[in response to the distracted boyfriend meme]

And ladies, here’s the thing you need to know about men: Don’t give him a reason to be like this distracted boyfriend. You hear me? Don’t give him a reason to be looking around. Hello?!
[…]
Now look, I’m not saying every woman can be the epic, the epic trophy wife of all time, like Melania Trump — I’m not saying that at all. Most women can’t be trophy wives, but, you know, like her — maybe you’re a participation trophy. I don’t know. But all I can say is not everybody looks like that! Amen?! But you don’t need to look like a butch either!
[…]
But you say, “How can I do that?” Oh, I’m so glad you asked that question! I’m so glad you asked that question! Because you’re in my office, you and your husband, and we’re talking about your marriage, and you’ve asked me this question about “What can I do about that?” All right, if you were sitting in my office, here’s the first thing I’d say to you — and boy, I hate to say this, this is why I don’t do marital counseling anymore — and that is… weight control.
[…]
So how important is this? Let me tell you something: I have a friend. He has put a “divorce weight” on his wife! That’s how important this is!
[…]
You know, makeup! Makeup is a good thing. You know, my little boy said, “Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?” You say “Because they’re ugly and they stink.” You don’t want to be ugly and stink!
[…]
Scientists have discovered, by the way, a food that diminishes the woman’s sex drive. It’s called the wedding cake. Hahahahahahahaha, yeah.