The holidays are NOT the most wonderful time of the year for many of us PITT families. The Christmas hymn O Come All Ye Faithful beacons us to come joyful and triumphant. However, for parents, grandparents and siblings of trans-identified family members, there is no joy to be found and no triumph to be felt.

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Instead of joy and peace, we experience sorrow and anxiety. We find ourselves exhausted, disappointed and with no energy or desire to shop, cook or celebrate the holidays. Shopping for the child who’s declared that he/she is not our son/daughter feels as if the floor of the mall has become lava. We tip-toe around, trying not to get burned. We look for neutral items which makes finding a present an impersonal and painful task. Then, what do we write on the name tag? We either lie to ourselves to make them happy or write the truth and create and explosion of anger. So, we settle for “To: My dearest second child”. We dread not seeing the estranged or distant child and we dread seeing them and the potential scenes that will take place if anyone “deadnames” him/her. We anticipate the gray cloud that will settle over the table while everyone is trying to enjoy a holiday meal that will taste bitter to us.

Why celebrate when we will be painfully reminded that our families are broken and incomplete? How do we reconcile the bustle and hustle of the season with the emptiness that we feel, not only inside, but tangibly through the empty seats at the table? Even if a chair is not empty, there’s one that might as well be because the child or grandchild who sits there is as absent and removed as the one who doesn’t come home.