(=Anti Calvinists according to Adam Ford=)
Man 1: "Wanted to ask you: what do you think about Calvinis-"
Angry looking Anti Calvinist Strawman: "SERVETUS."
Man 2: Just finished a great bio of John Calvi-
Anti Calvinist (flinches away): SERVETUS!
*Panel Three: depicting the Anti Calvinist looking more angry typing "Search results for Calvinism" at his computer*
Anti Calvinist (typing furiously): #SERVETUS #SERVETUS #SERVETUS
*Panel Four: the Anti Calvinist is sitting at his TV watching football*
Announcer: What a catch for Detroit Lions #86 Calvin John-
Anti Calvinist (points angrily at his TV): SERVETUS!
*Panel Five: Woman, cat and Anti-Calvinist*
Woman: Hun, did you feed the ca-
Anti-Calvinist (flailing around): SERVETUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSS!!!
Jesus, Paul and the theological liberal
Jesus: And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the Kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into Hell, where the worm never dies and the fire never quenches. (Matthew 9:47)
Strawman: Whoawhoawhoa Jesus, WHOAAA! Don't you know what that sounds like to people ?
(=Addressing the audience=)
Strawman: Alright guys, so check it out. I know that sounded super bad, but Jesus didn't REALLY mean what it seemed like he obviously meant with all that ugly sin and hell and fire and stuff. There's metaphors, smiles and just WAIT until you here about this one garbage dump...
Paul: Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, - (1 Corinthians 6:9)
Strawman: PAUL! Wait man! Did you really have to include THAT one ?
(=Addressing the audience=)
Strawman: Alright guys, wow, yeah that def sounded waay not OK. I know it sounds like Paul was talking about men who practiced homosexuality when he said "Men who practiced homosexuality" but there are different ways of looking at it, lemme just explain it to you okay ?
Jesus: Just as Jonah spent three days and nights in the belly of a fish, so will the Son of Man spend three days and nights in the heart of- (Matthew 12:40)
Strawman: (bursts out laughing) JESUS! So embarrassing!!! Please just stop now and let me explain this to people.
(=Addressing the audience=)
Strawman: I know Jesus just validated as literal one of the craziest sounding stories of the Old Testament but listen: he didn't mean it LITERALLY, you know ? Jesus would never say something that contradicts science - he's just referring to this story as, like, a Jewish legend or something. Everyone knows there's no way a dude could live inside a huge fish for three days! Even God can't make that happen.
Paul: But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel contrary to the one we preached to you, let him be accursed. As we have said before, so now I say again: If anyone is preaching to you a gospel contrary to the one you received, let him be accursed. (1 Galations 8:9)
Strawman: PAUL! BRO! Harsh sounding for reals.
(=Addressing the audience=)
Strawmen: Wow Paul can be an animated fellow huh! I know that sounded pretty bad but listen, it's not as it seems: God's love is big enough to cover ALL people and by what I mean by that is whatever you or o want to be true about God and how he deals with people is true. Okay :)
Jesus: Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. (Luke 9:26)
Strawman: JESUS! Ugh, that sounds so bad!!!
(=Attempts to address the audience=)
Strawman: Alright look, Jesus didn't really mean that he just... (Pauses before glancing to the side) Hey you didn't really mean that, right ?
Strawman: There seems to be a misunderstanding, judge. The jury says I "murdered my husband." I don't look at it that way, the way I see it, all I did was "terminate my marriage".
Judge: "Terminate your marriage?" You shot him in cold blood.
Strawman: I decided I wasn't ready for the commitment, OK? I have important life goals he would have interfered with. This was a tough and private decision I had to make for myself. Besides, nobody's gonna tell me what I can and can't do with my own body! What, you hate women, judge? Is that it?? You don't trust us to make decisions?? You think we're some second-class citizens you can rule over??
Judge: You killed your husband. You're going to prison.
Strawman: ANTI-WOMEN! SEXIST! MISOGYNIST! EXTREMIST! WAR ON WOOMMEENNN!
CNN: Woman jailed by anti-choice judge.
(Alt text: Judge, he was really just a clump of cells in its 99th trimester, anyways...)
[=Calvinisn vs Universalism; The Adam Ford edition=]
Man: I'll tell you one thing that honestly trips me up; the idea election. You know, that God chooses in advance who will be saved and who won't. I know it's biblical, but... I don't like it. It doesn't seem fair. Or right.
Woman: Yeah I've heard people say that before. So I've gotta ask; how would YOU do it, if you where God. What would you do that would seem right or fair ?
Man: Well I certainly wouldn't choose in advance who's in or who's out! I would give everyone an equal chance to be saved. I'd make it so that everyone who has ever lived had a chance to hear the gospel somehow in their lifetime. And everyone would have a fair, equal chance to make a choice without me deciding their fate before they are even born!
Woman: K...but being God would be omnesiant...all knowing...yes ?
Man: Well, yeah. Of course.
Woman: Then you'd aleesdy know someone's every persons eternal fate before you created them. So then, your act of creating them, knowing wether they go to Heaven or Hell is causative. See even within in your system, you would in fact be choosing everyone's eternal destiny in advance. Just by creating them.
Man: I guess the heart of the question is; why does God choose to save SOME people, but not OTHERS. Why doesn't he just save EVERYONE ?
Woman: I asked that question for a long time...but then I had a realization and it didn't come from some hard theological theory but from the basic gospel message I had known since forever ago. Kinda the ground floor of christianity is that we're all sinners. We all need a saviour. We all need Jeus and without him, we have no hope. Right ?
Woman: And we need a saviour becaus we are all sinful and...we all deserve judgement for our sinfulness. Yes ?
Man: Of course.
Woman: We ALL deserve Hell. It's a tough thing to say, but admitting it is a crucial step in accepting Jesus' atoning sacrifice to save us from this terrible fate. So if every single one of us deserves God's judgement, we shouldn't get hung up on the question "Why doesn't God save everyone ?" The question that should really boggle our minds is this..."Why does God save ANYONE ?"
(=Authors note: In this comic, the woman is the straw man liberal Christian and the man is completely in the right=)
Woman: Watcha reading ?
Woman: Why do Christians even read the Old Testament ? The God of the Old Testament was so mean and like judgy and strict. Then Jeus came along and made everything about love and peace and happiness and forgiveness and acceptance. I seriously love the New Testament.
Man: Uhhh you might wanna read it a little more closely. But anyways, "The God of the Old Testament" ? And then Jesus came along ? God doesn't change dear.
Woman (afraid): But in the Old Testament God like killed people and stuff! And in the New Testament Jesus seems as sweet as a cupcake...he even let little kids sit on his lap and all that.
Man: God is love and God is also just. God is merciful and God is also a consuming fire. This is clear and true in both the Old and New Testaments. Besides, where do you think Jesus was before the incarnation ? Sitting in the clouds doing crossword puzzles or something ? We're talking about Jesus here. The second person in the eternal trinitarian godhead. The one who is "The Same yesterday today and forever." God the son. God. The son. God doesn't change. Are you following ?
Woman (visibly getting nervous): Wait...so you're saying ?
Man: Mmmmm. Yeah.
Woman (completely mortified): The judgements...the flood...the wars...the plagues...?
Woman: SODOM AND GOMORRAH ???
Man: God is God. The father, the son and the Holy Spirit. Notice the son in there. Jesus is God. Now and in the Old Testament. Jesus has always been God.
Woman: How do you know all this ?
Man: "Cupcake Jesus" talks a whole lot about it in the Old Testament that you love.
Woman: This totally ruins the mental image I have of Jesus.
Man: The Bible is good at that.
Atheist Strawman: The Bible promotes Slavery.
Ford's Christian Mouthpiece: No it does not.
Atheist Strawman: The Bible is Anti-Woman.
Ford's Christian Mouthpiece: No it is not.
Atheist Strawman: The Bible is full of contradictions.
Ford's Christians Mouthpiece: Nope, it's not. The Bible is the Word of God and Jesus is the savior of everyone who places their trust in him.
Atheist Strawman: Oh, you're just blindly repeating things you've heard other people say.
Ford's Christian Mouthpiece: I Am?
"The Honest Athiest"
Atheist: Humankind is a nothing but a freak chance happening. You...Me...Everyone. We're just a huge cosmic accident defying all laws of reason and probability. We shouldn't even be here. Nothing exists beyond our natural world. Morality cannot technically exist. Or love. Or reason. Or laws. Of beauty or purpose. We're just organic robots programed by nature for survival. We have no more inherent values than an ant, or a blade of grass or a speck of dust. And soon we will all be dead and eventually the sun will devour the earth. And none of our lives will have mattered for anything. That's what I beleive...but I will continue to live every minute of my life as if none of those things are true.
Atheist: Listen Christian guy, I'm a liberal atheist because all my beliefs are based on science.
Christian: Okay then, please explain to me, scientifically, how the entire universe came into existence from nothing. Also is a fetus a unique human being scientifically speaking ?
*Athiest walks away*
Christian: Hey wait, how many genders are there ? Can you tell me that ?
When Someone Says This: The Bible advocates slavery, polygamy and genocide!
What They Mean Is; It would take ten minutes of my life to search online and learn from people who actually study the Bible how false this statment is and therefore how intellectually dishonest for me to claim it is true, but so much easier for me to qoute some verses out of the Bible with zero context and then regurgitate from some militant Anti-Christian!...And the Bible commands Christians to kill gay pepole too BTW!