CHARLOTTE, NC—Colin Kaepernick has made his way back into the NFL as a cheerleader for the Carolina Panthers. He will be the team's first African American Transgender Poly-Bi Cheerleader and will be joining the team on road games.
"I'm excited to be on the team!" said Kaepernick, weakened by a series of surgeries and hormone injections. "After I insulted the organization and called all the fans racist, I wasn't sure I'd be welcomed back, but I was finally able to contort my body into such a victimized form that they had no choice but to hire me."
"It's a dream come true!"
Panthers coach Matt Rhule was not part of the decision-making process that brought Kaepernick into the cheerleading fold, but he is reportedly enthusiastic about the former quarterback's role on the squad.
"I think he'll be a great distraction when we lose games," he said, sighing wistfully. "And believe me, we're going to lose some games."
ESPN commentator Jaina Winterwoman asked Kaepernick about the audition process. The interview, which will appear on a future episode of NFL Primetime, revealed that Kaepernick doesn't know how to dance.
"Girl, with an identity like this you don't have to do a thing," Kaepernick told the sports journalist. "I don't think anyone's going to be watching me for my dance moves."
The 2022 NFL season is scheduled to begin on September 8th. Ratings for Panthers games are expected to spike early on and then plummet, destroying the franchise.