”. White people are being stopped by cops, because it’s just assumed that they’re selling drugs. White people aren’t being required to prove that they’re legal citizens because they don’t “look american.” In this way, poc disliking/fearing etc. white people, is not, and can not be the same. This is also why “reverse racism” isn’t a thing. This logic is also true for woman, trans people, and so on.
Poc have every right to be afraid, uncomfortable around, dislike, etc. white people (even if there’s no abuse history present, although that only makes it more understandable). To go even further, if poc decide they don’t want any white friends, or people to be involved in their personal life, cool. There’s nothing wrong with that. (In the same vein, if trans people decide they only want trans people in their life, there’s nothing wrong with that. If disabled people decide they only want disabled people in their life, there’s nothing wrong with that, and so on.)
You don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t need to like white people, you don’t need to want to be around white people, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. The most important thing is your comfort, safety, and well being.
Also, I hope you’re okay now! If you ever need to talk, I’m here! And please know that your experiences are completely valid, and that your emotions/feelings on the matter, and what you’ve been through are also completely and entirely valid. I know there’s a lot of “love your oppressor or you’re just as bad uwu” stuff out there, but please know that that is not true. That message is honestly so toxic, and I really hate how common it is.
I don’t know if this is something you’re looking for more information on, and you may already follow them, but I’ve heard really good things about the blog ablackwomansurvivingrape-I don’t follow it since I’m neither black, nor a woman, but I’ve heard good things about it as a blog, so you may want to check them out, if you’re ever looking for specific resources in regards to healing from the things you’ve been through.
Survivor-surviving is another really good one, that handles abuse in general (although it isn’t gender or race specific) and has a ton of useful information.
I hope this finds you well, and that you’re okay!
[ Im the anon who has a friend who fears black girls because of prior abuse/bullying. I dont think she is a bad person at all. She is just damaged and scared. She doesn 't really hate black girls. She just scared of them because she had nothing but bad expieriences with them. She has a hard time trusting people and making friends because bullies spread horrible rumours about her. She is a very nice person.. ]
racism tw, anti-black racism tw, abuse mention tw, bullying mention tw
Alright, so I’m just going to be honest with you.
If you’re mean to/mistrusting/mistreating/afraid of/exotificing/simplifying etc. a marginalized group of people (especially black women, and black trans women) you are not a good person. This is racism at minimum, and it’s a problem.
Based off the way this ask is phrased I’m assuming you are not in fact a black girl. So your friend is probably super cool to you. But is she super cool to her black woman doctor? To her black lady barista? To the black girl that asks to sit next to her on the bus? Because I suspect they might have a different answer then you.
And frankly, being abused, and being bullied is not an excuse. It’s awful that she was bullied-I’m not denying that. Bullying is horrific, and it has lasting effects and I’m sorry she went through with that. However, that is no excuse for racism. That does not make racism, or this kind of treatment of black women okay. And trying to justify it as such is super gross.