I was treated like a man so many times I developed male habits

People think just because my face looks like this I’ll be happy to endure any filth, dirt, rudeness, forgive everyone’s disgusting flaws and habits. And also that I’m into cars, video games and trashing other women.

I’m actually very neat and sensitive (at least was) but I developed a habit to behave like a man, cause otherwise I invite a lot of abuse.

For example I’m wearing male teenager clothes (I was getting especially despiteful looks from girls when wearing high heels, males laugh when I wear skirts etc.). I never ask for help cause everyone is highly annoyed when I do and just brushes me off. I never like men to the same amount I like girls cause males never forget to remind me with their behavior or words how they’re disgusted by me. Ofc I don’t talk about girly things or sex/relationships – me expressing my sexuality or whatever horrifies everyone. Some young unstable girls cling on me like leeches, expecting me to be a shepherd and a support in this scary world (till they find a husband instead).

Every time I show weakness or vulnerability as well as sensibility or kindness I get such a storm of contempt, abuse and exploitation I’m starting to doubt this a reality and not some matrix with animals in human forms.

This gender dysphoria has gone so far I can’t imagine myself being feminine; I can only be myself when dissociating, while reading, playing or hiking alone. My daydreams don’t even include people anymore cause I can’t imagine myself as someone who can be protected or treasured/loved. In conclusion - I'm not allowed to be a woman, but I can't exactly be a man either. No matter how good I mimick, when it's inconvenient for males they suddenly remember my sex and discard my opinions/my worth alltogether. Ntm I don't wanna be an aggressive dirty bad-smelling ape.