Scientists Who Have No Idea What’s Causing Autism Epidemic Also 100% Certain It’s Not Vaccines

U.S. — Thousands of scientific experts have come forward to proclaim that while they have no idea what on earth could be causing the dramatic rise in autism among small children, they are 100% totally sure it's definitely not vaccines.

"I am totally sure vaccines have nothing to do with this. I know because I declared it just now, and I'm a scientist," said Dr. Hanz Fritz regarding his recent peer-reviewed paper that was just 10 pages of the phrase "VACCINES SAVE LIVES!" written over and over again in all caps mixed with Ukraine flag and pride emojis. "And that should mean something, because I'm a scientist."

The entire medical community, known for demanding church closures as they attended BLM rallies in the middle of a pandemic and calling the castration of children "gender-affirming care," is reassuring the public they are totally trustworthy and should never be questioned. "Questioning us is fascism," said Dr. Fritz.

At publishing time, scientists had announced that they were no closer to determining the actual cause of the autism epidemic, but speculated that it might be due to homophobic global warming in Ukraine.