1st John 4:19, “We love him, because he first loved us.”
What a wonderful passage of Scripture! I pondered these precious Scriptures early this morning at 5 am, when I awoke from me sleep. I slapped a pain patch on the back of my neck, took my pain medications, and now I am writing about the pain in my soul. Boy, I'm in a lot of pain...lol. I have been in love with a younger single Christian woman for a long time now, and I think about her all the time; God told me that it is okay, because I find myself apologizing to God that I keep mentioning her in my prayers. The Lord knows that I have feelings for her, and cannot help it. He knows that we are only dust. Psalms 103:14, “For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.” Love is a good thing.
She actually smiled and waved at me yesterday when I returned from my morning walk, and I was on cloud 9 with happiness all day. (She probably won't wave at me for the next 3 months...lol) I have been lonely for a long time since 2006, and I've been in love with this young Christian woman for more than a couple years. She is dear to me, and I feel pain thinking that we'll probably never be any closer than neighbours (by her choosing), but such is life. I often think of a popular Country song by Alan Jackson called: “Here In The Real World,” which I like to play along with on my pedal steel guitar. Ah yes, the real world, which we all know never turns out the way we plan, pray and hope it would be. The situation is complicated because of my unfortunate fallout with the local Pastors of Harvest Baptist Church (where she attends), because we don't agree on the danger of the Alexandrian Bible versions or the heresy of Lordship Salvation. Kindly, truth matters!
Still, I love the people at Harvest, and I especially miss their former pastor, whom I love much in the Lord. For my first 4 months at Harvest in 2014, the senior pastor came up to me before each church service, just to shake my hand and then go to his pulpit. I felt loved and special, and at a dark time in my life I desperately needed that attention. It made a lasting impact on me in the Lord. I remember going up to him in the main church auditorium after a Sunday night service, and I was in tears, explaining how my life had been a train wreck. He put his hand upon my shoulder, and I'll never forget what Scripture he quoted: Habakkuk 3:2b, “in wrath remember mercy.” He said: “David, you deserve God's wrath, but He has shown you mercy instead.” I wept, and he then prayed for me. After one year of falling in love with the people at Harvest, my spiritual hair grew longer (so to speak) and as Samson I began to regain my strength to proclaim the truth, only because I sincerely just wanted to help others see THE TRUTH (I was sharing books and sermons at church at my expense), and then our doctrinal differences became an issue, and I was compelled to leave, for which I have deeply regretted ever since, losing my church family and becoming a recluse.
Back to the main story...She waved at me! I pondered this thought last night upon my pillow, thinking about what her wave meant. As I mentioned, I had returned from my morning walk, and I saw her outside and we exchanging waves in passing. Now, a man's mind can go crazy trying to understand a woman, let me tell you! By the end of the day, after pondering what her smile and wave meant, I had all kinds of ideas:
1. She is starting to like me too (that is my earnest hope and prayer).
2. She was just being nice to acknowledge that she knows I am in love with her.
3. She was testing me to see what I would do.
4. She feels sorry for me and waved in charity...lol.
5. She wants me to know that she doesn't hate me.
6. She wants to marry me right away (okay, maybe that's a bit of a stretch, but that would be nice...lol)
7. It was mere coincidental timing that we met, and I'm thinking too much.
8. She is unsure of her feelings and is still thinking about the matter.
9. She was just being neighborly.