[It's Over] I definately want to rope before my family dies out, to make them suffer

Since they (mostly my parents) made me suffer (by putting me here in mu fucked up body), I will make them suffer emotionally from realization they were shit parents (shit mostly for making me live this life even though they had signals they shouldn't have me) and rope when they are still alive. They deserve it. Not that my death will actually move many people though which is unfortunate because I would love to make as many people miserable as possible.
Either way my choices are shit, I can't shoot myself because strict gun laws in my cucked country, I can't suicide by cops, our cops are cucked unlike American ones, that would most likely put me in jail for life, what a miserable life that would be, so I am basically left only with roping or maybe going to a shooting range and offing myself there on the spot. I'm too scared tbh, I'm such a pussy, I am scared of pain and that I may end up bed ridden for years. How can I battle this fear? I feel so demotivated in my life, that I don't even want to bother trying but I will have to soon.