I had at one time 140 evil spirits. After several months of self deliverence, I cast out 139 of them. Since I couldn't cast out the last one, I had it put in a box by angels with maggots, spinning, the blood of Christ inside, all of the air sucked out, Praises to God blaired in it's ear 24/7, tied up backwards...
When I ask it if it wants the blood of Christ it says yes. It says it loves Jesus, but when I press it over and over, it finally can't say it anymore. It's tormented by these things, but says it likes the torment.
I had broken it's legal rights to me. I had it tormented for several hours until I began to cough really bad and threw up. This went on for several minutes and it would seem that it had come out. When that ended, it felt like I was finally at peace, but after 5 or ten minutes, it came right back, claiming that it never left. This process has been repeated several times over and over. What could the problem be?
104 comments
Ok, sure it is a Poe, but it is a damn funny and original one, we should publish it just for laughs.
@ ausador
I wish it was a poe, but these guys have been showing up for some time now. There are people who not only believe in demonic possession, but believe themselves to be victims of it. And when they tell the world about their experience, it usually comes out like this.
You need to get two angels to help you trap it in a bathtub with scalding-hot water and stab it repeatedly with swords. The angels you want are hanging around McDonalds.
Occam's Razor suggests another possibility, though: you're nuttier than a thousand fruitcakes.
You really want to get rid of these demons?
Sure, I'll show you how.
Ready?
On the title screen, press up, down, left, right, A + START.
Yeah. I'm gonna go with diagnosis. Schizophrenia has potential.
Delusions of persecution, visual, auditory, and tactile hallucinations. Difficult to follow logic. Somewhat word salad-y.
ausador: "Ok, sure it is a Poe"
I take it you mean that the author is writing parody and/or satire, rather than being sincere. Firstly, that is not what a Poe is. A Poe is when you can't actually tell either way.
Secondly, evidence?
What could the problem be?
Probably a virulent strain of flu, seeing as you're having hallucinations in addition to coughing and vomiting.
After several months of self deliverence
[mimicks the sound of a banjo] "da-da dah dah dah dah dah dah daaaah"
Yeah, I remember the film.
Anyway, this is crazy fundie. The Bible mentions demons and evil spirits, so just like with Noah's arc some fundies will bend over backwards to prove the existence of any and everything in the Bible, no matter how whacky it is and how stupid it makes them look.
Some fundies just ignore the stupidest parts of the Bible (spirits) and place all their emphasis on the silliest parts (creation, Noah).
The only comment I have for this is the same I make whenever one of you superstitious idiots comes up with another silly demonic possession story.
Candida. I have just been diagnosed with Candida and the symptoms sound similar. Stomach pain, dizziness, brain fog, strange feeling of something living inside me.
Kris, doesn't the fire in the dark lake of fire light it up a bit. Maybe the "a little bit dim lake of fire which would be dark but for the fire"?
Ah, I clicked the link to read some more and apparently, his is a demon of lust. He is attracted to a woman, and he thinks that clearly, this means a demon has gotten a hold of him. *snicker*
@Kris
For your information, Gods hates poor spelling and punishes it with extra hot eternal damnation.
Please, 1) place a space after periods which end a sentence, 2) in English the pronoun for the first person singular "I" is always capitalized, 3) introductory subordinate "if" clauses are followed by a comma.
You may "have the gifts of the 'Holy Spirit'," but your spelling is atrocious.
Btw, God has more humor than you might expect. He has spoken to us and has given us an official heavenly seal of approval.
angels, maggots, and blood? "tied up backwards"???? Hmmmmm, sounds to me like this person is confessing to a murder or something. I think the cops should be called.
>> What could the problem be? <<
Problem? There's a problem?that crazy. Get your ass to Dr. Kevorkian, stat, and take Kris with you.
:edit:
Kris, Reading The Holy Bible...
As a Hindu, I think your Christian God is evil and malevolent, and the threat of hellfire do to not believing in the right god doesn't scare me because I refuse to fear an abusive tyrant.
Why should I care for your god if I do not fear unjust punishment?
The problem quite simply, is that you're stark raving bugfuck insane.
Edit: Ooh, a fundie here!
@#1310383
"They will know we are Christians by our love" ring a bell? No? Well, guess you just might not be Christian. <3
Did you stick your sword in it repeatedly while it was bound in the tub?
Edit
Kris, I seriously have no fucking idea what your insane rant was about. Except maybe a check in the middle of the night? And your all-loving, all-powerful god-thing has a fragile wittle ego and is butthurt by a few snarky remarks and needs a mental deficient such as yourself to defend him.
Lol @TB Tabby. I had forgotten that entry, that was funny as HELL...
@NoXion
"I take it you mean that the author is writing parody and/or satire, rather than being sincere. Firstly, that is not what a Poe is. A Poe is when you can't actually tell either way."
Most people on here use the word "Poe" to mean the former.
Read this, and I could imagine hearing the five tones from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind".
Servant of Jesus: the problem could be that you're schizophrenic and YOU NEED MEDS.
Its definitely someone having fun with the fudnies. In a later post he gives the name of the demon, which tuns out to be the same as some awful song from the Eurovision song contest:
http://youtu.be/zKHbZSj7dHg
> What could the problem be?
Microsoft slightly messed up one of the patches and the problematic process keeps restarting on certain rare configurations. You need to check out the KB article on how to fix this issue manually. Can't remember the number, sorry. But once you do, it should work like charm.
SoJ... ...how could you treat your significant others like that!? sure, it's one thing to roleplay a bit, and I'm sure you're into the kinky being tied up backwards and torture thing but... no /wonder/ 139 of them left you! also... 140!? you really don't think small! :D
I had at one time 140 mosquito bites on me, but that was because I went swimming in Cass Lake in the evening in July. Florida has nothing over Michigan in bug population. The worst Jacksonville's little vampires did to me was 120 and it took the litte bastards 3 nights to do it. They did swell me up worse, and put me in sick bay for three days. All in all I think I'd as soon have demons. You fellas back east and down south can keep your creepy crawlers {{ugh}}.
"a box by angels with maggots, spinning, the blood of Christ inside, all of the air sucked out"
Big deal, I cast demons like this out of my refrigerator every 3 months.
I get the feeling that some of the problem is that these folks don't have "socialistic" health care. If you have problem like this but have to pay for consultations then the anti-demon scammers might seem like a good idea.
@ Kris and Reading the Holy Bible
If you don't want to read stuff that criticises fundamentalists then don't come to a website set up to do such a thing. Firstly we don't like you or the vile bigots, liars and con men who lead you. Secondly we know more about the bible than you. In either event you will find more people laughing at you than pitying you.
Did you run down the list? You might be going past a misunderstood word, or the thetan might be concealing an evil intention. You didn't mention in the audit report, but are you sure you didn't get a rockslam or two? That would certainly account for your abnormally low tone scale.
You should probably have Flag send you a Mark VIII meter and then record the session and email it back to them for further study. I mean, what's a couple of weeks in the RPF compared to clearing your thetans? (Oh, and make sure to get an approved USB-to-serial converter. Flag frowns on just using any random cable off the street.)
Okay. So you were possessed by 140 evil spirits, and you cast 139 of them out. How do you know that you were possessed by evil spirits? How did you know that there were specifically 140 of them? How do you know that you managed to cast exactly 139 of them out? Why couldn't you cast the last one out? How do you keep an evil spirit in a box? Why would you keep an evil spirit in a box? Why are there maggots in the box? Why are the maggots eating Jesus's blood? How do you tie up an evil spirit? How are you blaring praises to God in its ear 24/7? What did the angels do with the box? Why did the angels put it in a box with blood-soaked maggots?
Why? WHY?!?
"What could the problem be?"
Try rebooting your computer.
If that doesn't fix the problem, then take your frickin' meds already. In fact, break into your neighbor's house and take HIS meds too, just to be sure.
Fundie past the fun, comedic crazy. Now into the dangerously crazy.
Serious red flags here. I hope it gets noticed before something really bad happens.
"I had at one time 140 evil spirits"
Hope you used plenty of lube then, or you'll have rubbed the skin right off your cock!
X3 >:D
I had OVER 9000 oysters last night, and only five of them worked! Now, take my wife. No, please - take my wife!
X3
You know this sounds like a Session of bondage, S&M, latex beds, and priestplay with some bloodsports and aural rape thrown in.
Or he just took a shitton of shrooms and 5-oxy and acid. That works.
Once again an example of a Christian going for the needlessly complicated solution instead of the obvious simple solution. For example:
I threw up.
Simple: You're sick
Christian: an evil being you can't see, can't hear, can't smell, can't feel has entered your body and is making you sick because god is testing your faith although why would he send a demon to do that, this whole thing just throws up more questions than it answer, it really isn't a solution at all, it don't make any real sense, how would you even come to this solution? It's so much easier and obvious to just go with illness, or even simpler maybe even, you just ate something wrong, it really can't be that hard to come to the obvious solution! I've seen this before! You idiots will justify the most retarded beliefs just so the bible is true, that's why you invented this canopy of water that supposedly covered the planet before the flood, even though that makes no sense at all, but that's your justification and when we tell you that that doesn't make any sense and just further complicates the issue, you'll make up more shit to justify the made up shit you already made up! I'm sorry, I can not tolerate this kind of intellectual failure, I'm supposed to be tolerant of religion and for the most part it's harmless, but really, we need to get rid of it so it stops fucking the minds of the ignorant and easily impressed. Superstition is totally harmful and just because it has SOME benefits we can't keep it around, especially after it has spawned so many wars and atrocities, I mean, really, just stop it, just stop the religious nonsense. You're slowing down progress for all of mankind with your absolutely totally moronic statements.
Does Pinhead know you've stolen his box?
This just sounds so horror-movie inspired, it's got to be made up. Inventing "more-possessed-than-thou" stories to increase her credit on a site devoted to such tales, maybe?
LIARS! God haters don't understand the bible. God haters say that God kills innocent people,when in fact they were cruel, wicked, and evil people. I will tell you understands the bible and doesn't cherry pick or is a word twister. They are called christians apologetics and middle eastern people. And by the way the the Hebrews didn't believe in hell. Hell was never warned in the OT. God always warned people in the bible. Why did He warn the people about hell because hell was never mention in the Hebrew texts or the Greek texts. "In the New Testament, three words were translated into "hell" by the King James translators: Hades (unseen), Gehenna (Jerusalem's city dump), and Tartarus (Greek mythology's prison for the Titans). None of these words is the "lake of fire" in Revelation. Most Bibles since the KJV have abandoned the poor translating of all these words into "hell." The many different ways each translation handles these words is beyond the scope of this booklet. It would require a full size book to document it all. We will just say, almost all Bibles have abandoned the KJV's handling of these words. Search it out for yourself. It will be a most enlightening study."
Sources are from Bible Translations That Do Not Teach Eternal Torment - Tentmakerwww.tentmaker.org/books/GatesOfHell.html
If you read the bible the punishment for sinning is death not eternal punishment. Well what about the lake of fire that burn for ever and forever. Oh please it does keeping burning because there no one can't put it out. It keeps burning because there no one to put it out. Matter fact the lake of fire isn't even burning yet. It won't burn until both death and hell(grave) are thrown in there, and it will destroy it all.
Punishment in hell is defined by the word aionios, which is the word eternal or everlasting. There are people who would like to redefine that word aionios and say, "Well, it doesn't really mean forever." But if you do that with hell, you've just done it with heaven, because the same word is used to describe both. If there is not an everlasting hell, then there is not an everlasting heaven. And I'll go one beyond that. The same word is used to describe God. And so if there is not an everlasting hell, then there is not an everlasting heaven, nor is there an everlasting God. It is clear that God is eternal; and, therefore, that heaven is eternal, and so is hell. The quote was by John MacArthur. you can get more from Is Hell Really Endless? - Grace to Youwww.gty.org/blog/B110506/is-hell-really-endless
Confused?
So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!
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