I woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare. Then I remembered it wasn’t a nightmare, but my new reality these days. The anger washed over me like a cold wave. I got up and splashed some water on my face, drank some coffee, straightened my back, and prepared for another day of dueling with my thoughts.

[some childhood story about a ride-on train that wouldn't work "as promised”]

And now you live in the same frustrating place.

You believe the promises adults are selling you for their financial and societal gain. You believe when other kids say that their train runs perfectly, even though you can see with your own eyes it is a mess. You are too smart not to observe the pieces of their train falling. Yet you continue to believe the promises of teachers who say, ‘if you just can learn the instructions well enough, it will work.’ You believe the promises of doctors who say, ‘if you just put enough magic medicine in the engine, it will run just how you want it to.’ You believe if you work on it long enough, it will become a reality. You believe you can fix your own train.

Because mentally you are the exact age of your trauma, you stay working on that train.

What you can’t believe is the hard truth that dad says, “it just won’t work, son.” He sees you working and working on this train trying to make it something it is not and he hopes you will stop and redirect your efforts to something more productive. You can’t be swayed by mom making you your favorite dinner, pointing out to you there are other things in life to appreciate and look forward to. You can’t believe your siblings when they tell you that the train is really just a figment of your imagination and, even though they support you in your train endeavors, they really are hoping you will just give up on it and come outside to play.