CARLSON: This is a sad story.

MORRIS: This is a very sad story. Get out your tissues this morning— According to leaked photos, the new Sony Pictures version of Popeye will look like this: Without the iconic anchor tattoo and the smoking pipe! Are they wussifying Popeye?

CARLSON: Of course, they’re wussifying. Nothing is scarier to a modern liberal than tobacco. If Popeye were driving around giving the morning after [birth control] pill to fourth graders, that would be totally fine. But smoking a pipe, a symbol of freedom and masculinity in America itself, the reason this country exists, tobacco, that’s like, ‘Oh, that’s outrageous. That’s a major sin.’

KOOIMAN: The thing with Popeye is that Popeye was designed for one reason because it had a nice message for children— Popeye taught you to eat your spinach— And if you smoke, you might get lung cancer.

CARLSON: No child has ever smoked a pipe because of Popeye.

MORRIS: I watched Popeye as a child and I never felt the need to smoke a corncob pipe.

CARLSON: Well, I did, because of Popeye.