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It's been said that an infinite number of monkeys pounding away at an infinite number of typewriters would eventually produce the works of William Shakespeare. But could this ever happen with niggers? 🤔

What if classic literature from around the world had been written by niggers, for niggers? How would these stories change if they were about niggers instead of humans? How fuxated would the tales become? In an attempt to answer these questions, I took some famous literary works produced by humans and reimagined them as though they were done by groids. It was fun to do, and I'd love to read what my fellow chimpers come up with. So please, take some famous literature and niggerize it however you like! ☺

The Chimpiad - When uppity Prince Paris nignaps Helen of Ethiopia, it sparks an epic turf war between two rival nigger drug gangs. Legendary gangbanger Apechilles goes CAT 5 upon learning that Nigger Hector has goodified his favorite downlow buck. As payback, Apechilles goodifies Hector and ties the carcass to his hooptie chariot, dragging it around the niggerhood for the next week. Eventually one gang of niggers builds a large wooden crackpipe which they leave as a peace offering for the other gang. It's really a trap though, and when those lazy niggers fall asleep the other nigs jump out of the crackpipe and goodify them all. This famous tale of niggershines has coined the phrase "Beware of Groids bearing Gibs!"

Plato's Muhdik - Thousands of years ago in the advanced nigger city of Apethens, a silverback muhfugga called Socrates ran a charter skoo for aspiring rappers. Socrates would help the young bucks get their learn on, schooling them on how to create the perfectly fuxated nigger society (and surreptitiously muhdikking them between rap sessions.)

Baboonwulf - Nigger Baboonwulf leads his troop to the troubled 'hood of Nigmark, which is under apetack by a monster called Groidal. After a lot of looksatme, Baboonwulf goodifies Groidal with his bare paws and declares victory. However, Groidal has a mammy sow an' that bitch beez ten times as uppity as Groidal. But Baboonwulf ain't pay that ho no nevermind, he go over to that bitch's crib and ventilates her like a muhfugga. The niggers celebrate for a long time, with jenkem and malt likka flowing in the streets. Eventually, Baboonwulf gets old as sheeeit and a rayciss dragon chomps his ass.

1,001 Zimbabwean Nights - Once upon a time in the magical land of Apefrica, King Nigger learns that his bitch beez messin' round town and he has her executed. The moon cricket monarch then jumps the broom with a different she-nigger every night, only to have each of them goodified the next morning. Eventually he meets Sheboonazade, a clever sow that never gets tired of ooking and knows tales of many niggershines. She shrieks and chitters these stories for a thousand nights straight until finally she can eek no longer, and is ready for King Nigger to goodify her at last. Fortunately, King Nigger has stopped chimping about cheating hoes by then, so instead he and Sheboonazade jump the broom together and live happily nigger after. (Until the first time she pisses him off.)

The Grape Drank of Wrath - The novel begins with Tom Jigaboo being released from NU after serving time for chimpicide. Returning to his old 'hood, he meets a nigger with a bible, and along with the rest of the Jigaboo fambly they head West to Chimpifornia for a better life. Upon reaching their new niggerhood, the rev becomes a community activist. The God Nigger then gets made good during a chimpout, and Tom Jigaboo goodifies the nigger responsible. Then a lot of rayciss water comes to town, and the Jigaboos hide in an old barn to escape it. Inside they find a piccaninny and its ailing daddy buck, which the Jigaboos assist by providing a life-affirming celebration of muhdik.

De Prynz by Tupac Nigger - From the author's preface: "All sorts of muhfuggaz beez tryin' to make it in de rap game, yo. But only one muhfugga may prevail, gnomesayin? Dis heah book tell y'all bitches how to beez dat Nigger. It beez bettah dem niggers fearz yo' ass den dey lubbs yo' ass. Sheeeit!"

The Strange Case of Dr Jenkem and Mr YT - By day, the learned Dr Jenkem is an upstanding member of his local nigger coonmunity, eagerly muhdikking any sheboon that knuckles by, and throwing his empty malt likka containers into the street where they belong. But by night, the respected physician secretly consumes an experimental jenkem-brew of his own concoction, which gradually turns him more and more YT. During these nocturnal transformations Dr Jenkem adopts the persona of Mr YT, and prowls the niggerhood looking for grafitti to paint over and litter to pick up. Naturally word spreads of Mr YT going around the ghetto fixing things at night, and things get so bad that niggers beez scared to go out an' sheeeit. The story ends on a somber note when Dr Jenkem realizes his transformations into Mr YT are becoming irreversible, and he wonders whether YT will eventually be executed for his crimes.

Twenty Thousand Monkeys Under the Sea - This classic science fiction novel stars Captain Sambo, the feared HNIC of the submarine Niggerlus. Determined to prove that water isn't as rayciss as many niggers believe, Captain Sambo sails the Niggerlus around the world looking for interesting places to swim and innovative fried chiggum recipes. One night Captain Sambo smokes entirely too much crack, and steers the Niggerlus directly into the path of a fierce storm. As the Niggerlus sinks, the Captain finally realizes that water beez rayciss as sheeeit after all.

Some other titles that could be fun: A Tale of Two Mudhuts, Apeventures of Sherlock Jigaboo, David Cottonfield, Les Nigs, Madame Bluewaffle, Mutiny on the Boo-tay, NigBeth, The Picture of Dorian Chimpanzee, Slaver in the Rye, War and Muhdik.

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Confused?

So were we! You can find all of this, and more, on Fundies Say the Darndest Things!

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